The social implications of not partaking in the Rite of Dead Cow

So if you've been keeping tabs, which I totally wouldn't blame you if you're not, I'm on the 'eat vegetarian' portion of my 2 Week Resolutions. Which means I've been a vegetarian for...about a week.

(Since I've also been denied dairy, wheat, and sugar by the naturopath, I'm having a hard time with the meal planning. Lint, anyone?)

So far, it's pretty easy. Other than when I have any social contact whatsoever, that is.

Living in a bubble for one? Eating vegetarian is a breeze. Living with and (gasp) socializing with other people that reside in this redneck province? Um...not as easy.

The second day of my vegetarianism, we were invited over to a friends' house for Sunday dinner. I don't really know these people that well, they're more hubby's friends than mine, so I didn't feel totally comfortable announcing my recent conversion. I mean, there's a conversation custom-designed to make you feel like a tool:

"Oh! I'm a vegetarian, I can't eat that fragrant, delicious-looking, Flinstones-sized slab of ribs."

"Really? I didn't know you were a vegetarian."

"Um...well, just this week. And next week. If it lasts."

"You're a vegetarian for 2 weeks? Why?"

"...just because?"

Anyway. I now have an extremely belated sympathy for my friend Politika, who doggedly remained a vegetarian in this animal-flesh-loving prairie town, all through high school and maybe a little while afterwards until she could make her escape to the much more enlightened West Coast. It couldn't have been easy, trying to eat out and attend social gatherings like barbecues and dinner parties and the annual Bacon Dance. All the while obnoxious, meat-eating heathens demanding to know why you couldn't just eat ONE bite, I mean, c'mon, it's not going to KILL you. It's delicious!

(I may or may not have been one of those people. I refuse to answer on the grounds that it's pretty fucking obvious that I was.)

Like most places, social activity here just revolves around food. And the assumption is, on the prairies, that food means meat. Usually red meat. And potatoes. With beer. (Sometimes one or all of those things is deep fried.)

My third night of vegetarianism, hubby and I had a pre-arranged date night. At a steak house.

Tomorrow night? Fundraiser steak night.

Well...ONE bite isn't going to kill me, right? C'mon.

(...This resolution is doomed.)

In lieu of

I'm posting one from the archives today, because I'm afraid if I start writing you will either get the ever-popular Post About Why I'm Not Posting, or something along the lines of "My uterus sucks my doctor sucks you all suck I just want another baaayyyybeeeeeeee whine cry gnashing of teeth". So. You're welcome.

This is actually not a post from my archives, this is a guest post I did over at Casey's place. It was a post for Club HASAY, the weight-loss club I've quietly dropped out of, mostly because Juliet thought it was a poor use of my time.

(Juliet is what I've christened my expanding ass.)

I suddenly remembered this post today while choking down my umpteenth celery stick for my 2 Week Resolution. Something about "I have done weirder things"...

Recently Casey made the comment that she thought HASAY was losing some people, as they hadn't updated in a while. I'm one of those people, but I'm still on the HASAY bandwagon. I just haven't accomplished a friggin' thing.

I've maintained my goal of working out at the gym 3 times a week, and they've been some pretty killer workouts. But that scale ain't budging.

Obviously I have to do something about the food front of this campaign. But here's the thing: I don't eat that badly. In fact, I eat pretty healthy. I have a healthy breakfast every day, a sandwich or soup for lunch, and chicken or steak with vegetables for dinner. There's very little snacking, and while I love dessert I only indulge once a week. Once a week I also have junk food for one meal - like pizza or take-out pasta, nothing deep fried. My one bad habit is a cup of coffee with cream and sugar every day. One. Cup. I am not convinced that my eating habits need changing. I could eliminate my few treats but I'm never going to maintain that as a LIFESTYLE.

So I started thinking that maybe there is some magical combination of WHICH foods I should eat. Somebody else's blog mentioned the Blood Type Diet. Hm. Maybe if I just eat more tomatoes and less pickled herring, I'll start dropping pounds? I looked it up. For my blood type (Type O), I am supposed to avoid breads and grains, severely limit dairy, only eat lean meats and fish, and drink nothing but water and green tea.

Well, no kidding. Fucking WHALES would lose weight on that diet. Actual whales.

South Beach, the Zone, Atkins - they all want me to drop an entire food group. That's just not going to happen in the long run.

To be perfectly honest, I would just accept that I'm not SUPPOSED to weigh 10 pounds less, except that my clothes don't fit.

So I was moping and eating my breakfast of Cheerios and a grapefruit (see??) and I saw that the newspaper was open to a full-page ad touting something called Eurowave. It offered an introductory session for $10 and guaranteed inch loss. It had 'before' and 'after' pictures and assured you that all you had to do was lie back and relax. It sounded like a ritzy version of the as-seen-on-tv zap-your-abs thingy. It sounded like a crock of shit.

So I called and made an appointment.

The "body sculpting" "clinic" had no sign and was in the back closet room of a hair salon, perhaps as a motivational strategy. Walking through a room full of skinny, stylish young blondes in heels certainly made ME feel like crap. It was at least a nice salon so even the back closet room had a spa kind of feel to it, which was relaxing. Although I gotta tell you, 'spa' does not say 'feelin' skinny' to me. It says, 'sit down with a glass of wine and have some dark chocolate while someone does your nails'.

But anyway. The technician, we'll call her Collette (because that was her name), had me fill out a form that basically swore I wasn't pregnant, mutated, an undercover FBI agent, or harbouring any kind of metal within my flesh. Then she asked me what part of my body I wanted to 'work on'.

Well, I was going to say 'my ass', except then I wouldn't have had the guts to ask her to take a picture:

I look a little freaked out.  It's because I was a little freaked out

See those yellow things? Those were sponges. As she was wiring me up it occurred to me that they electrocute criminals that way. Also, I look like a suicide bomber. Happy thoughts.

Collette cranked on the juice and since she had a captive audience, spent the next 18 minutes trying to sell me on a package of Eurowave sessions ($50 each, or $400 for ten, or $699 for 20, a freakin' bargain!). Every two minutes she would turn it up a notch.

"How is it feeling?" she asked me at one point.

"Like things are trying to crawl out from under my flesh?" I guessed at the right answer. (That, apparently, wasn't the right answer because her eyes got really wide and she didn't say much after that).

When my shock treatment was done she measured me up again and claimed that I had lost 1-3/4" around my waist. "You did really well!" she bubbled, impressed.

Um, yes. I'm a total pro at just LAYING THERE DOING NOTHING. I have that shit down to a science, which is why I'm here.

She made another stab at selling me a package but I think she could tell she'd lost me. (Although, to be honest, if I have to go to hubby's company Christmas party I may just be calling her up because every little bit counts when you're stacking up against 20-year-old waitresses). It just doesn't feel like I accomplished anything, no matter what her tape measure said. I had really high hopes of walking out of there and being mistaken for one of those rap wannabe teenagers whose pants are staying up through sheer will alone, but such was not the case.

My abs DO hurt a little now, though they're not supposed to (I guess I did it wrong? Can you do 'nothing' the wrong way?).

Maybe I'll give acupuncture a shot next time.

Or hypnosis.

"You are getting skiiinnnnny...."

"Awesome" is about as over-used as "random": Random Tuesday Thoughts

randomtuesday

Obviously I was a little lacking in the posting last week. I suppose I could have taken a picture of the gross alien ooze coming out of my sinuses, but, y'know. I actually like you guys. So, Tuesday? Consider yourself Randomed.

My MIL was here last week. She always brings food, and it's always in Cool Whip containers. What is with the abundance of Cool Whip containers?? Has she been stockpiling since the 80s, or...oh. Wait. Ew.

EWWWWWWw.

Never mind.


I'm sure I've posted here before that I have house cleaners. It's not because I'm rich; I could be the single unemployed mother of 7 children who was ineligible for welfare and I'd still find money to pay my house cleaners. Because they can clean my house in under 2 hours. Why can't I?

I took a few days off of my 2 Week Resolution because I was sick, but otherwise I've been sticking to it and entering a design contest a day at 99designs.com. No wins so far, but the hidden goals (improve my skills with Adobe Illustrator and lose my attachment to each project) have been going well.

I don't, however, know why I ever thought online clients would be any easier to deal with than regular ones. They're just as fickle and confusing. Perhaps more so, because you can't see the elaborate hand gestures and the sketches they did on cocktail napkins.


I'm changing the next 2 Week Resolution to be "eat 7-10 servings of fruit & vegetable and drink 8 glasses of water each day". It's not very exciting, but I'll have more time for blogging. You're welcome.

Or not, depending on what I post.

I think I mentioned that my doctor just up and closed her practice? Before she did - so like, in November - she referred me to an OB-GYN to try to get this whole "apparently going into menopause at the age of 35 but maybe not stupid fucking uterus" thing figured out. In December I called them up to make sure they'd gotten my information, because my doctors admin staff was brutal for just inconveniently losing those types of things. They said sure, we'll call ya.

So today - that is, today in FEBRUARY - I called them again wondering where my phone call with an appointment was (the appointment that will probably be months away anyway). They said, "Oh, someone will call you back this afternoon!"

Unsurprisingly, nobody called.

I fucking LOVE our medical system.


So Facebook is dicking around with formatting again in an effort to appear "new and improved". Annoying. Don't you just want to say, "It's not a fucking scab, quit picking at it?"

As a painful sign of the times, however, their 'facelift' warranted a large article in our local paper. On the opposite page, a guy getting stabbed got a small blurb.

I can't find any internet awesomeness to share with you guys this week. That's kind of worrisome. Has the creativity of geeks on the interwebs finally run dry?


That's your mission this week. PROVE ME WRONG. Go forth, and awesome-ify the intertubes again!

(Is too a word.)

(Don't forget to link up, and visit your awesome cohorts in awesomeness.)

Maybe "kelp pills" will replace "pinecone extract" in my google searches, because I still don't know what pinecone extract is: Random Tuesday Thoughts


randomtuesday

Whee! Here I am. It's Tuesday!

And, I'm sorry to be a lame-o* but I've never felt less like writing a Random Tuesday post. I woke up with kind of a sore throat, and it just went downhill from there. My usual strategy of attacking the illness with naps did nothing. Nothing, I tell you!

*I know, who says that anymore? Clearly I'm not in my right mind.

My boss, who bitches constantly that I don't work Mondays, just sent me an email bitching at me to stop answering email on my "day off". Oh, so THAT'S what a Catch-22 looks like.


In the ongoing campaign to restore my body to some semblance of the one I know & love don't mind, I went to the health food store for kelp pills. Thyroid issues run in my family and though mine was tested last spring, sometimes the blood panel doesn't catch it.*

So, kelp pills. Except they were out of the pill form, they just had the powder. Did I want the powder? Sure, I'd take the powder. The label read, "can be used as a salt substitute due to its salty flavor".

Uh, no. It doesn't have a "salty flavor". It tastes like fucking KELP. Kelp that's been lying in the sun for three days. And then been pooped on by seagulls.

At least I'm not burping it up. Nothing says, "Come give me a kiss, honey," like breath that smells like rancid seaweed.

*I would just go back to my doctor and get her to re-do the bloodwork except, well, I don't have a doctor anymore. Shortly before Christmas she just closed up her practice and went home to raise her babies (who are 5 and 7). No letter, no phone call, just a vague message on the clinic's answering machine and a tiny announcement in the local paper. Thanks a lot, lady.


Needs no explanation:


Epic duel by *IsisMasshiro on deviantART

Did I mention I feel like shit? Yes? Well, it bears repeating. Since that seems to be the only thing in my brain right now. Other than mucus.

I'm not going to submit a logo to 99designs today. I re-worked one and re-submitted it, so I'm counting that.

(Apparently I even fail at 2-week Resolutions. Oh, don't act like you're shocked.)


And, yeah. That's all I got. Tune in next week when I promise to take psychotropic drugs or something to provide you with a more interesting post. You see the things I do for you guys?

Random up, link up, yadda yadda, blah blah. Where's my Neo Citran at?

Supporting athletes should be left to jock straps, not pastries

So I started my first Two Week Resolution, which is to submit a logo design a day to 99designs.com, and I've met my quota for the whole two days I've been doing it so far. It's been taking a bit more time than I thought it would, and yet today when I managed to get one submitted during the toddler's naptime I was all, sweet! I have a free evening in which to play video games or read comics or hell, go to bed early!

Then I was like, oh riiiiiigggghhhht. That blooooggggg thing.

Half of you are probably off at Blissdom anyway, but I will share with you something I spotted the other day. I was at Tim Horton's, which is Canada's answer to, say, Dunkin' Donuts. Except it's WAY more addictive because I'm fairly certain they make their coffee with butter.

Or maybe crack cocaine.

Anyway, they were featuring a donut covered in tiny red candy maple leafs. Ooooh, how patriotic! Except - wait - Canada Day isn't until July, guys. What's with the unwarranted patriotism?

(Canadians don't like to get all patriotic for no good reason. It's ostentatious.)

(It's the same reason we say "excuse me" when somebody bumps into US, okay? We're just inexplicably weird that way.)

Then I realized, oh! It must be for the Winter Olympics, which are in Vancouver soon.

Because...nothing screams "Olympic athlete" like a big fat deep fried DONUT.

Nice one, guys.

Maybe it's because they're shaped like an Olympic ring? Yeah, we'll go with that.

I think if you know me at all, you'll realize these New Years Resolutions are about as "on time" as they'll get

I was so enamored of the "2-week Resolution" idea, I decided to make a list of mine. I'm not sure any of these will help me become a better person, but hey, it might make good blog material. (I realize I keep saying that and not following through, but these are SHORT goals. I've gotta be better at that, right? Ooooh look something shiny!)

...Plus I'm starting late so really I only have to do 24.

Jan 1-Jan 14: Oops, missed the boat. Nobody informed me.

Jan 15-Jan 28: Well, this is half over. So I'll just call this fortnight a total loss.

Jan 29-Feb 11: Design a logo a day for competition at 99designs.com

Feb 12-Feb 25: Do one nice thing for hubby each day. Valentine's and all that.

Feb 26-March 11: Eat vegetarian. This probably will entail learning to cook something vegetarian. Nachos don't count.

March 12-March 25: Go skating as much as possible. Try to learn to 'sideways stop' on hockey skates.

March 26-April 8: Practice yoga each day.

April 9-April 22: Eat one weird thing each day from the "not labelled in english" aisle at the grocery store.

April 23-May 6: Do one thing a day that is charitable or a service to others. Volunteer, carry the neighbour's groceries, donate old clothing, etc.

May 7-May 20:
May 21-June 3:
June 4-June 17: I'm putting 3 of these together and saying "Learn Japanese". Because that's when the high-intensity Spring semester happens at the university. I'm sure I won't really learn much Japanese so maybe I should call it "take high-intensity spring semester class at the university".

June 18-July 1: Walk to work every day. There's a long weekend in here, so win! for me & laziness.

July 2-July 15: Visit 8 parks we've never been to before.

July 16-July 29: Go skydiving.

July 20-August 12: Hoping to go to BlogHer. So...I'm keeping this week free.

August 13-August 26: Learn or make up at least 6 new kids games to play with my son.

August 27-September 9: Go camping.

September 10-September 23: Get on the Wii for 15 minutes a day.

September 24-October 7: Draw a comic frame a day (pencils AND inks, yo).

October 8-October 21: Take a 'photo shoot' every day, whether it's outside or set up.

October 22-November 4: Visit at least 3 haunted locations.

November 5-November 18: Be more social. Go out or entertain at least 8 times.

November 19-December 2: Get a big honking canvas and paint something, a little bit every day. (As much as I can draw, I really suck at painting. So this is a growth opportunity. Or possibly just an opportunity for everyone to laugh at me.)

December 3-December 16: <--I have no idea. Why don't you guys come up with something Christmassy for me?

December 17-December 31: Learn and make a new mixed booze drink every day.

...What? It seems like a good way to end the year, no?