Gulp

I said I would, and I did. I somehow cobbled together a half-assed plot out of "space" "rockband" and "orphan", and I even did it when I would said I would, and then I started writing.

So, um. The first chapter is up there, on the right, under "Next Big Thing". 

(I'm just calling it that because of my habit of moving on to the Next Big Thing, not because I actually think it's going to be the Next Big Thing. What I think it's going to be is mediocre but hopefully somewhat entertaining. Aim high!)

You can read it if you want. Please criticize, that's why I'm doing this. (But I've already written the outline and drafts of the next two chapters, so if your criticism is "Why the fuck is he in a rock band?" I'm probably going to ignore you.)

Clean Slate

I'm always looking for the Next Big Thing. I'm sure that Alfred is really tired of trying to keep up with my hobbies, because just when he's got one figured out and bought me a related Christmas present, I've already decided that I'm done with that and oooooh, that other thing looks exciting!

In just the last year I've toyed with archery, yoga, knitting, and coding.

(Anybody want a recurve bow and some arrows?)

One thing I always come back to is writing. At least, in my head.

One day I'll write a book. I just have to have some mental head space. I just need my kid to be a little bit more independent. I just need inspiration. I just need a physical space that's just for me. I wish we lived closer to a coffee shop. I just have to lose 10 lbs because then I can use the time I exercise for writing instead.

That last one is super logical, huh?

These are the things we tell ourselves, while other people are telling us, hey, just write. Start writing. Writers write. 

For some reason today was the day I decided I was just going to do that. In July, I will write a short book. Ish. Type of thing.

I'm not going to question it, I'm just going to run with it.

I still didn't have any inspiration so I just wrote down all the things I like to read stories about on scraps of paper, and chucked them into a hat. Shamefully, what I most like to read is YA fiction so there were a lot of... interesting... things in there. I asked my 7 year old to pull out three of the scraps.

 

 

Holy shit, he fucking sucks at this.  I mean, there were werewolves and pirates and Ancient Egypt in there. 

Well, whatever. That's what I'll write about. I guess. And in the interest of being accountable, I'll post it in all it's awful glory here. Aren't you excited?

Yeah, I have a stomach full of dread too.

 

Do you ever continue to do something that by all logic, you should have quit a long time ago?

Oh hai! How's it going with you? Good to here. How's it been going over here? Good, I guess. There has been Stuff happening, although it seems to happen at a rate that I can't blog about it. And then 5 minutes later it doesn't seem blog-worthy anyway. But I'm sure there has been Stuff.

All those spammy comments on my blog, for one thing. I get email notifications and think, "Oh, I should delete that Stuff," and then promptly forget 20 seconds later. 

(Apparently I've turned into a goldfish?)

And, I don't know, other Stuff. I can't think of it right now. I'm running again, now that there's no roller derby, and I've just completed the C25K program. Go me! I can maintain running a few times a week as long as I pay attention to my form, stretch extensively and roll out muscle tightness, go for a massage once a week, and now that I've written that all out I realize how insane it sounds. 

To make it crazier I'm getting up super early to run. Voluntarily. Without an alarm. I mean, I like a lot of things about running early in the morning. I get my workout out of the way for the day, I can have a shower immediately afterwards so I'm not stinky for too long, I don't feel guilty about bacon, I feel like I accomplished something. I occasionally get impressive views:

The mist rising off the lake made it look like King Arthur was going to come riding along. It's cooler in the morning, and I think I get that "runner's high". There are a couple of things I don't like about getting up early to run, though:

1. Running.

2. Getting up early.

I'm a study in conflict.

What kind of Stuff have you guys been up to?

This post is about childhood dreams and also apparently about how Canadian I am.

When I was a kid, I desperately wanted an Easy Bake Oven.

I’m not even sure how I discovered that they exist. We didn’t watch much television; we had what I, later in life, lovingly referred to as “PeasantVision” – the 3 channels you could pick up with rabbit ears. One of which was in French.

We were allowed to watch some Saturday morning cartoons, if CBC chose to show some. They were often pre-empted by hockey, or the Olympics, or news about farming, or Stompin’ Tom Conners. You know, whatever the CBC thought was important at the time. I don’t remember Saturday morning cartoons as any kind of reliable feature of my childhood landscape.

Sunday evenings, however, we religiously tuned in to watch The Wonderful World of Disney, and the Beachcombers. Then it was bath and bed and start our week back at the one-room log schoolhouse with our spinster schoolteacher.

(Or that’s how I just realized I was making it sound.)

Anyway, I’m pretty sure there was never any advertisements for Easy Bake Ovens, so for once television is not to blame.

And I know that I didn’t have any friends that had Easy Bake Ovens, because I wasn’t sure exactly how they operated. I didn’t realize that in actuality they used a crappy 40-watt light bulb to harden chemically powders into something resembling brownies. In my head, an Easy Bake Oven would sit in the corner of my room, and I could close the door to my room and it would produce wonderful-smelling, sugary baked treats on demand that were mine, all mine.

It’s possible that I was a bit deprived of sugar as a child, too.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think the culprit was the Consumers Distributing catalog, or possibly the Sears catalog. I wasted many pleasurable hours flipping through those two bibles of childhood, coveting things that had no real purpose and were probably cheap plastic but were wondrous to me.

(Also, wondering what the hell a Personal Massager was, why it was shaped like a cucumber and why the lady in the picture was holding it against her face and looking agonized.)

The Easy Bake Oven was at the top of my wish list, followed closely by a Cabbage Patch Doll (a girl, not a boy, and when I got her I would send away my certificate to rename her Sally Rainbow). The Cabbage Patch Doll never materialized because they were insanely hard to get, but the Easy Bake Oven never became mine either. In retrospect I’m sure it had to do with not encouraging traditionally ‘female’ roles, not filling me with unauthorized sugar/chemicals, and the fact that I’d probably lose interest in it in about 3 minutes, blah blah. Parenting logic that I now, sadly, understand.

But oh…how I wanted that oven.

I wonder if they still make them?

 

(Edit: Oh. My. God.)

(AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.)

Write what you know

The other day my mother forwarded me some Writer's Guild stuff. "You should consider submitting something," she wrote. "And write more. You're SUCH a good writer."

I think she's a little biased, being my mom and all. I mean, I notice this myself; I congratulate my kid on being SO AWESOME at something when what I'm really complimenting is his progress, not necessarily his skill from an objective perspective. He's 6, so that's acceptable. My mom has been reading my stuff since I was an angsty teenager, so she's seen a fair bit of improvement...but that doesn't make me Shakespeare.

But, I think about it a lot. I want to write, I replied. But I don't have time, I'm busy, my head is crowded. In a year maybe, when this thing is done, when that thing is done. When my kid is in high school, when I can take time off, when I'm retired.

You know the drill.

My mom responded with an oft-cited nugget of wisdom from a local writer: Just write 15 minutes a day, she said. Commit to that 15 minutes, that's all, but maybe sometimes you'll write more.

I want to write, I said again, but I don't know what to write. I need mental white space to come up with ideas. I need less stress, more time. My 15 minutes of writing would be nothing but complaining and crappy haikus. What would I write?

Write what you know, she said promptly. Finish the complaining and then write what you know.

(My mom can be really annoying when I'm trying to be lazy.)

Okay. Write what you know. So I'm writing what I know....which is writing about not writing.

Again.

And now the Van Halen song is in your head too

Remember how I said Mother Nature is taking my simple purchase of a proper coat as a personal challenge? Yeah, that hasn't let up. I think everyone is getting hammered with it. They're calling it an arctic vortex, which sounds pretty doom and gloom. As if we weren't depressed enough about living in darkness and having to wear long underwear everywhere.

I mean, that shit flatters no one.

But with excellent timing, I have planned a trip in a few weeks to Panama. Where it's really warm, I hear.

I'm going with my cohorts from high school, the Four Horsewomen of the Wine-Induced Apocalypse. Except we're losing a Horsewoman, so there's only three, but I'm pretty sure that's enough for a few apocalypses.

We all turn the same age within about a year and a half. When we turned 30, we did something special for each person's birthday. We went on road trips, we went to the spa. I am the last one to celebrate, so my friends were out of ideas and just rented a limo and tried to kill me with liquor.

Speaking of apocalypses.

This time we figured we'd just do one BIG trip, and hopefully the liquor assassination attempts would all be mutual. Originally we thought Costa Rica, which got nixed due to finances, and after a lot of 'reply all' email chains we settled on Panama. Which has spiders, but I'm willing to overlook them if my friends are willing to stand between them and me.

They promised me they were. That's true friendship, folks.

I've traveled a fair bit in the past couple of years but rarely for pure pleasure, and I have suffered through every single bone ass cold January here since moving home from Vancouver over 15 years ago. So a hot weather vacation is due. I even bought a new bathing suit that makes me look like a super hero.

A slightly pudgy super hero, but hollywood is totally ripe for one of those, amirite?

Omg, it's going to be so fun. Sun, sand, booze, water, booze, two recently divorced friends.

What could possibly go wrong?

 

Touche. Bitch.

Last winter was fucking miserable.

We got so much snow that when this winter began, the dump site from snow removal still had snow from last year. I am not even making this up. There were giant piles of snow that survived all goddamn summer.

I'm pretty sure that's how Ice Ages get started.

Anyway, for someone who lives in a province where it gets really fucking cold, every single year, and who has lived there the majority of her life, I am woefully underprepared. I own but one pair of long underwear, stolen inherited from my mother, and one pair of gloves that would keep my hands warm longer than 20 seconds. I have coats which, on a scale of 1-10 for protecting against the elements, rate a "WTF". My boots are fashionable but wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice a toe to frostbite.

I really don't know how I've survived this long. It certainly explains why I bitch so much.

So this year I declared my intent to buy a big, fuck-off-mother-nature, down-filled full length coat. And a pair of giant boots made from animals that had sacrificed their lives to keep my feet warm. Neither of these things is a thrifty endeavour, but I was determined to just make the investment and be warm for once.

"You know," my mom said when I told her my plan, "That pretty much guarantees we'll have the warmest winter on record."

"I know," I gloated. If my life has taught me anything, it's that things always work like that for me. (And, apparently, my mom, since she was familiar with the phenomenon.) Get prepared for once? Totally unnecessary. Unprepared as usual? Here's 16 feet of snow. 

I was ready to tell everyone, you're welcome. I bought my coat and boots and some extra mitts and made a "bring it" hand gesture towards Winter.

That was kind of stupid. It's been at least as cold as -20C (-4F for you 'merican folks) ever since. Mostly -40 with the wind chill. 

(To everyone: I am so sorry. So, so sorry.)

Occasionally it warms up abruptly for a day, I'm pretty sure only because it has a debilitating effect on my sinuses. 

You know, so I have something ELSE to bitch about for a while.

Christmas rambling, are you listening?

And then she disappeared again! No, not really, I still feel like I have teh thingz to say. I don't know what those things are, but the urge to blog has not yet left me.

But Alfred has been stealing my laptop to play Everquest. This is due to a) his apparent lack of awareness of improvements in gaming in the last 15 years and b) he recently quit wrestling so doesn't have to go to practice any more.

No more derby, no more wrestling. We're fickle in our commitments around the Un Mom household.

Anyway, far be it from me to deny him some solace in reminiscing around an elven campfire.

So are you ready for Christmas? I feel like we've entered that very weird time of year, where things at work slow down enough that I feel relaxed, but yet still have this impending sense of doom about other things. I don't know why, I do not go "all out" for the holidays, but I usually feel angsty all December. I have things! To do! But not really because I've never done them and I'm not doing them this year!

I don't do a big dinner, for instance, or have parties or do a lot of baking or even buy gifts for anybody other than my immediate family.

Well, and the cleaner. And something for the inlaws. And I guess I should get something for the teacher this year, that's a thing now that we're into grade 1.

Maybe something small for my co-workers.

Aaaaannnd I think we just identified the source of my angst.

My tree also gets me a little worked up. When I was a kid, we had the same decorations every year, and they all had a story behind them or were handcrafted by my mother or were otherwise meaningful in some way, and the lights were all mismatched and it was a glorious glittery tree of chaos. We had a moldy lump of playdoh in a vague reindeer shape that my brother made in kindergarten residing under the tree until I was in my 20s.

My Christmas trees, on the other hand, have a different color theme every year. It started out as a few different sets of ornaments that I rotated, but now I basically buy brand new decorations each time. We do have some meaningful ornaments, some that were given to us or that we made, and I will put those on the tree.

If they match the color theme.

(This year is turquoise and lime green. In case you were wondering.)

I don't know why I do this, other than it allows me the thrill of purchasing new ornaments every year, under the guise of being completely insane. Every year I spend about 3 weeks before we buy the tree wringing my hands and haunting the Christmas aisles of major retailers, looking for my chosen colors. At least this year I chose a popular color - the year I decided to go with blue and gunmetal gray, I lost a lot of hair.

(Getting the actual tree part is up to Alfred, and I don't get overwrought about that. Maybe as my disease progresses, I'll care more about the perfection and fluffiness of the tree, but for now I don't care how spindly and and lopsided it is, as long as I can cover it in the correct color of glitter.)

The actual decoration of the tree I try to make as delightful and festive as I remember it from my childhood, but in truth I grit my teeth a lot and Alfred is extra cautious around me. I think the 6 year old still enjoys himself during decorating, and hasn't noticed what a crazy person his mother is yet, so that's good. Maybe next year I'll pre-load with nog so that I'm not such a bitch.

I'd post a picture of the tree, which went up last weekend, but. Um. I need to get a few more turquoise and green decorations. It's not finished.

[twitch]

I know I'm not the only nutjob during the month of December - what gets you all in a lather? Inlaws? Cooking? Wrapping? People who don't say Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas or Happy Hannukah or Happy Kwanzaa or maybe they DO say those things but whatever they say, it's not what you'd prefer?

Merry Ho Ho, by the way.

 

 



This is why I don't socialize often

This week is full of Lunches. Does this happen to you? You can go for a month just eating your salad in the lunch room or occasionally popping out to the mall, and then all of a sudden all the "we should do lunch!" conversations you've had in the last few weeks align like the stars and you're booked solid.

Although, my lunch date yesterday was with my Mom, so I'm not sure if that earns me popularity points. But she did bring me presents - some random stuff from my Grandma's house, which everybody has been spending the past 6 months cleaning and organizing.

(My grandma lived in a 5-bedroom, 4-level split for over 50 years, the last 40 of them by herself, before going to a home. Why the hell would she throw stuff out? She had closet space to beat the band.)

The bag had some tea (unopened), a couple of christmas ornaments, and what looked like a dead squirrel.

"Um." I pointed to it. My mom isn't in the habit of gifting me with dead squirrels, although since she's basically an older version of me I wouldn't put it past her.

"Um, yes. We found that. Your grandma still had it." 

I inspected it more closely and realized what it was. My hair. From when I was 9 years old and decided to chop it all off. My grandma was so distraught at the thought of her only granddaughter cutting her long locks that she asked to keep it.

Probably nobody thought she would keep it for THIRTY YEARS.

 

(The note says: "Nov 10 - 1983, Keely's ponytail after having her hair cut she saved it for me". Then she initialed it. I'm not sure who exactly she was keeping a record for, but it's kind of charming, in a "one day this will all be dust in the wind so better write it down" kind of way.)

"Why would you think I'd want it?" I asked mom.

"I don't know, I didn't know what else to do with it," she replied.

(Well, neither do I. Does anybody know if Locks of Love accepts 30-year-old hair?)

The dead squirrel sat on the chair next to me until the conclusion of our viet-thai food lunch, at which point my fortune cookie told me, "That recurring dream you keep having? It is your destiny."

I only have one recurring dream. It's the one about the zombie apocalypse. 

So yeah. Here's hoping tomorrow's lunch date is less...weird.

What's on your agenda?

Too bad nobody in marketing ever asks me

I've been sick for a few days, as is customary at this time of year. When I was about halfway through the industrial-sized bag of Halls, I realized that there were tiny slogans printed on the wrappers. Things like, "Nothing you can't handle" and "Be unstoppable" and "Don't try harder, DO harder!".

(What does that even mean?)

While I appreciate my pseudo-medication essentially telling me I'm being a big whiner and to suck it up, what I would appreciate more when I am sick is a little comfort. Possibly wrappers that say things like, "I've called your mom, she's on her way" and "You're clearly ill, it's totally okay to stay at home with a hot water bottle and stream an entire season of Doctor Who on Netflix". 

Or even, "I heard that cute guy in Accounting thinks crusty noses and used kleenexes are totally hot."

Is that so much to ask? Cut me some slack - I'm sick, you know.

Random Bits & Bobs

In French, as in English, there are homonyms. The word avocat, for example, means both "avocado" and "lawyer". We can thank the Canadian government ruling that everything be labeled in both languages for my recent revelation that I have been moisturizing my face with Lawyer Oil.

Oooh, greasy.

I treated myself to a Wacom tablet a while back. I've been coveting one for years. Also, I felt that the reason I was not drawing very much was that I was awkwardly sketching comics on paper, and then scanning them into the computer, and then inking and coloring them digitally. Wouldn't it be ever so much more convenient if I could draw them digitally to begin with? Wouldn't I draw so much more?

I've had it 5 months and drawn with it twice. Clearly "convenience" is not the reason I don't draw much.

"Mom, if a bear eats a whole fox, that means it's his birthday." - my enigmatic 5 year old, completely out of the blue.

 

One of these days I'll promise to blog every day but today is not that day.

 

There's always an exception

The day after I blogged for the first time in ages, a co-worker said to me,

"I read your blog."

I froze. Oh. Right. This was part of the reason that I eased away from blogging. Because there is only so much material that a person is comfortable posting and subsequently having brought up during a coffee break. I'm trying to be a professional here and all.

"Oh." I said cautiously.

"Actually, like 5 pages of it," he continued. "I especially liked Jesus Snail."

I un-froze slightly. I don't know why I worry about this. My co-workers are awesome. They're not going to be offended. I'm always going to live in fear of my mother-in-law finding my blog, but I guess I don't care if my co-workers read it.

Another co-worker overheard this exchange and demanded the link. Which I happily gave her. Apparently, as of now, I give no fucks about who reads my blog.

(Except my mother-in-law.)

(Seriously, if I find out one of you told her about it, I will hunt you down and STAB YOU IN THE FACE*.)

 

*Not really. But please don't.

Update on the patio

I know you are just dying to be told how that went.

Well, I finished the seating. The heavy as fuck, wood part, anyway. I stained it but probably didn't seal it properly and OH MY GOD WHO CARES, I WAS JUST TIRED OF BUILDING PATIO FURNITURE.

I think it turned out okay:

Chillin' out maxin, relaxin, cool.The cushions were not sewn by hand as intended, but were purchased at a deep discount because it was, as you can guess, near the end of the season.

We still got a few good weeks of sittin', though.

Note that there is no table-with-cooler, nor is there a chandelier. I even downgraded the plan to Just Make Some Side Tables, but I was tired of the whole thing.

Next summer.

Oh, look.

[pokes blog]

[waits]

[shakes blog, smacks it around a little]

Oh! Good. Still alive then.

So, around this time of year is when Becky gets all bloggy and inspiring, and I start to think, hey! I have a blog. I should do that again.

(It took until the middle of the month for me to be really inspired this year, not because Becky is not totally inspiring, but because I'm extra lazy.)

But anyway. I guess I should blog, because I have this blog, and I'm paying for it to be hosted somewhere, by people who did something majorly cool like haul their servers up many flights of stairs to keep customers blogs hosted during that giant storm last year, which was approximately the same time I gave any thought to the hosting of my blog. 

(That run-on sentence is definitely the best reason to start sharing my thoughts with the world again.)

Also, I have time to blog now, because I am no longer doing the roller derbies.

What? Why? (I imagine you asking.)

Well, as it turns out, making a roller derby league successful is really fucking hard. Our league was the result of a split from the original league in town, and was still finding its wobbly bambi legs. It split for legitimate reasons, and had a good run at it, but was constantly battling challenges like finding a practice space and retaining membership. 

All leagues face those challenges, but ours had some major hiccups, and now it is back down to some original core members, all of whom are burnt out on trying to keep the league going. TOD has not been officially called, but the attending surgeon is glancing at the clock.

Also, this summer Alfred broke his leg in his pro wrestling debut. Did I mention Alfred was taking a swing at being a pro wrestler? I think I may have. I guess he decided if I could dress up in crazy outfits and beat people up in front of crowds, so could he.

Anyway, during his exit from the ring - a Royal Rumble in which he spent a good 8 minutes being thrashed by at least 5 men, not that there's anything wrong with that - he landed poorly and cracked his tibia.

(I say "exit" like it was unspectacular, but in fact he was thrown over the top ropes, a move he hadn't even practiced until that day.)

He "sold" it by limping off stage holding his back, which is what wrestlers do. I leaned in towards my friend and said, "I think he actually hurt himself."

She nodded sagely.

He spent the night in emerg. They gave him a brace, which he wore (or a variation of it) for 10 weeks. 

Obviously Alfred was the one with the pain and mobility issues, but it really made me realize how screwed I would be if I broke an ankle playing derby. It's a fairly common injury, especially if you drag your toe stops, which I am guilty of. If I were out of commission for 10 weeks (or more), I would...hate it a lot. Really, really, a lot. And Shit would not Get Done.

So, no more derbies. This makes me sad, in some ways. Somehow it is time to move on though. I'm just not sure what to move to. My exercise regime has me halfheartedly following a co-worker around as she lifts weights, which is not that inspiring.

Any suggestions?

 

 

Patio

I finally bit the bullet and just paid somebody to put in our patio.

Because, otherwise, it'd be Labor Day before we managed to do it ourselves, and that would give us approximately 2 days to enjoy it before there was snow on it. We spent all last summer with a mud hole instead of a patio and I didn't feel like doing that again.

But because I spent money to get it put in, I felt like I couldn't spend a lot of money on seating. It's a pretty big area, it needs basically an entire living room furniture suite to fill it up.

(Or, a crapload of toys and bikes and garden implements and random shit, but I'd prefer the furniture.)

I know what you're going to say - Keely! Haven't you seen on Pinterest, how you can totally make furniture out of old wooden palettes and some yarn?

And yes, I have seen that. It looks...ok. But I felt like, I'm handier than that, I can wield power tools, I could one-up the wooden palettes and still do it on the cheap. Right? Right.

So I found some plans online for a patio sectional, that looked pretty do-able. About 6 seats, with an estimated 10-12 hours of work. And I thought, hey, while I'm at it I should build it out of 2x4s instead of 1x4s because it will be marginally cheaper but also HEAVY AS FUCK, and that's what I'm looking for in a sectional.

It gets windy here. You can never be too careful.

And while I am at it, I should plan to build about NINE seats, because it's a pretty big area, and also I need some plans for a center table that has built-in coolers, so I can sit and have some beers on ice without having to go into the house. I will probably build that out of 2x4s too because really, who needs to move their table ever?

Cushions? Well, I could probably sew those up. I'm handy, you know.

Oh, and I'm also on the hunt for a chandelier because Pinterest told me it would be cool to hang it from the tree and replace the lights with solar lights.

1 of 9. Before sanding or staining or cushioning. Kill me now.

I'll post a pic when it's all done.

Sometime around Labor Day.

Teal

One morning a few weeks ago, I put on a new sweater-type top that I had picked up at Sears Clearance Centre for 6 dollars. Because it was such a bargain, it wasn't a color that I'd normally choose. It was sort of a turquoise-y teal-y blue, a color family which I have largely avoided since the early nineties, when it seemed to be everywhere and was usually paired with pink. And neon. 

But, hey, six dollars.

"Ah, teal," remarked Alfred when he saw it, "The color of sarcasm."

"Um...what?"

"Sarcasm. In this one online game that I play, whenever someone enters teal font into the chat window, it's understood to be sarcastic. I just assumed that was sort of an internet standard."

"No," said I, "It's not."

A couple of weeks later, at the hairdressers, I found myself agreeing to this:

 

The color was planned. But it was going to be pink.  Except my hairdresser showed me this new product, and suddenly the teal was inexplicably appealing.

Then last week on a work trip to Dallas, I got it into my head that I wanted blue cowboy boots. I walked into the store and there they were:

 

Not blue, exactly, but definitely my boots. They came home with me and I have been planning outfits around them ever since. 

I don't know, I can't explain it, this sudden attraction to the color teal.

Make it stop

For some reason, winter is still here.

It's really pulling out all the stops this year, showing up early, staying late, breaking records. It's like the model employee that you can't fucking stand.

That's an assload of snow.I'm trying to stay positive about it - it will go away eventually! Maybe I can try to grow rice this year! - but I'm starting to get a little bitter. Seriously, enough already. You win, winter. You broke me.

I mean, look at me - I'm blogging about the weather. 

That is just...sad.

Jesus Snail

A while back we bought two of those snails for the 5-year-old's fish tank. You know, the kind that eat the algae so you can be lazy and never clean the fish tank? Anyway, they cleaned the tank all spiffy and then promptly keeled over and died. Because I'm lazy (see previous buying-of-snails-to-avoid-cleaning-the-fish-tank statement) and my child is very watchful of my activities in his room, I didn't quite get around to scooping them out and flushing them to Fishy Heaven. A few days later I had this text conversation with Alfred:

Me: Holy shit, one of these snails just rose from the dead!

Alfred: ?

Me: I'm going to name him Jesus.

Alfred: Why not Zombie Snail?

Me: "Aaaah! It's eating my brains! Slowly! Vverrrrry slooowwwwllly!"

Me: Doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Alfred: Fair enough.

Me: If the other one ressurrects, we can name HIM Zombie Snail. This one is Jesus.

Alfred: Please don't tell my mother we're having this conversation.

Me: I'm not promising anything.

 

(In retrospect, the snails probably play dead when their food supply runs out and let the "current" carry them somewhere else. Although the second snail never did rise from its watery grave.)

(It's still in there though. I think the fish ate it.)

(Fish are so weird.)