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    Make it stop

    For some reason, winter is still here.

    It's really pulling out all the stops this year, showing up early, staying late, breaking records. It's like the model employee that you can't fucking stand.

    That's an assload of snow.I'm trying to stay positive about it - it will go away eventually! Maybe I can try to grow rice this year! - but I'm starting to get a little bitter. Seriously, enough already. You win, winter. You broke me.

    I mean, look at me - I'm blogging about the weather. 

    That is just...sad.


    Jesus Snail

    A while back we bought two of those snails for the 5-year-old's fish tank. You know, the kind that eat the algae so you can be lazy and never clean the fish tank? Anyway, they cleaned the tank all spiffy and then promptly keeled over and died. Because I'm lazy (see previous buying-of-snails-to-avoid-cleaning-the-fish-tank statement) and my child is very watchful of my activities in his room, I didn't quite get around to scooping them out and flushing them to Fishy Heaven. A few days later I had this text conversation with Alfred:

    Me: Holy shit, one of these snails just rose from the dead!

    Alfred: ?

    Me: I'm going to name him Jesus.

    Alfred: Why not Zombie Snail?

    Me: "Aaaah! It's eating my brains! Slowly! Vverrrrry slooowwwwllly!"

    Me: Doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

    Alfred: Fair enough.

    Me: If the other one ressurrects, we can name HIM Zombie Snail. This one is Jesus.

    Alfred: Please don't tell my mother we're having this conversation.

    Me: I'm not promising anything.


    (In retrospect, the snails probably play dead when their food supply runs out and let the "current" carry them somewhere else. Although the second snail never did rise from its watery grave.)

    (It's still in there though. I think the fish ate it.)

    (Fish are so weird.)


    Things I keep doing for no apparent gain

    1. Buying green onions. I don't eat green onions. Nobody in our family eats green onions. Yet, I keep buying them on the off chance we're going to make something that requires green onions.

    2. Taking the stubs of the green onions and putting them in water so that they will grow again, after they've gone all gross and mushy because we haven't used them. Then they grow and...become all gross and mushy. 

    3. Checking in on Foursquare. I don't know. What's the point of this? I don't have anyone on there to really compete with. It's pretty boring. And yet...I keep doing it.

    4. Freezing chicken carcasses. My intention is to make chicken stock. I mean, I did that once. Now there are approximately 37 freezer-burnt chicken carcasses awaiting the next time I am possessed by Suzy Homemaker. I exorcised that bitch, this seems unlikely to come to pass.  (See also: freezing old bananas.)

    5. Charging and/or synching my iPod. I don't seem to use my iPod. I use my phone for tunes and my tablet for other stuff. I charge the iPod, leave it lying around, it dies, I charge it. It's the circle of life.

    Everything else I do seems to produce some net gain for me (even the ones that don't feel like they do, like laundry and feeding the dog).

    I guess that's not such a bad ratio.



    I hereby Resolve to resolve something. Next year.

    Happy New Year. Did you have a good holiday season?

    (Mine was...not so great. Remember how I said I was getting along with my MIL? Well, I think she took that as a challenge. Worst trip to Hellville, ever. Then we all got sick. I spent Christmas Day shaking with fever and the next few days moving from the bed to the couch, leaving a trail of used tissues in my wake. So did the rest of the family, which made it difficult to whine. Or nap.)

    (We'll just have a do-over next year.)

    I hate feeling obliged to make Resolutions, but I also always feel like I should be starting new things or somehow improving myself in January. I think I did pretty well today by not snarking at all the brand-new gym-goers (that will be MIA by February), but I could probably do better.

    I could blog more, for instance.

    What about you? Do you make Resolutions?


    Under where?

    Last week the MIL stayed with us, because she had a day surgery test and she wasn’t allowed to drive afterwards (the test was negative, no need to worry).

    I must be totally mellowing in my old age, because her visit was sort of a welcome change of pace. My kid was ecstatic, Alfred was happy. It was actually…enjoyable.

    (No, I won’t share my meds, sorry.)

    Anyway, during her stay, she was supposed to be resting, recovering and not doing much of anything, so naturally that meant she was hauling and folding my laundry. She threw out half of Alfred’s holey socks and then tsk’ed over the sorry state of his undies.

    “I guess I’ll have to buy him some,” she said.

    And I replied, without a trace of bitterness or annoyance, “Please do!”

    There was a time that her statement would have set me on edge, overly sensitive to the implication that I was not doing my job or taking care of Alfred properly. I have since realized that I am not That Person, the person who keeps tabs on her husband’s underwear situation.

    Because, I’m sorry, but he’s a grown adult. He has a job and a mortgage and occasionally gets the oil changed in the car. He’s perfectly fucking capable of replacing his own ratty undies. And socks, for that matter.

    He doesn’t, very often, but he’s capable of it.

    So while I have bought him underwear (when he’s requested it), and sometimes when I do laundry I look askance at the specimens that are older than our relationship, I just can’t bring myself to maintain the quality of his collection on an ongoing basis. Call it a wifely failing, but that’s just not who I am. Albeit misguided, I expect grownups to take care of that shit on their own.

    And if that means waiting until their mother does it, well…whatever.

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