Attention Biohackers

I’ve been reading a lot lately about biohacking and do-it-yourself biology. For someone like me, who thinks that the question of the zombie apocalypse is not if, but when, this should probably be horrifying, but it isn’t.

I’ve been working on redesigning the human body for YEARS now.  Are you paying attention, biohackers? I don’t personally want to inject myself with flourescent protein genes or a herpes treatment, but I have some project goals you should aim for.

Okay, first off, toes. Toes are stupid. They keep getting broken or ingrown toenails or broken ingrown toenails, and you can’t really fix them, you just have to tape them to the next toe. (As if THAT toe is really any better.) Feet are awesome, they carry you everywhere, but the toe aspect has got to go. I understand that they’re there for balance, but I think the whole business could be avoided by fusing them into one big flap. Then if you whack them on the coffee table, the worst you do is bruise your flap.


The second major flaw is eyes. Comparatively speaking, our eyes suck. We have no peripheral vision. Our head has to be on a swivel to watch out for predators (or to spy on what your co-worker is actually looking at on his screen) and frankly that’s literally a pain in the neck. And if you poke one, your sight is terrible, never mind peripheral. You don’t even have depth perception at that point. We need more eyes.

Or! Segmented eyes, like bugs. One giant, segmented eye. That sees 16 million colors, like a mantis shrimp.

(That part may be a stretch goal.)

I have all kinds of other minor improvements but the big one - the best one - is some kind of readout panel.

Primarily on kids. I mean, maybe test it on adults or rhesus monkeys just so you don’t piss off any human rights groups. But once it’s perfected, kids are the ones who need that panel. Parents are the ones who need to read it.

Are they hungry? Thirsty? Crabby? Tired? Is it too loud? Too quiet? Too wet? Are they actually screaming because I gave them a fruit pop when they specifically asked for one? How is their B12? Do they need Omega-3s?

And then when they’re older: Are they lying? Sad? Crushing on someone? Overdosing on screen time? Experiencing a massive surge of hormones for no good reason?

Actually, now that I think about it, there are definite uses for adults too, except they’d be better at hiding their panels. Fashion would be designed around hiding your panel. Flirty ruffles would tease at the edges of the readout.

Okay, never mind adults. Just kids.

Can we get on this?

Touche. Bitch.

Last winter was fucking miserable.

We got so much snow that when this winter began, the dump site from snow removal still had snow from last year. I am not even making this up. There were giant piles of snow that survived all goddamn summer.

I'm pretty sure that's how Ice Ages get started.

Anyway, for someone who lives in a province where it gets really fucking cold, every single year, and who has lived there the majority of her life, I am woefully underprepared. I own but one pair of long underwear, stolen inherited from my mother, and one pair of gloves that would keep my hands warm longer than 20 seconds. I have coats which, on a scale of 1-10 for protecting against the elements, rate a "WTF". My boots are fashionable but wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice a toe to frostbite.

I really don't know how I've survived this long. It certainly explains why I bitch so much.

So this year I declared my intent to buy a big, fuck-off-mother-nature, down-filled full length coat. And a pair of giant boots made from animals that had sacrificed their lives to keep my feet warm. Neither of these things is a thrifty endeavour, but I was determined to just make the investment and be warm for once.

"You know," my mom said when I told her my plan, "That pretty much guarantees we'll have the warmest winter on record."

"I know," I gloated. If my life has taught me anything, it's that things always work like that for me. (And, apparently, my mom, since she was familiar with the phenomenon.) Get prepared for once? Totally unnecessary. Unprepared as usual? Here's 16 feet of snow. 

I was ready to tell everyone, you're welcome. I bought my coat and boots and some extra mitts and made a "bring it" hand gesture towards Winter.

That was kind of stupid. It's been at least as cold as -20C (-4F for you 'merican folks) ever since. Mostly -40 with the wind chill. 

(To everyone: I am so sorry. So, so sorry.)

Occasionally it warms up abruptly for a day, I'm pretty sure only because it has a debilitating effect on my sinuses. 

You know, so I have something ELSE to bitch about for a while.