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    Wednesday
    Jan072009

    How to eat for free (if you're an asshat)

    Dear Old Screechy Hag Women Seated One Booth Away,

    I understand that your meals didn't turn out as you requested. Really, I know the disappointment. But it's one thing to have specific preferences, it's quite another to expect five-star dining from a place that specializes in five-dollar breakfasts.

    I mean, look around. Are the words "greasy spoon" ringing any bells? Also, did you notice that it's BUSY?

    I'm sorry that the kitchen didn't manage to produce your "well-done toast, extra-crispy bacon, half-scrambled eggs half-over easy" order to perfection. But to send it back, have it redone, while the other person waits for you and then complain that the other meal is cold seems a little, well, STUPID.

    And then to have your entire meal comped, and be offered free dessert, only to pronounce it "HORRIBLE" so loudly the poor server actually takes a step back? YOU REJECT FREE DESSERT? I mean, you had minor sympathy from me up until then. But that's just plain wrong.

    And then - then! - when the server who is clearly wishing she called in sick today goes and gets you "fresher" dessert, you mutter to each other about how one piece is taller than the other?

    Can I speak with YOUR manager? Because I'd like to lodge a complaint. Your excessive complaining totally fucking ruined my dining experience.

    Thanks,

    The Woman Quietly Glaring One Booth Over

    Tuesday
    Jan062009

    Body Snatchers and the Impending Apocalypse: Random Tuesday Thoughts

    randomtuesday

    I can't believe it's been a week. How time flies when you're stuck in a small town. Doing nothing. At all.

    Anyway...

    I looked into the vegetable crisper this afternoon and saw what I thought was an orange. It looked a little dilapidated. Then I realized it was actually a tomato of the orange-skinned variety. You know, the kind I grew in my garden this summer?

    Yeah. That's how long it's been sitting there. I didn't want to touch it in case it had become sentient and touching it would compromise its structural integrity, releasing the spores of a new, mind-controlling, life form into the air. So, naturally, I made hubby do it.

    He seems fine so far. I'll check the back of his neck for any tell-tale Body Snatcher marks later.

    Tonight the dog rejected her dinner. I'm pretty sure that's like, the third sign of the impending apocalypse or something. Right after I write this post, I'm going to stockpile canned food and guns.

    The guns might be hard to come by, but you don't ignore signs like that.

    I don't think I'm going to spend much time on Twitter anymore. It's kind of fun, but the other night something happened that is still bothering me. Mostly because I don't know how to feel about it. Someone tweeted something about their child that I personally interpreted as a very frustrated mother venting (on the internet..shouting into the wind...where it BELONGS), but someone else became concerned with it. That someone else retweeted it to their (considerably more) followers, and someone took it upon themselves to call the authorities. The tired and frustrated mother ended up with a police visit.

    I don't know about your area, but even the most baseless allegation here can cause miles of red tape and investigations. Obviously the person was just concerned for the child, and I get that. But you don't KNOW anybody over the internet, MUCH LESS in the 165 characters that Twitter allots you. At least if I write something here in the blog that inspires someone to call the authorities on me, it'd be in context - y'know?

    Also, with the phishing scam I'm terrified someone will hack my account and tell the world I secretly pick my nose.

    Not that I DO that, of course. It would all be lies. I don't know what made me think of that, it was just off the top of my nose. Er, my head! Off the top of my head.

    No, I don't know why I sound nasal. Look, you don't know me, okay??

    This whole "no snacking" thing SUCKS. I caught myself with a handful of Goldfish halfway to my mouth at least twice today (the crackers, not the actual fish. But, yum, SUSHI....).

    I think hubby wants sex. So, gotta go.

    ...out.

    HA!

    Just kidding. I should really check him for Tomato Body Snatcher marks, though, because sex with a tentacled alien sounds...well, kind of kinky, but y'know, unfaithful too. Even if it IS his body.

    Is this one of those days I should have stopped while I was ahead?

    Probably. Too late! Your turn! Grab the button, write a random post, and leave a comment so I can link you up!

    And the wayward for the week are:

    1. Casey at Half As Good As You (the Pissed Off and Hilarious edition)

    2. Julie at Cool Mom Guide (I heart her too!)

    3. Michelle at Michelle's Blog (who shouldn't worry so much!)

    4. Kelly at Per Se (Wiener dogs: always good blog fodder)

    5. Tiffany at My Random Wisdom (indulging like the rest of us!)

    6. Ginny Marie at Lemon Drop Pie (um, missed that earlier Ginny Marie, so sorry! You know I love ya!)

    7. FoN at Kids and Daiquiris (she was busy actually USING her brain)

    8. Jonny's Mommy at Boondock Ramblings (who I also missed, gah, I just suck this week)

    Monday
    Jan052009

    4 pictures that pretty much sum up my New Years Eve

    So after whining so much about going off to hubby's hometown for New Years, you didn't think I'd skip blogging about it, did you? Well actually the trip turned out to be rather pleasant. And we did go out with his sister & BIL for a New Years Eve dinner which, while providing a great steak and some great conversation, had a distinctly small-town flair to it. Here's four pictures that sum up how:

    1. If "Leesa" is indeed her real name.

    2. As this was explained to me: They open a bag of Doritos. Throw in some ground beef, salsa & sour cream and shake it up. Then they hand it to you, breaking all kinds of health regulations in the process, I'm sure. Nom nom nom *gag*

    3. Um, yeah.

    4. Note to Self, if Self ever gets the bright idea to open a bar in a small town: If your patrons feel they have a personal relationship with their Video Lottery Terminals, they may be inclined to gamble more. You know, to show their new friends "a good time". Use handmade signs for that personal touch.

    ...that was all. We were home by 8:30. But it WAS good steak.

    Sunday
    Jan042009

    You know that book I was going to write? Yeah, this isn't it

    So, this isn't so much a HASAY update as a refined plan, because I was stuck at the inlaws all last week. And I totally got a pass from Casey for that. And, to be honest, I wasn't THAT bad. Unless you count the massive Christmas dinner and the whipping cream in my daily cup(s) of coffee because everyone else drinks it black and that's all they had.

    Okay, okay, you're right. I should probably count that.

    I've decided that there just isn't any way I'm going to stick to the Weight Watchers thing this time around. It's just TOO MUCH WORK. And then there's the starving. I don't like that part. So I've created a new plan of attack, which I refer to as "The Gee It's Pretty Fucking Obvious But It's Not In A Book Anywhere So It Doesn't Feel Legitimate Somehow Plan".

    (Henceforth just known as "The Plan").

    Here's The Plan:

    1. NO snacking.
    2. ONE sweet or junky thing per day (but the sweet is my weakness so that's what I'll focus on). It can be sugar in my coffee or a big honking piece of cheesecake, but if I already put sugar in my coffee that morning, no cheesecake for me!
    3. GO TO THE GYM. But even before that, try to work out with friends, because I'm far more likely to follow through if someone's expecting me to show up. *

    See? Not hard. I could write a book.

    It just wouldn't be very long.

    What worked for me last time was to reward myself at milestones. I got myself things that I probably would have bought anyway, but this way I could feel all virtuous about it. You know, like for sticking to the Plan for two weeks I get new workout gear, for losing 5 lbs I get a new laptop bag. For hitting my goal I get a new pair of Sevens.

    I should get something just for coming up with this plan in the first place, now that I think about it.

    Ah, retail therapy. A balm for my girthy soul.

    *(Oh, and I think I'm going to do a six-week boot camp with my friend FoN. That may help).

    Friday
    Jan022009

    Friday Fill-Ins, for the first time

    Found this over here. LOVE IT when people do half the work for me.

    Erm, I mean, how inspirational....

    fridayfillin.gif

    1. The world is probably not as round as everybody keeps saying. I mean, there are phrases like "the four corners of the earth", so I bet part of it is square. Or maybe rhombus shaped. (Okay, I just wanted to say 'rhombus').

    2. "What, that's it?" was the last thing I said.

    3. I wonder if that sour cream was past its expiry date. Or if it just tasted like ass because it was fat-free.

    4. There is a tiny wizened merchant named Phil at the end of all things.

    5. There's something to be said for not having to leave the house during a blizzard.

    6. Jamaica, Cuba, Hawaii or possibly Fiji is where I want to be. Can you be in all of those places at once or would it become redundant?

    7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleeping, tomorrow my plans include probably not leaving the house and Sunday, I want to continue not leaving the house!

    Except I'm supposed to go to the gym tomorrow. Ah, crap. Shouldn't there be exceptions when there's 2 new feet of snow outside?

    (ETA: omfg I'm an idiot. Just posted this accidentally to A Letter to Xander. What is my problem lately??)

    (Oh, rriiiigggghhhtt - the WINE)