Oops, it's that time of the month...

No, not THAT time of the month. (That's still all frakked up, thanks for asking.) It's the time of the month where Casey over at Half As Good As You pesters us into logging our fitness & weight loss progress for club HASAY.

Here's where I'm at: the exercises and stretches that Trainer Lady is getting me to do are helping my effed-up back immensely. She's given me the green light to get back to working out, provided I stretch and roll all my muscles out on the Pool Noodle of Pain foam roller and make sure everything is in alignment and pray thricely to the Nautilus Gods and for the luvvapete, take it slow.

But I haven't. I'm doing the strength exercises she's given me, and that's about the extent of it. My back still feels...kind of twitchy. Like, Bobcat Goldwhaite twitchy. I'm terrified I'm going to eff it up again, just when I'm really starting to enjoy the novelty of having free movement and being able to bend down and pick something up without suddenly morphing into an 85-year-old.

Also, I'm lazy. I may have mentioned that. Once or twice.

But I feel awful and I'm tired all the time. The other day, it was pouring rain and my car was desperately in need of gas, because I wait until the gas light comes on like I'm a broke-ass 16 years old. My debit card wasn't working because they sent out these new 'chip' cards and naturally, I tossed the envelope on the kitchen table and forgot all about it and then the old one expired and yes, I know, sometimes I just fucking fail at life, okay? It's hard to be a grown-up.

Anyway. I had forty bucks in my wallet so I put forty in the tank, and went to pay, and the girl in her plexiglass booth said, "Um, you still owe me ten dollars."

Because in addition to failing at life, I also can't count. I only had THIRTY dollars. Awesome. Luckily for me, I was two blocks from home, so I jogged home through the freezing rain and then back again with my new stupid 'chip' card and paid her while she smirked.

The whole point of that little narrative is that after that short, teeny-tiny really, run, my legs were burning, and I was gasping. Hard to believe that 2 months ago I was running 4 kilometres on a regular basis.

Later that same day, as I sat on the couch with my muffin-top spilling over my jeans, encased in a bright orange shirt, my son toddled up and poked it. "Ball!" he exclaimed.

Okay, kid. I get the point.

The mosquitoes are trying to tell me something in their tiny, annoying voices. Like Fran Drescher tried, before I punched her in the throat.

Our summer has been so fucked up. All our lovely hot 30 degree* weather, which usually happens in July and August, is showing up NOW, long after everybody's gone back to school and taken their vacations from work. And where mosquitoes normally plague us in June and July, this year they're having an autumn feast.

After less than an hour in the garden yesterday, I came inside with 10 large welts. Seven of them were on my ASS.

What the fuck, mosquitoes? Is it that large of a target? No - wait - don't tell me - it's so big you got sucked into its gravitational pull?

Fucking mosquitoes.

I'm going to just assume that mosquitoes have great taste, because despite the fact that I've completely fallen off the exercise bandwagon, I still feel great, my clothes still fit (mostly) and I have a couple of fairly valid excuses as to why I'm watching said bandwagon disappear over the horizon.

Mostly, and I'll just get this out of the way right now, it's that I'm just a terrible human being who had four desserts today. But also, I had to stop running because I screwed up my back. Again.

Me and my back have a rather rocky history. It started when I was in university and I was doing a lot of pottery, and all the time spent hunched over the throwing wheel sent my (supposedly youthful and pliant) back muscles into spasm. I spent several months in physio, but it's been a bit of an albatross ever since, and it often derails my exercising efforts. One of the more memorable is pre-child, when I was playing squash daily with FoN, and while showering off after one game I innocently bent to pick up the shampoo. When I stood back up something went POP.

POP is a good sound when associated with kernels, or bubbles. Not spines. That unhappy incident introduced me to my chiropractor, with whom I am now on a first name basis.

(His name is Bill. In case you were wondering.)

So I wasn't kidding a month or so ago when I said that in order to go running, I needed to visit the chiropractor at least once a week. It was getting closer to twice a week, and it was getting kind of fucking pricey. And then it wasn't keeping the pain at bay, so I had to stop running.

I was still kind of enjoying running though**, so when I've done enough stretching and had enough visits to Bill, I keep trying again. And I then I'm reaching for the Aleve-Robaxacet cocktail, and voice-commanding my cel phone to "Call. Bill."

Anyway. I think I need to give up the marathon dream, and start looking at something that's a little more suited to my general personality. Low-impact and hippie-esh.

Yoga anyone?

*It's Celsius, I'm Canadian, just deal with it. It's about 86 F, plus.

**I know. I don't get it either.

Ain't nothin gonna break-a my stride

Wondering where the hell my HASAY updates have been for the past while? That's okay. I haven't given up. Our fearless leader has just taken the pressure off us a little by only demanding an update once a month. I know, I'd think she's getting soft too, but the leather whip and military gear say otherwise.

(Wondering what the hell HASAY even is? That's okay too. It's an online diet & fitness group spearheaded by the indomitable Casey at Half as Good as You.)

So. Update. Well, my last update was that I had started running (!) in an attempt to get into good enough shape to run a relay marathon (!!). The relay marathon seems to have fallen by the wayside, as it was led by FoN's Trainer Lady, who has apparently fallen off the face of the planet. We've sent out a search and rescue team, but it's not looking hopeful.

But I'm still running.

I run slow. I regularly choke on the dust as lithe 20-somethings pass me by, but I'm running. I'm not up to the distance I expected to be if I were still training for the marathon - I seem to have plateaued at about 4.5k - but, still. Did I mention I was running?

In order to facilitate this whole 'running' thing, because at the advanced age of 35 my body is now apparently made from eggshells overlaid with paper mache and dried flowers, this is what I have to do:

1. Hydrate. Hydrate. Keep hydrating. Preferably for up to 4 hours before actually considering running. This means I have to pee halfway through, every single time. Sometimes twice.

2. Stretch. Stretch. Stretch more. Stretch before running, after running, first thing in the morning, and before I go to bed at night. Oh! And if there happens to be a lull in activity at any other point in the day, you'd best be dropping to the floor and stretching.

3. Warm up. Walk to warm up for a ridiculous amount of time, like for long enough that any other normal person would consider it a pretty decent walk, they're good, they've exercised for the day.

4. End up visiting the chiropractor at least once a week anyway.

5. Possibly more stretching.

So, generally, I feel healthy, because I'm running every second day or so. Unfortunately I seem to have translated that into "eat whatever the hell I want because hey! I'm running aren't I?", so I've gained a few pounds. Okay, 6. But I don't really care.

I guess that's the "runner's high"?

Running through my head*

Okay. Make sure I warm up. I stretched. I hydrated. Don't eff it up now by not warming up.

Forgot my sunglasses.

"Running up the driveway doesn't count," haha, honey. I don't see YOU exercising.

Okay, really going now.

Running. Really, running? Wtf is wrong with me?

Maybe I should pretend something large and toothy is chasing me.

I wonder if I could drop kick that guy who is standing perilously close to the edge of the water without breaking stride?

Hey, this isn't so bad.

Hydrating is good, except now I have to pee. Running while having to pee? Not so good.

I wonder if I could drop kick that Canadian goose without breaking stride?

Still have to pee.

Stretching, hydrating, and warming up properly actually works! I feel like I could run forever! This is further than I've ever run before! This is great! This is - owowowowowowowow shin splint!

Well, fuck.

*Get it? Because it's about running? Right? Okay, fine, it wasn't funny. Shut up, I just went for a run. What did YOU do?

HASAY update, and some ducks

Today was supposed to be our first 'group run' (ie, 'find out how out of shape you really are') to kick off our training program for the relay marathon. However, it's been raining and close to freezing for 3 days, so it was called on account of wimpiness postponed until tomorrow.

(It's great weather, if you're a duck. Apparently the ducks got that memo, because when I got into my car this afternoon, this is what I saw:

Trust me, my lawn is not normally duck habitat.)

Anyway, I've still been hitting the treadmill and have added some cross-training courtesy of the new Wii game EA Active. It kicks Maya's butt - and mine - all over the place, and it's a lot more fun. So far the workouts lean heavily towards the leg/glute end of things, which is good, and also OW. Really, really OW. Jumping lunges? Jumping squats? Followed by more squats and oh! hey! Maybe some lunges?

I never thought I'd be begging for an ab exercise.

You're probably wondering when the 'fun' part comes in. The squats and lunges are not a party unto themselves, but they're sometimes disguised as games like inline skating, and mixed in with 'for fun' games like baseball that keep your heart rate up.

So, fitness is going well. And, uh, look! We're out of time, we can't talk about the food.

Move along, nothing to see here.