My back aches a little, Friday Fill-Ins

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1. Moving heaven and earth sounds like a lot of work. Maybe I could just move a piano for you or something.

2. If you need a piano moved, I'm free.

3. My best quality is sadly, not my ability to move pianos.

4. The planning of pranks is in the details. For instance, is that piano you're going to drop on them a baby grand or upright?

5. In nearly 10 years, I have yet to pull off a prank without maiming someone.

6. An Advil-vodka cocktail is what I need right now!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to drawing up blueprints, tomorrow my plans include a series of ropes and pulleys and Sunday, I want to perform my opus!

Want more Fill-Ins? Head over here!

I'd probably be a better conspiracy theorist if I wasn't so weird: Friday Fill-Ins

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I'm a little late today but...here we go!

1. Apparently there's some sort of conspiracy involving monkeys.

2. I'm suspicious of this sunny day. What does it want from me?

3. 2009 hasn't made any serious attempts to kill me so far.

4. For Y2K I hid under the blanket in the dark with a shotgun, but my home PC made one tiny burping noise and that was it.

5. For too long I've been locked in the darkness. Contemplating monkeys.

6. I am not obsessed with zombies; I am not! I think it's perfecting reasonable to assume that our government will soon lose control of an experimental drug that will convert 90% of the population into shambling, brain-eating corpses.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to staging a ninja style raid of several government agencies, tomorrow my plans include perusing the pictures I took and Sunday, I want to bust this monkey conspiracy thing wide open!

(Want more Friday Fill-Ins? Check it out)

Drunken superheros need tofu love too: Friday Fill-Ins

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And...here we go!

1. Join me in a toast. Oh, whoops, I started without you. Several hours ago. The bottle seems to be empty.

2. Put a little spandex in your day! Or at least a fanny pack. C'mon, you know you want to.

3. Happiness is some warm tofu. No, not to eat. I like to sit in it.*

4. I woke up pierced, tattooed, and confused.

5. I'm waiting for some kind of revelation as to what I should be when I grow up. What's that? A superhero? Okay, if you insist.

6.Tofu is hard to resist. Sitting in.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sewing my superhero outfit, tomorrow my plans include wandering around downtown looking for crime to fight and Sunday, I want to explain to my therapist why "The Tofu Avenger" sounded like a good idea at the time!

*You know, I keep waiting for an email from the creator of Friday Fill-Ins, Janet, asking me if I wouldn't mine please NOT PARTICIPATING. But it hasn't happened yet. I should probably check my spam box, I bet it's in there.

Happy Good Friday Fill-ins!

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And...here we go!

1. Anonymous...the ultimate cover name for internet asshattery.

2. "Asshattery" is a WORD, Blogger. Stop underlining it like it's not.

3. Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, I think you might taste like Jolly Ranchers.

4.Remembering what concrete looks like is what I look forward to most about Spring.

5. Who needs therapy when you've got wine?

6. Those two bottles of shiraz MUST go into the Easter Basket! (What? It's my Easter Basket to myself. You don't do that?)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to making more Easter baskets, tomorrow my plans include "coloring" some eggs (it's a euphemism, figure it out) and Sunday, I want to gorge on half-price chocolate!

I'm classy like that: Friday Fill-Ins

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And...here we go!

1. Angel or not, I will smite you where you stand! Oh, wait. That says 'angel or NOT'. I thought it said 'Angel of GOD'. Alright, never mind with the smiting then.

2.You can prepare me any way you want me. After you've killed me and stuffed me in your freezer to eat later. Which, y'know, good luck with that, because I can scream really loud and SOMEBODY is bound to notice. Also I still haven't lost enough weight to fit in a conventional freezer.

3. As my mother used to say, you're full of date pits and camel shit. *

4. I like to spit after I'm done working out or doing something strenuous. It's not really attractive after having sex.

5. Even in the most crowded of rooms silence will fall just as you announce that you're scheduled for a colonoscopy.

6. Mother's Day is a day fraught with peril. Now that I have a mother-in-LAW.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to offending co-workers, tomorrow my plans include some socially awkward moments and Sunday, I want to schedule that colonoscopy!

* Actually, what she used to say was just "you're full of shit". But she DID announce, "We're off! In a cloud of date pits and camel shit!" at the beginning of each family trip. She also used to say, "We're off like a herd of turtles". She's whacky like that.

I pretty much apologize to anybody who's ever been published: Friday Fill-Ins

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This week Janet used sentences from her favorite books. I apologize to her, and to all of the authors of those books.

And...here we go!

1. "In a hole in the ground there lived a dog. What? It was a rare subterranean species of dog. The, um, canis undergroundeous. Look, don't make it MY fault if you don't know your local flora and fauna."

2. "That may be an antiparticle, son, that may even be a positron, but that ain't no matter."

3. "After dark the rain began to fall again, and nobody really figured out why it had been hovering in midair in the first place."

4. "An enormous belch issued forth from the hold of the Spanish galleon."

5. "There was a hand in the darkness and IT WASN'T ATTACHED TO ANYTHING."

6. "Accidents ambush the unsuspecting, happy accidents usually involve the inebriated."

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to re-reading World War Z (no, not really), tomorrow my plans include re-reading Twilight (again, not really) and Sunday, I want to find a book that doesn't suck or scare the crap out of me!

Well, now you're just being gross: Friday Fill-Ins

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I got crap last week for not doing my Friday Fill-Ins. I didn't realize they were homework, ya'll. I guess I know what I'll be doing every. single. Friday. for the REST OF ETERNITY.

And...here we go!

1. Why do we have to shower when we're just going to get all nasty again?

2. Drinking out of the milk carton and eating food off the floor are now habits. I blame the toddler.

3. I have an appointment to get this seepage looked at tomorrow.

4. I had never heard the phrase "where's the beef" and it always makes me wonder if it's referring to a porno.

5. I just scratched it, the way I always do. I have no idea why it started bleeding.

6. How was I to know that busload of nuns was watching me pick my nose?

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to picking my toes, tomorrow my plans include chewing my fingernails and Sunday, I want to scratch my ass!

Friday Fill-Ins, I'm thinking of opening a surgical practice

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And...here we go!

1. Donating that kidney was my last random act of kindness. What? No, it wasn't MINE. But wasn't that nice of me anyway?

2. Another place might charge you twice what I'm asking for a skin graft. Like, TWO donkeys and a bushel of bananas.

3. I'm strictly an amateur, in matters of the heart. I mean, I can't even perform a triple bypass. Double, MAYBE.

4. Coffee, tea or doctor-recommended Red Bull?

5. I think these nerves were supposed to be on separate paths. Oops. Um, try scratching your nose for me wouldja?

6. Our nurse reminds me that there is the matter of your bill to settle before I put this lung back.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to rehearsing my speech to the jury, tomorrow my plans include defending myself during a malpractice suit and Sunday, I want to try to get my license back!

Want more Fill-Ins? Check it out.

There's no theme this week: Friday Fill-Ins

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And...here we go!

1. I'm shuckin', I'm jivin', I 'm...not really sure what either of those are.

2. Why do I have a lengthy list of things that should be possessed by me and not one single winning lottery ticket?

3. How does this washing machine work, anyway?

4. Every morning, I put a funny hat on my dog. Then I take a picture. Yeah, she's on medication.

5. I consider myself lucky because apparently if you shove a horseshoe up your ass that makes you "lucky". Um, not that I did that. Don't be silly.

6. One day we’ll see whether or not Christians are right or whether they should have gone with polytheism and covered more of their bases.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching my blog stats fall as the Christian population leaves in disgust, tomorrow my plans include mollifying the Christian population and Sunday, I want to start going to church! No, really....

(Want more Friday Fill-Ins? Check it out!)

(Also, humour me and take the poll in the first sidebar. No, over there. To your right! Over THERE --------------->

Sheesh)

Friday Fill-Ins, the Love You til Death Do Us Part edition

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And...here we go!

1. It seems like it should be easier to hit someone with a shotgun.

2. Wipe your feet when you're done digging your own grave, please?

3. If I thought you wouldn't try to crawl away, I'd take the duct tape off!

4. Formaldehyde is what I think of most when I think of you. Really, they need to market a scentless variety.

5. To me, Valentine's Day means cleaning your shackles without being asked.

6. The loving light in your eyes gives me strength. But I should probably stop leaving my flashlight there.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a quiet night on the couch with you, tomorrow my plans include scrubbing embalming fluid out of the couch, and Sunday, I want to go antiquing!

(What? That last one was too much, wasn't it?)

(This is the part where hubby rolls his eyes at me. And I hand them back and tell him to stop teasing the dog.)

(Ha! Just kidding, honey. You can do whatever you want with your eyes. Happy Valentine's Day!)

Friday Fill-ins, Zombie edition

Questions courtesy of YellowRose this week! And...here we go!

1. Please don't tell my boss I'm blogging at work because I'm actually pretty busy and can't spare the time.

2. Can you function in the morning? I can't. Though I've apparently managed to fool people for years.

3. The color teal makes me want to curl up into a retro-induced coma and whimper!

4. I have a craving for raw fish laid over cold rice. Yeah, sounds gross when you put it like that.

5. If my life had a pause button, I'd pause it every time my son gave me a hug. What? I can be sappy too. Shut up.

6. Eyes are the tastiest part of the body. According to zombies. I imagine.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to stockpiling canned goods for the upcoming zombie apocalypse, tomorrow my plans include reinforcing my windows and installing razor wire, and Sunday, I want to laugh at you fools who didn't prepare!

(Want more Friday Fill-Ins? Go here)
(Want someone to blame for the zombie fixation? Talk to Becky from Suburban Matron, who suggested I read World War Z.)
(And OMG they're making a movie. I'm shaking already)

Friday Fill-Ins, please don't call the authorities because I'm mostly joking. Mostly.

And...here we go!

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1. I'd really like my personal waiter to show up with my drink right now.

2. "Oh my, that stings" is the word you'd most often hear me say if I stubbed my toe. Seriously. I have no fucking idea how I got nominated for "Best Use of a Cuss Word" over at Mom Dot. Nor do I think you should go vote for me, because clearly I do not belong there.

3. Possession is a good way to end up doing community service. Or to make friends.

4. I maybe had a teensy crush on Captain Jack Sparrow when the first movie came out, but I'm so over him. Really.

(Call me, Cap'n Jack!)

5. Marshmallows and fire go together like most things and fire, with the burning and the screaming and the melting. And the tastiness afterwards.

6. Please stop me, or I'll just go on and on.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to toasting some marshmallows or possibly some arson, tomorrow my plans include posting bail and Sunday, I want to celebrate my freedom!

Friday Fill-ins, you'll be assuming I'm a drunken sot by now

And...here we go!

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1. Oh, I am so gassy!

2.Nature abhors changes, big and little. Oh, wait, that's a vacuum. (My dog doesn't like the vacuum much either.)

3. During work, I try really hard to resist the urge to check for comments on my blog. Actually, the same could be said for pretty much everything else. Except maybe sex. Checking for comments rarely occurs to me during sex.

4. Please gawd no; are you kidding me???

5. Right now I'd like to be drinking wine, but I forgot to go to the liquor store. Where the hell are my priorities??

6. The wine opener is my favorite gadget. Without it I'd probably resort to a hammer. Glass shards and shiraz rarely mix.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to buying out the liquor store, tomorrow my plans include checking to see if they restocked and Sunday, I want to lie motionless on the couch until my stomach unties itself!

Friday Fill-Ins, you'll have to make do with this until Sunday

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1. Enough with the fucking forty degrees below zero already, I can't even get frisky with my husband without making him warm his hands up for 15 minutes, and I'm pretty sure I'll never feel my toes again in this lifetime. We'll be reunited in the afterlife (me and my toes. Not me and my husband. Well, probably us too, but that's getting a little existential for a Friday).

2. Hearing stuff I'm not supposed to know or repeat causes me to be conflicted.

3. I've been craving pretty much anything bad for me.

4. This makes me laugh. And cringe a lot. And make me so, so proud to be an art school graduate.

5. I wish I could go to the spa next week. Or Hell. I hear it's at least warm there.

6. My friend Heidi has been on my mind lately.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner with my parents, tomorrow my plans include bashing my novel into shape while my parents generously babysit and Sunday, I want to play squash!

Oh, wait, no I don't. I want to eat a sickening brunch with waffles and lots of syrup. But I'm going to play squash.

Friday Fill-Ins, for the first time

Found this over here. LOVE IT when people do half the work for me.

Erm, I mean, how inspirational....

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1. The world is probably not as round as everybody keeps saying. I mean, there are phrases like "the four corners of the earth", so I bet part of it is square. Or maybe rhombus shaped. (Okay, I just wanted to say 'rhombus').

2. "What, that's it?" was the last thing I said.

3. I wonder if that sour cream was past its expiry date. Or if it just tasted like ass because it was fat-free.

4. There is a tiny wizened merchant named Phil at the end of all things.

5. There's something to be said for not having to leave the house during a blizzard.

6. Jamaica, Cuba, Hawaii or possibly Fiji is where I want to be. Can you be in all of those places at once or would it become redundant?

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleeping, tomorrow my plans include probably not leaving the house and Sunday, I want to continue not leaving the house!

Except I'm supposed to go to the gym tomorrow. Ah, crap. Shouldn't there be exceptions when there's 2 new feet of snow outside?

(ETA: omfg I'm an idiot. Just posted this accidentally to A Letter to Xander. What is my problem lately??)

(Oh, rriiiigggghhhtt - the WINE)