Whatever happened to that thing, with that person…?

Seeing as it’s a new year (Rabbit!) I thought I’d tie up a few loose ends.  You know, those things that you sometimes blog about and then become a non-issue in your world, so you forget to tell everybody how it all turned out? 

So whatever happened with…

…the ultrsound call-back to tell me about my liver tumor gall bladder?

Okay, it wasn’t a liver tumor OR an ossified fetus (though there are some benign cysts on my liver).  According to my doc, it wasn’t anything, and the pain and discomfort I’ve been feeling on that side of my body must be muscular.  She prescribed me some muscle relaxants that did nothing at all.  I still feel like I have an extra organ in there or something.

the meditation?

Um, well, I haven’t been back.  Not that I didn’t like it, just that it’s hard to coordinate my mother and I to get there, and I feel underqualified to go by myself (if one can be underqualified to breathe).  Still want to go again though.  More breathing in 2011!

the South Beach diet?

I’d probably be posting bikini shots of myself by now if I’d stuck with it, so let’s just say that it’s not conducive to life during December (or October…or November).

…the dream job?

Well, I didn’t get it, obviously.  I didn’t even get an interview, despite my well-matched qualifications, and when I called to inquire why, they only said “There were better-qualified applicants”.  Which of course I assumed means I just suck.  The career counsellor I’m working with assures me that sometimes they already have a candidate in mind, but are obliged to post the job anyway.  On good days I believe her.

the fridge?

I know you were hanging on the edge of your seat with this one.  C’mon, the state of my household appliances affects your mental health, I know.

Anyway, it’s still going.  It continues to make dreadful noises (including some kind of hissing sound from underneath that makes me concerned that it will burst into flames), but still keeps things cold.  Replacing it during the Boxing Day sales would have made the most sense, which means that it will crap out when appliances are the most expensive.  So, like, June? 


And now you’re all caught up.  What are you doing to start the new year?

I'm talking about ACTUAL wrestling, people, it's not a euphemism. Well, it's still fake, but, y'know. (Random Tuesday Thoughts)


It's the first Tuesday of the New Year! The New Decade, even.

I feel like there should be something sparkly here.

That seems like a lot of work, though, so I'll just jump right in.

I'm blogging tonight to the background soundtrack of Bret Hart's "triumphant" return to wrestling.

Yes, I DO live with a 12-year-old boy (who lives in the body of a 35-year-old man). I'm thinking at some point I should have The Talk with him, y'know? The one where I tell him that some things, like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and wrestling, aren't *gasp* real?

Oh, here, I found something sparkly:


You know that needle-scratching-off-the-record sound that they use in movies and TV to indicate an abrupt and awkward end to the action?

How does anybody under the age of 20 get the reference?

Oh, wait. DJs. Okay, never mind. Carry on.

I went shopping today and all the Valentine's crap was already crowding the shelves. Baby Jesus is crying, you guys.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work since before Christmas. I'm crying along with Baby Jesus.

There is a lot of pleather, booing, and bad combovers in this WWE thing.

Best costume EVA.

Sorry for all the very abrupt random thoughts today. They're all I can muster before I get distracted by bad rock music and fake grunting and WRESTLING ANNOUNCER VOICE GUY. Also, I've been off work for a week. I thought I'd relax and do a lot of Nothing. So I did that, and apparently my brain atrophied.

It was probably dangerously close to liquefying anyway.

It's nice to see that political incorrectness is still alive and well in wrestling. They just tossed a little person a cookie for attacking on cue.

I tore through the entire run of Runaways trade paperbacks in two days. I know I read quickly, and comics obviously makes it even quicker, but now I'm thinking about getting some kind of e-reader. I don't read as much as I'd like to, just because I don't have time to get to the library or bookstore. Obviously I prefer actual books - I stare at a screen plenty already - but if I could just download books I'd probably do more reading, which would be a plus. Does anybody have a Kindle or anything? Like 'em?

There, now you have a starting point for your own random thoughts! Got some bits left over from last year, or some shiny new 2010 thoughts that you need to get out there? Write em down and link em up!

This post is mostly about poop.

Yesterday, I thought I was going to die from what appeared to be a horrible stomach flu. Possibly dysentery. But I did some Dr. Google sleuthing and noticed that I seemed to be the only family member afflicted, and with some mental calculations came to the only logical conclusion: that it wasn't stomach flu. In fact, apparently this is me, ovulating.

If my calculations are correct, my child is never going to have a sibling. Because nothing says "Please, knock me up!" like cramping and runny stool.

While I was actively dying, hubby popped his head in and said in a worried tone, "I think the dog ate an avocado pit."

Fucking dog. Pretty much the only thing she WON'T eat is mushrooms*, but an avocado pit? Really?

He didn't actually see her eat the avocado pit, but it was nowhere to be found. We pulled out the stove and everything. A slightly panicky phone call to the veterinarian assured us that yes, indeed, it would require very expensive surgery. Need you even ask?

However, here we are over 24 hours and two dog-meals later and the canine seems fine. The vet also told us that she'd be throwing up or lethargic if the avocado pit was stuck in her intestine. (She's pretty much an ottoman that sheds, so I have to assume that "lethargic" means "won't get up at the sound of crinkly plastic".) No sign of either. Which begs the question - where the hell DID the avocado pit go?

So how's your week going?

*I know, right? Makes you wonder about mushrooms.

What to get your nerdy practical girl for the holidays

(a.k.a. What Keely Wants for Christmas)

I find that I don't actually want many tangible things for Christmas this year. Unless it's "a really good OB who can troubleshoot my uterus" or "a volunteer vet who wants to fix my dog for free" or "a contractor performing random acts of kindness who wants to reno my bathroom". See? I'm horrifyingly practical now that I'm somebody's mother. I mean, your average fangirl is super easy to shop for: just get her a Buffy Season 8 trade paperback or a plush Harry Potter Monster Book of Monsters or a Star Trek original series replica Medical Tricorder. Or if you're in the money (and trust her not to turn it on you), Saruman's staff of power.

All of those things would have thrilled me in years gone by, but now it's just more crap in my tiny house. Really cool, well-made crap that will be instantly destroyed by the thresher that is my kid.

But, do not despair, there are still things that women in my situation covet. To wit:

1. A Brown Coat. But not just ANY brown coat, a browncoat's brown coat. Totally useful, stylish, and if you're lucky it still smells like Captain Malcolm Reynolds.

2. A Keurig single-cup coffee maker. Countertop real estate in my kitchen is not plentiful. So I would set this baby up next to the computer and game all night, always telling myself I was "just having ONE cup".

Well, or, at least I could have a cup and dream about doing that. Sigh.

3. Star Wars Lightsaber Chopsticks. The people who run the sushi restaurant we frequent (and I mean frequent) already laugh at us for showing up so much. This would just be icing on the cake. Er, sushi.

4. The motivation to get back to working out.

Oh, that one's not tangible either, is it? My bad.

5. A Dawn Simulator Alarm Clock. Now that I have to get up in the cold pre-light hours again, I'm lusting after one of these. Although, unless they have a companion "coma simulator" for hubby, I'll probably just have to keep on lusting. Having the "sun" come up 2 hours after he's hit the pillow seems a little cruel and unnecessary.

6. A snowblower. Oh, shut up. I have two driveways this winter, since we're finally able to use our garage for, y'know, parking a car in. So I need something to make my life easier so I can...make my life easier.

I know, I don't ask for much, right?

Also I'd like world peace and a big mug of mulled wine. But I'd settle for household peace, and a big mug of mulled wine.

What do you guys covet?

I'm judgy that way

I'm supposed to be writing a novel, because clearly I'm insane and signed up for NaNoWriMo. Just as clearly I'm NOT writing a novel, I'm letting you know what I think about some stuff. But quickly, so I can get back to not writing that novel.

An Echo In The Bone, by Diana Gabaldon: I think she's trying to make up for the fact that she's been dragging the Outlander series on for SEVEN BOOKS NOW, and that the last two were kind of 'meh'. Because this one is full of action and plot and lots of juicy bits, and I was actually anxious for the characters a lot. But then she kind of tacked a plot device onto the end in very abbreviated fashion, something that could have been much more interesting and extended, and left another part completely hanging, which she's never done before. Usually she tidies everything up and leaves her characters poised on the edge of a brand new day. So if you hate cliffhangers, wait until the last one is out so you can keep reading.

President's Choice "Spelt with Red Pepper" side dish: I don't know what made me decide my family was lacking in spelt, but I bought this a while ago. Hubby finally cooked it this past week, and by 'cooked' I mean 'added the obscene amount of water as directed and then obsessed over how long it was taking to boil off, finally gave up and made Stove Top Stuffin''. It did, in fact, absorb all the water eventually and was pronounced as 'um, well, not bad'. I thought it was gross. If you are medically required to ingest more spelt, for some reason, then it would be tolerable, but when you're perfectly able to eat something more palatable (like Stove Top Stuffin'), I would recommend doing so. Sorry, PC, I normally like your stuff, I guess I just don't dig spelt.

The E.N.D., Black Eyed Peas: I keep waiting for this album to grow on me, but it's not, really, other than a few songs. Also, BEP has never had to 'grow on me' before, it just grabs and shakes. I'm saddened by this, but perhaps I'm just not their target market anymore?

Chic Gamine, Chic Gamine: This, on the other hand, has TOTALLY grown on me. It was released in 2008 but, they're Canadian so maybe not too many people have caught on yet? Anyway, beautiful vocals and happy music.

Relator, Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson: I thought, really? Scarlett Johansson? But this tune is endearing and her voice is sweet and bluesy. I haven't listened to the whole album yet (Break Up), so I can't pass judgement, summary or otherwise.

Wiped! (Life With a Pint Sized Dictator), by Rebecca Eckler: I'm probably late to the party on this one. I got it from my Mom, who got it from her cousin with the comment, "Keely's blog is much better."* Which, y'know, made me blush and mumble something demur-ish. I'm half way through it, and while I don't make any claims to be a better writer, I can kind of see what she meant. It's not exceptional - it says nothing regarding new motherhood that a thousand women haven't said before. It's, at best, mildly amusing. Also, it's hard to feel empathy for someone who has a full-time nanny and two months in Maui, y'know?

The 2009 Hallowe'en Event on City of Heroes: Every year my fave MMO has a 'Hallowe'en Event', which usually includes trick-or-treating for loot and badges. This year they added a zone event for more badges, which is cool. It's okay. I just wish they'd do something, y'know...spooky.

Help I'm Alive, Metric: Help, I can't get this song out of my head.

That is all. I got this 'summary judgement' idea from Becky at Suburban Matron. You should try one, it was very cathartic.

4 readily-available beauty products that aren't trying to kill you or the environment, and actually work

I know, that was a long ass title. But that's really what these are. Do you know how much time I spend trying to find eco-friendly, low-toxicity products? And how much money I spend on them only to find out that they don't even fucking WORK? I swear "eco-friendly" is practically synonymous with "stupid and useless".

So here, you get the fruits of my labours. Some stuff I've found that actually works, you can find on your regular shopping trips, and won't make you (or our lovely green planet) die.

(Disclaimer: I mean from cancer or leprosy or something. I'm pretty sure if someone threw one of these at you hard enough, and hit you in the eyeball or groinal region, it might kill you. I'M TALKING REGULAR USAGE HERE, people. It's sad that I even have to write that disclaimer, and even more sad that I just chuckled at the mental image of someone impaled on a shampoo bottle.)

1. Tom's of Maine Lemongrass Deoderant. I'm pretty sure my Mom used to use this stuff, back when SHE was a hippie. So I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I was afraid I'd smell like an army of Pledge, but it doesn't really smell like anything after you put it on. You still sweat. You just don't stink. Or increase your chances of Alzheimers or cancer.

I found it at Shopper's Drug Mart, but WalMart also carries it.

2. Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm. I'm kinda picky about my lip gloss/balm. At one point I had an entire drawer full (that was, uh, pre-child. Now they're just choking/mess hazards). When I found out what went into a lot of them - YOU PUT THEM ON YOUR MOUTH, FOR THE LUVVA GAWD - I got even pickier. Burt's Bees works, tastes good, and you can find it practically everywhere. Shopper's, WalMart, Target.

3. Live Clean "Clean Air" Shampoo & Conditioner. Okay, I'm not sure how 'readily available' this one actually is to you Yanks. I think it's a Canadian company. But it's organic, vegan, sulfate & paraben free, and it actually cleans your hair. And smells pretty. WalMart carries it here in Canada. They have a baby line, too, which I haven't found or tried yet, and unfortunately the rest of their hair product line (mousse, hairspray) rates a good solid shrug.

4. Bare Escentuals Mineral Foundation. This may seem like a no-brainer - it's just minerals! - but it contains things like titanium dioxide that aren't super great to be inhaling, considering its powder form. But, otherwise, it's a freakin' miracle foundation. The infomercials are right. (I hate that.) You can find it at Sephora, or order it online.

That's certainly not all the products I've found that work, but they're in the few I've found at common retailers. So do me a favour, folks, since each and every one of you have touched my life, and I'd be really bummed if you caught The Cancer. Check out your local health food stores, and maybe try out a few of the products. If you find something that won't kill you and actually works, let us all know. Large retailers aren't going to carry that stuff unless we tell them to.

Aaaannnnd, that's me, off my soapbox for at least another month. Back to zombies, comics, and Advil-Robaxacet-red wine cocktails. Happy Friday, y'all.

Smell that?

In my medicine cabinet is a bottle of perfume that my friend Fashionista bought for me, in Byron Bay, shortly before we left Australia. It's very pretty; the perfume itself is green, and it's named something earthy-sounding, but I don't use it.

I'm not really a 'perfume' person, but I'm in love with the idea of perfume, of having a 'signature scent', one that someone wouldn't notice initially, but that when they smelled it later, it would evoke memories of me. (Also, by that point in our travels, I was also in love with the idea of smelling like a GIRL and not the flip-flops I wore in the last 37 hostel showers.)

I used the perfume regularly when we first got back from Australia, but when the bottle got about half-empty I stopped, panicked that once it was empty, I'd be unable to replace it. I became the 'non-perfume' person, that I really am, again.

I haven't touched it in a couple of years but this morning I noticed that there was less of it. Well, duh, I thought, it was evaporating. So I spritzed myself with it, thinking it might evoke some memories of my travels. But I forgot that I hadn't really used it while travelling; I'd mostly used it when I came home. When I came crashing back to reality. It smelled of regret, dissatisfaction and the heavy burden of familiarity.

(Also, a little bit like old lady.)

So much for my signature scent. I guess I'll just go back to watching it evaporate slowly. Like memories.

What about you - do you have a signature scent? Or something you can't smell without thinking of a certain time?