The one (and only) where I try to sell you things. THINGS THAT MIGHT KEEP YOU HEALTHY. You’re welcome.

Anybody remember how a little while ago I mentioned I was considering becoming a rep for a company called OnlyGreen? No? It’s okay, I assume that I’m talking to myself most of the time.

But anyway, I went ahead and did just that, became an "Eco Advisor" for OnlyGreen. Anybody who knows me realizes that this kind of thing is, well, not really my thing. I mean, it involves sales. And talking passionately about stuff. Stuff that is not the Zombie Apocalypse.

(Seriously, you guys really need to start fortifying and stockpiling.)

But, I like the concept of OnlyGreen because there is a lot of scary information out there, about pthalates and parabens and PVCs and what they can do to us (and the planet, though personally I think that once we poison ourselves and all die from cancer that the planet will be fine). And I totally understand why a person would choose to NOT try to wade through that constantly-shifting information, and instead assume that the FDA knows what they're doing and Big Pharma truly does have our best interests in mind and lalalalalalalala I can't heeeeaaaaaaar you.

Because otherwise you end up whimpering and rocking in a corner, unable to bathe or eat or wear anything other than a burlap sack.

What was my point?

Oh, right. OnlyGreen just does all the research FOR you. All their products are subject to stringent criteria for eco-friendliness and sustainable harvesting and lack of the kind of chemicals that might grow you an extra liver or make your face fall off. It makes it easy to choose products that are truly "green", instead of just labelled that way. And as we all know...every little bit helps.

So that is all I'm going to say about THAT, because shilling wares is not what this blog is about (I don't know what it IS about, still, but it's not that)(Also, that's what TWITTER is for, mwahhahhahah). I'll put up a permanent link up top (once I figure out how to do that without breaking my blog) and then shut the fuck up. If there's enough interest, periodically I might hold an "Eco Workshop" where I give you little factoids about the amount of endocrine-altering chemicals your PVC dildo is offgassing, or how everytime you buy a Proctor & Gamble product they kill a kitten*, and then I might offer you some discounts. But if there's little to no interest, I'll happily go back to just being your RTT bitch.

*Totally facetious. I'm pretty sure P&G lets them grow up to be cats first.**

**Again, facetious. Please don't sue me.

Some people climb into tiger cages, I set myself up for situations like this

I may have mentioned this, but probably not, because I don't need to tell you people ANYTHING, okay? October is a busy month and I actually just noticed in any meaningful way that it was sneaking up on me. Next week, I'm going on another little concert road trip. This time I'm going with the hubster.

That pretty much means we could only be going to see ONE band, and that is Metallica. Now, I like Metallica, but I wouldn't consider myself a true fan. Hubby, on the other hand, belongs to the fan club. That means he gets little perks like pre-sale tickets and a chance to meet the band.

I'm actually kind of afraid that will happen. There is nothing more terrifying for someone as socially inept as me than the thought of not only having to meet total strangers, famous strangers, but famous people of whom you aren't really a fan. Um, awkward? "Hi, I'm Keely, I couldn't tell you your name if you held a gun to my head, let alone your birthday or what instrument you play, which is probably okay since you know that stuff anyway right? Being that you're you and all? Also, I haven't listened to anything of yours with any kind of regularity since Ride the Lightning when I was 16 and really drunk, but I used to do THAT all the time. For real!, do you ever think you might cut your hair?"

Actually, the only thing more terrifying to me is what is actually going to happen, and that is that my MIL is coming to stay with our son. In my house. Without me. She will be in my house, unsupervised, for over 24 hours.

Gah. I mean, which direction do I take this? Do I clean frantically and hide all the incriminating evidence?

Or do I just distract her from all the little deficiencies with something glaringly obviously, like a boxful of wiggly neon dildos?

Decisions, decisions.

If you scream in cyberspace, does anybody care?

If somebody broke the internet, how long would it take us to find out what happened?

Think about it. I logged on to my work computer this morning, and launched my browser, only to get a Site Not Found message. Google: Site Not Found. Hotmail: Site Not Found. Facebook: Site Not Found.

Hm. Okay. No big panic.

(Well maybe a small panic)

The network is probably down. I'll just check the wireless connection. I mean, I'm sure it's just MY computer, although it could be the whole office. Or the whole block, maybe someone cut a cable. Or - IT COULD BE THE WHOLE INTERNET. OH HOLY CRAP, SOME SADISTIC BASTARD BROKE THE INTERNET.

Because those are the kinds of conclusions I jump to before I've had any coffee.

(And yes, I'm blogging from work. I'm on a coffee break. SHUT UP, this is important.)

Anyway, obviously I got my internet back. But not before I thought about how I get the entirety of my information - the internet, of course. Stuff I see on the news and hear on the radio I've usually already read on the internet, at least two days earlier. If someone broke the internet, it could be MONTHS before the news got here via carrier pigeon. And then - gasp! - someone might have to tell me face to face.

How unreliable is THAT?

Anyway, I'm very sorry if I've scared you. I've had my coffee now, I'm all better. Back to you regularly scheduled programming.


Some stuff for you guys, because I'm in a giving mood and you're all pretty cool

Remember the online game, Faunasphere, that I posted about a while ago? Well I'm still playing it. Because it's still totally addictive. Really, what other game gives you goals like "Breed an all-white 'Hugger'"?

Okay, so the one I bred had 7 eyeballs and homicidal tendencies. Whatever, it met the criteria.

Because I like to push my addictions on other people, Jenny from Big Fish Games has given me 10 beta accounts to give to you guys! She even pre-made them with cute and cool screen names. Which, trust me, is preferable to having ME choose your screen name. You just wouldn't get any respect with a label floating over your head that said "Flaccidophalus" or "Princess Pherschnoogenfailure".

Trust me on that one.

So let me know if you want to play via comment or email, and I'll hook you up!

And, because so many of you asked (well, there was that one person, shut up), the recipe for 5 Minute Microwave Chocolate Cake in a Mug:

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug (MicroSafe)

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well..
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT ! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous)*.

Let me know how that goes, since I am microwave-free myself. And that is all I have for you today. I think next week there's a book giveaway, or something. I don't know, I'll have to check with my people.**

*You're making chocolate cake in five minutes in your microwave. Just go for broke, yo.

**I'm just fucking with you. I don't have people. I used to, but I didn't feed them and they died.