And now the Van Halen song is in your head too

Remember how I said Mother Nature is taking my simple purchase of a proper coat as a personal challenge? Yeah, that hasn't let up. I think everyone is getting hammered with it. They're calling it an arctic vortex, which sounds pretty doom and gloom. As if we weren't depressed enough about living in darkness and having to wear long underwear everywhere.

I mean, that shit flatters no one.

But with excellent timing, I have planned a trip in a few weeks to Panama. Where it's really warm, I hear.

I'm going with my cohorts from high school, the Four Horsewomen of the Wine-Induced Apocalypse. Except we're losing a Horsewoman, so there's only three, but I'm pretty sure that's enough for a few apocalypses.

We all turn the same age within about a year and a half. When we turned 30, we did something special for each person's birthday. We went on road trips, we went to the spa. I am the last one to celebrate, so my friends were out of ideas and just rented a limo and tried to kill me with liquor.

Speaking of apocalypses.

This time we figured we'd just do one BIG trip, and hopefully the liquor assassination attempts would all be mutual. Originally we thought Costa Rica, which got nixed due to finances, and after a lot of 'reply all' email chains we settled on Panama. Which has spiders, but I'm willing to overlook them if my friends are willing to stand between them and me.

They promised me they were. That's true friendship, folks.

I've traveled a fair bit in the past couple of years but rarely for pure pleasure, and I have suffered through every single bone ass cold January here since moving home from Vancouver over 15 years ago. So a hot weather vacation is due. I even bought a new bathing suit that makes me look like a super hero.

A slightly pudgy super hero, but hollywood is totally ripe for one of those, amirite?

Omg, it's going to be so fun. Sun, sand, booze, water, booze, two recently divorced friends.

What could possibly go wrong?


Christmas rambling, are you listening?

And then she disappeared again! No, not really, I still feel like I have teh thingz to say. I don't know what those things are, but the urge to blog has not yet left me.

But Alfred has been stealing my laptop to play Everquest. This is due to a) his apparent lack of awareness of improvements in gaming in the last 15 years and b) he recently quit wrestling so doesn't have to go to practice any more.

No more derby, no more wrestling. We're fickle in our commitments around the Un Mom household.

Anyway, far be it from me to deny him some solace in reminiscing around an elven campfire.

So are you ready for Christmas? I feel like we've entered that very weird time of year, where things at work slow down enough that I feel relaxed, but yet still have this impending sense of doom about other things. I don't know why, I do not go "all out" for the holidays, but I usually feel angsty all December. I have things! To do! But not really because I've never done them and I'm not doing them this year!

I don't do a big dinner, for instance, or have parties or do a lot of baking or even buy gifts for anybody other than my immediate family.

Well, and the cleaner. And something for the inlaws. And I guess I should get something for the teacher this year, that's a thing now that we're into grade 1.

Maybe something small for my co-workers.

Aaaaannnd I think we just identified the source of my angst.

My tree also gets me a little worked up. When I was a kid, we had the same decorations every year, and they all had a story behind them or were handcrafted by my mother or were otherwise meaningful in some way, and the lights were all mismatched and it was a glorious glittery tree of chaos. We had a moldy lump of playdoh in a vague reindeer shape that my brother made in kindergarten residing under the tree until I was in my 20s.

My Christmas trees, on the other hand, have a different color theme every year. It started out as a few different sets of ornaments that I rotated, but now I basically buy brand new decorations each time. We do have some meaningful ornaments, some that were given to us or that we made, and I will put those on the tree.

If they match the color theme.

(This year is turquoise and lime green. In case you were wondering.)

I don't know why I do this, other than it allows me the thrill of purchasing new ornaments every year, under the guise of being completely insane. Every year I spend about 3 weeks before we buy the tree wringing my hands and haunting the Christmas aisles of major retailers, looking for my chosen colors. At least this year I chose a popular color - the year I decided to go with blue and gunmetal gray, I lost a lot of hair.

(Getting the actual tree part is up to Alfred, and I don't get overwrought about that. Maybe as my disease progresses, I'll care more about the perfection and fluffiness of the tree, but for now I don't care how spindly and and lopsided it is, as long as I can cover it in the correct color of glitter.)

The actual decoration of the tree I try to make as delightful and festive as I remember it from my childhood, but in truth I grit my teeth a lot and Alfred is extra cautious around me. I think the 6 year old still enjoys himself during decorating, and hasn't noticed what a crazy person his mother is yet, so that's good. Maybe next year I'll pre-load with nog so that I'm not such a bitch.

I'd post a picture of the tree, which went up last weekend, but. Um. I need to get a few more turquoise and green decorations. It's not finished.


I know I'm not the only nutjob during the month of December - what gets you all in a lather? Inlaws? Cooking? Wrapping? People who don't say Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas or Happy Hannukah or Happy Kwanzaa or maybe they DO say those things but whatever they say, it's not what you'd prefer?

Merry Ho Ho, by the way.



Land ho

2011-06-30 19.05.26


Every summer I do this.  I purchase dirt.

Every summer part of me marvels at the absurdity of it.  I mean, I’m buying dirt.  Dirt.  The stuff you can dig up anywhere, that is generally equated with no monetary value whatsoever.  (“Cheap as dirt” is actually not a very good saying, since this little pile here cost me $146.  One hundred and forty six dollars for dirt.)

But there is another tiny part of me that gets immense satisfaction out of it.  It’s as though I feel like I own more of my property now, or something.  If I foreclose on my mortgage, I can be all, “No way, that pile there is bought and paid for.  Imma take that with me.”

Now I just need someone to shovel it.

(You people living on farms and beaches can stop laughing at me now.)

In related news, there’s this:



The first mojito of the season.

(Yeah, I mix them straight in the shaker.  It’s bigger.  Shut up.)

Man, I love summer.

Possibly Barbie didn’t like Ken stealing her jeans: Random Tuesday Thoughts


Oh, hi!  I didn’t see you there.  Behind the massive pile of empty Lindt chocolate wrappers.  Um…just let me move those.

I don’t have a problem, you know.  Just the occasional binge.  Once a year, really.

Well, okay, Hallowe’en too. 

And, yes, Christmas.  Thanksgiving is also a problem.  Really that whole season is always a bit of a blur…all of these holidays seem like cleverly-designed plots to make me gain another 5 lbs.  I’m not sure who I should complain to about that.

Anyway!  It’s Tuesday!  You know what that means, right?  Write your own random post, grab a button, leave a link and then go shower your fellow V-Day survivors with love! (You have some left, right?)

Levis has a new jeans style for men: The Ex-Girlfriend Jean.  Because…of course they do.  They’re uber-skinny jeans, stretchy, with a nice crotch-hugging effect which works out well, since obviously there are no balls there anymore.

(Does anybody else think we’re getting a little androgynous?  Like we’re aspiring to be that sexless race of highly-evolved alien type humanoids, but we want to get there tomorrow?)

*sings sadly*  Where have all…the real men gone…and where… *sob* ..are all the gods? Where’s the street-wise Heeerrrrculeeees *sniffle* to fight…the rising odds?

How was your Valentine’s Day?  Alfred and I don’t really acknowledge it, because, we don’t like to get mired down in “expectations” and “doing stuff for each other”.  But he usually brings me chocolates.  It’s a bit of a highwire act, what with the “you’re trying to make me fat?!” reaction versus the “you didn’t get me anything?!” reaction.  I think he errs on the side of caution, however, since at least if I’m placated with chocolate I’m less likely to cut a bitch.

I had a very productive weekend full of job applications and drawing comics.  Also, chocolate.

StumbleUpon somehow knew I would like this.  I’m sure I’m on a list somewhere now.  They’ll either be watching me very carefully or asking me to visit small warring countries with a sniper rifle in a diplomatic pouch.

Battlepug.  That…pretty much explains itself.  Interestingly, I have high hopes for the storyline.

How come you never draw comics about YOUR ugly pets?  Oh, fine.  You can just write a random post.  And link up.  I’M SO DEMANDING.

Where are my hover shoes, dammit? (Random Tuesday Thoughts)




That is all.  Carry on with the random.

I didn’t manage to gain my 5lbs in December.  In fact, I weighed myself today and I haven’t gained any weight.  I mean, I knew it was hard to lose weight – I’ve never been the sort of person who could give up chewing gum and lose 5 pounds as a result – but I had no idea it was hard to gain it, too.  However, apparently I can eat every Christmas treat in front of me and chug nog for a solid month, without any ill effects.

This is fascinating information to have.

I finally went ahead and booked my flight to Nashville for the BlissDom conference at the end of the month.  Yay!

I should probably tell my boss I’m going to that, huh?

Did you all have a good New Year’s Eve?  I remember when it used to be a thing for me.  There was excitement, anticipation, more than a few cocktails. We considered carefully what we would wear, we tried desperately to get rid of our shifts at work if we had them.  Even if you didn’t make plans the weeks or months in advance, there was always something going on.

The last few years, though, not as much.  This year, Alfred had to work, though he was home by 10.  I had a glass of wine and watched the second episode of Walking Dead, and went to bed at 11.  I was probably still awake when midnight rolled around, but only because I was lying there shivering and imagining how I’ll get home to protect my family if the Zombie Apocalypse hit while I am in Nashville.

So, just like every other night, really.

A couple of days ago I ordered some books online and I was going to include Eat Pray Love  because MindyAnn recommended it a while ago and also I’m probably the last person on the planet to read it.  But then they only had a used copy and it was going to be 2 weeks to ship and blah blah, I figured I’d just go buy one in the next couple of days.

Then today my Mom gave me my Christmas present, which included a copy of Eat Pray Love

Don’t you just love Christmas miracles?

I feel like I should have been more productive over my little break.  I was going to brush up on my Mac skills, do some drawing.  Instead I drank a lot of wine and watched non-PBSKids television for the first time in 2 years.  I’m sort of disappointed in myself.  I could have built a lightsaber, or something.

It was really good television though.

Muppets with people eyes.  Warning:  You cannot unsee this.

Okay, now I’m going to go read my book.  And learn how to Pray and maybe Love.  I have the Eating down to an art form already.

Whatever happened to that thing, with that person…?

Seeing as it’s a new year (Rabbit!) I thought I’d tie up a few loose ends.  You know, those things that you sometimes blog about and then become a non-issue in your world, so you forget to tell everybody how it all turned out? 

So whatever happened with…

…the ultrsound call-back to tell me about my liver tumor gall bladder?

Okay, it wasn’t a liver tumor OR an ossified fetus (though there are some benign cysts on my liver).  According to my doc, it wasn’t anything, and the pain and discomfort I’ve been feeling on that side of my body must be muscular.  She prescribed me some muscle relaxants that did nothing at all.  I still feel like I have an extra organ in there or something.

the meditation?

Um, well, I haven’t been back.  Not that I didn’t like it, just that it’s hard to coordinate my mother and I to get there, and I feel underqualified to go by myself (if one can be underqualified to breathe).  Still want to go again though.  More breathing in 2011!

the South Beach diet?

I’d probably be posting bikini shots of myself by now if I’d stuck with it, so let’s just say that it’s not conducive to life during December (or October…or November).

…the dream job?

Well, I didn’t get it, obviously.  I didn’t even get an interview, despite my well-matched qualifications, and when I called to inquire why, they only said “There were better-qualified applicants”.  Which of course I assumed means I just suck.  The career counsellor I’m working with assures me that sometimes they already have a candidate in mind, but are obliged to post the job anyway.  On good days I believe her.

the fridge?

I know you were hanging on the edge of your seat with this one.  C’mon, the state of my household appliances affects your mental health, I know.

Anyway, it’s still going.  It continues to make dreadful noises (including some kind of hissing sound from underneath that makes me concerned that it will burst into flames), but still keeps things cold.  Replacing it during the Boxing Day sales would have made the most sense, which means that it will crap out when appliances are the most expensive.  So, like, June? 


And now you’re all caught up.  What are you doing to start the new year?

More Christmassy crap, covered in glitter because it’s festive: Random Tuesday Thoughts



So….it’s the holiday version of Random Tuesday Thoughts, the one where I’m happy and seasonal (or well seasoned) and positive about Christmas!  Rather than the one where I’m sluggish with turkey dinner and too much nog and inlaw overdose. 

(That’s what you have to look forward to NEXT week.)

So, has anybody got time to get random or are you all frantically baking cookies?

(Do you have extra?  I’ll email you my address.  I have less than 2 weeks to meet my goal of five extra pounds on my ass by New Years’.)

I’m having nog.  Of course.  Why is it that the uber-light, 0%, pretty much tasteless nog is still 210 calories a cup?

His motivations are murky, but I’m pretty sure it’s because Jesus hates my involvement in Christmas.

Speaking of nog, here’s a lovely little item from two years ago, when we spent New Years’ with the inlaws in Hellville.  It was the classy mural on the front of the hotel bar.



Guess where we’re headed for Christmas?

FoN and I tried to recreate the drunken alien angel crafting spectacle this weekend and failed miserably.  Neither of us had anything for craft supplies, not even glow-in-the-dark drinking straws, and we weren’t brave enough to venture out to Michael’s (holiday craft shoppers are insane, you guys).  So we decided we’d drink and wrap presents instead, but we had to keep all the kids in the basement, and there was a lot of “Moooommm, he’s hitting me!” and hysterical non-sleeping and “Mooooooomm, he pinched me!” so we got about 3 presents done and then I had to take my hitting-and-pinching preschooler home.

Christmas would be way more fun without the children.

Farmville for Dummies.  Sadly, yes, really.

Apparently there’s a lunar eclipse tonight, happening on the winter solstice for the first time in 400 years or something?  If I wake up and find out I missed the apocalypse, I’m gonna be pissed.

I’m not sure why but I have “Everybody’s Working for the Weekend” in my head.

Everybody wants a little romance, oh yeeaaaaahhhh yeah yeah!

Does everybody want to play Random Tuesday Thoughts?

Wait, there's something happening tonight?

I've never been a big New Years partyer (over priced drinks for lackluster entertainment and the complete inability to find a cab! Whee!), or big on resolutions, either. So somehow it managed to escape me that today is not just the last day of the year, it's the last day of the decade.

I was going to post a summary of what I did this year, but in light of this sudden revelation, maybe I'll cover more ground.

So. What have I done in the last decade?

Travelled. Got a university degree, and a couple of tattoos. Snagged my soul mate, adopted an insane dog, bought a house and birthed probably the cutest kid ever (I'm still waiting for my award).

What have I done this past year?

*checks post history*

Uh...not a fuck of a lot, actually. Close to nothing, in fact. But hey - I blogged about it.

(I hereby resolve to do better next year.)

(I mean that in a "non-resolutiony" kind of way.)

If I want to reduce clutter I should probably stop getting too fat for my clothes: Random Tuesday Thoughts


And so, another year is done. Holy crap, y'all, I've been doing this blogging thing for two Christmas seasons now! That's longer than I've kept my head in the game for most things. Including parenting!

Random Tuesdays has been going on almost that long, too. But still, occasionally someone new wanders by accidentally (probably tempted by the eggnog and cookies I left out). It's really easy, folks - if you've got a bunch of stray thoughts that aspire to be a whole blog post some day, but don't quite cut the mustard*, stitch them all together with this handy purple badge and then link up!

*I thought the phrase is actually "pass muster", and I've just been fucking it up the whole time. But, no, apparently I'm not the first person to get it wrong. Which, I guess, is good. If I hadn't built such a reputation on pioneering fuckups, that is. Now what will define me?? I'm just one of the crowd!

My Mom just started her own blog. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

No, really, I'll get back to you on it.

I have this whole week off and my goal is to have the house looking like something out of Real Simple magazine for at least two days before I have to go back to work. This would be a lot more achievable if it weren't Christmas. I mean, it's hard to purge your house of unnecessary crap during a holiday that's pretty much dedicated to acquiring more crap.

Anybody want some crap?

The new TV actually takes up LESS space, so it's justified.

Shut up. At least I got rid of the old one first.

We also got my son a "real" bed. Pardon me while I take a few moments to go curl myself around his newborn onesies in a corner and sob uncontrollably.

I am debating whether to blame my shrinking jeans on hormones, Christmas cookies, or aliens. Possibly all three. I ripped the butt out of my favorite pair today. Which, y'know, I guess they were a little worn out. But still. The reason they were my favorite was because they were the really nice pair I bought myself as a reward for hitting my Weight Watchers goal a while back.

Okay, a year and a half ago.


I still have Christmas present to wrap. I've never been very good at the "timely" thing.

So I should go do some gaming that. Hard to have a Real Simple house with unwrapped presents, I tell ya. I want this house looking as neat and tidy as this blog!

Um. Okay, bad example.

I'm sure it would look much better if I dusted...*shoves empty wine glasses and chocolate wrappers under the couch* Well, it wouldn't be random if it were tidy, now, would it? It's your turn to play...grab the button and link up, and then go bless the others with a holiday visit!

Tis the season for multiple homicides, fa la la la la, la la la

Today kicked off Happy Family Time, which is to say that hubby has a few days off and it finally feels like Christmas. I had big plans for today - we were going to wake up late, have some waffles and bacon, and go out and let our combined bonuses buy us a replacement for our tv, which is 20" and has a weird permanent splash of orange in the bottom left corner. Possibly we were going to have a group nap, and we were definitely going to get the tree up and decorated before the 23rd of December for once in our lives.

Naturally that meant the toddler woke up early and crabby, we didn't get waffles OR bacon, and we didn't get anywhere close to leaving the house. Other than hubby, who fled the scene (ostensibly to borrow a saw to saw off the bottom off the Christmas tree, because I know we have one but do you think I can fucking find it?) when I bellowed at our whiny 2 year old, "WE. ARE. HAVING. HAPPY FAMILY TIME!"

Our group nap was interrupted by an unannounced visit from the inlaws, who brought brightly wrapped presents for our son and then told him he couldn't open them. Of course. Because toddlers totally get that, right?

Anyway. Somewhere around then I pulled my own head out of my ass and decided to just roll with the punches, and it didn't even have anything to do with alcohol. (Though it might have had something to do with flogging my MIL through a snowy field pulling a 40-lb toddler on the sled she brought him, because I was *ahem* too busy taking pictures to pull him myself. Warmed my heart to see her getting some exercise, I tell ya.) Happy Family Time did indeed turn into actual happy family time, and I even got some cookies baked.

And we got the tree up on the 20th. SCORE.

I swear she doesn't have a heart condition