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    So no sooner do I lament the lack of google weirdness on this blog, then I get a bunch of strange search strings. Be careful what you wish for, hey? So I'm doing a little roundup here because a) I should probably post something and b) they amuse me, so they might amuse you.

    1. "un mom blog". Yeah, okay, I just wanted to toot my own horn that at least two, count em, TWO people are actually looking for ME. Or, y'know, someone else that by that name. But I like to think that it's me.

    2. "mom whores". Um. Probably none of those around. I'll check, though.

    3. "adult diaper sex". Okay. I have regretted writing that rant about diaper cakes many, many times now. And re-iterating it has probably just ensured me at least 10 more google hits from diaper fetishists. Also - EWWWWWW.

    (I wonder how many pervs Cutie Booty Cakes gets?)

    4. "hollywood mom". HaaahhahhahhahhahAHHHAHHAHHhahhahha! *wipes tear* That's awesome. Probably less of those here than the mom whores.

    But my favorite, my absolute favorite, was this one:

    That just rocks. At first I was all, holy shit! Google is psychic! How did it guess that about me just from my inane ramblings? And then I remembered that I confessed it once when I got tagged with one of those memes, so it wasn't as amazing. But still funny. All I have to say to that poor google searcher is, dude, if I could have figured out what to do with my degree via google, I would have done it a long time ago. I am going to be absolutely no fucking help to you whatsoever.


    I'd send the dog to a watery grave, but I'm too lazy: Random Tuesday Thoughts


    Have you ever been the kind of tired where it feels like squirrels with especially wiry fur are pushing on your eyeballs from the inside? Yeah...I'm that.

    I haven't read a good book in a while. I should probably go to the library. Well, I should probably pay off my library fines first. Er...actually, I should probably RETURN the books that are overdue, and THEN pay off my library fines.
    Fuck it. I'll go to Chapters.

    I'm disappointed that Mattel has managed to pull the Bratz dolls off the shelf. NOW where am I going to get training dolls for my future brood of dirty slutty whores?
    Oh, right. There's still Barbie.

    I keep burping up fish. this 'random Tuesday thoughts', or 'too much information Tuesday'?

    I need to pay my bills. Why is there always ONE bill that I can't pay online? Seriously, people, do you even realize how lazy I am? I used to have tons of problems with my credit, not because I didn't have the money to pay stuff, but because it involved actually finding a stamp and then ALSO going to the mailbox. Yeesh. Now I'm lucky if I can remember to bring the bills over to the computer in order to pay them.

    I need to find a dog walker, but my dog is insane. I'm not even sure where to begin with wording THAT ad. Let's see..."Seek extremely heavyset individual with massive upper body strength who has the vision of an eagle for spotting incoming dogs and isn't afraid to bite back". Um yep...that'll get me a lot of replies. Maybe I'll go with "Seek very active dog walker who is willing to exercise my dog for hours for minimal pay, and isn't opposed to carrying a loaded hypodermic of morphine for emergencies. Must answer to the name of 'Cesar Milan'".

    Maybe I'll just look into cement dog shoes instead.

    ...I'm kidding!

    Sort of.


    Okay, before you all lose ALL respect for me (what? You had some, right? I mean, just a little?) I guess I'll move on to whatever Wednesday might bring. Anybody else feeling the need to spew random nonsense today? (Well, yours can make sense, if you like, I suppose, although that's not really in the spirit of the thing). Grab the button, slap it up there, shoot me an email or leave a comment and I'll link you up. Ready? RANDOMIZE!

    And the hapless haphazard for the week are

    1. Ginny Marie at Lemon Drop Pie (more about squirrels! I guess we're both nuts)

    2. Kelly at Per Se (nothing about squirrels, just cats)

    3. Becky at Suburban Matron (her Brotherly Love edition - tis the season! Holidays!)

    4. Merissa at Taking In Life (two more terms, go cheer her on!)

    5. Julie at The Cool Mom (seems like it IS TMI Tuesday, lol)

    6. Michelle at Michelle's Blog (random thoughts about a random guy...sounds saucy but - check out her post from yesterday, too!)

    7. FoN at Kids and Daiquiris (the conspiracy people are going to go get her next)


    5 lists I considered listing while I was listing THIS list

    1. "Reasons why you should go check out my guest post today at Half As Good As You". Except that I thought it was kind of double-dipping to use another blog's meme to send you over to a third blog. Plus you might not come back. Anyway, all I could come up with for reasons was a) it's a post about how I let someone hook me up to electrical current and b)I'm asking really nicely.

    2. "Christmas gifts I wanted to buy for my one-year-old but they were out of stock". But there are only two, Baby's First MP3 and a Melissa & Doug pull toy, and two does not a list make. I guess I could have added a Wii Fit, but that's not exactly for the kid.

    3. "10 Ways to make Christmas better". That was actually a suggestion from my hubby, and I considered it (honest, honey), but it doesn't really lend itself to being entertaining. I just don't have the moral fibre required to write a whole post about volunteering in a soup kitchen or making peace with your extended family. Stealing the world's supply of Christmas carols, letting Santa get eaten by zombies, or converting to Judaism, sure. But it's probably only me that thinks those would make Christmas better.

    4. "Ways to de-stress your holidays". The last list idea spun into that one, but again, too serious. I was mostly considering it because I like luring in innocent google searchers and SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF THEM.

    5. "A list of a bunch of half-assed list ideas". Oh...right. That's the one I went with.



    Mime Massacre

    ...and they totally fucking deserve it, too.

    (Courtesy of some of the same warped minds who brought you War is Hell)


    73 things I want to do before I die

    I found this in one of my old sketchbooks. I remembered it existed, but I haven't looked at it in a LONG time. I wrote it in university, and I've accomplished a few, but it's a pretty sad ratio considering my advanced age. So I'm posting it here in the hopes that you guys will hold me accountable.

    1. Visit Scotland
    2. Grow a garden Two years in a row now!
    3. Get my degree
    4. Learn to play guitar properly
    5. Skydive
    6. Rock climb (on real rocks)
    7. Get a dog (I should have specified a SANE dog.)
    8. Own land
    9. See the pyramids
    10. Write a novel It's short, but it's written
    11. Learn to blow glass
    12. Visit NZ again
    13. Learn Spanish
    14. Learn Italian
    15. Learn Japanese
    16. Ride a gondola (the boat kind...not the mountain kind)
    17. See the Parthenon
    18. See the Louvre
    19. Work for myself (and support myself doing it)
    20. Sell a piece I'm proud of to someone I don't know (I meant an art piece...sickos)
    21. Have my own gallery show
    22. Learn to snowboard
    23. Learn to 'sideways stop' on hockey skates (without falling on my ass)
    24. Learn a martial art
    25. Learn sign language
    26. Swim naked at a tropical beach
    27. Learn to ride a motorbike
    28 Drive across Canada
    29. Visit the East coast
    30. Have horses
    31. Play paintball
    32. Play in a band
    33. Teach a class
    34. Go scuba diving
    35. Swim with dolphins (I'm pretty sure they were laughing at me, but I did it)
    36. See a ghost
    37. Organize all my photographs
    38. Read all the classics
    39. See one of Rothko's paintings
    40. Visit the catacombs in Europe
    41. Hike in a rainforest
    42. Fire a handgun
    43. Learn archery
    44. Trace my family tree
    45. Visit Italy
    46. Work overseas
    47. Learn to fiddle
    48. Find a way to show my parents how much I really appreciate them.
    49. Get a tattoo
    50. Get my nose pierced
    51. Be with someone I would marry (but don't need to)
    52. Bungee jump
    53. Have a psychic experience
    54. Go waterskiing
    55. Go to Burning Man
    56. Be an extra (I ended up doing this a LOT, and it's not as fun as you'd think)
    57. Ride in a hot air balloon
    58. Go to Disneyland with my friends with my son
    59. See the lava flow in Hawaii
    60. Make a book Coincidentally...last weekend!
    61. Sing in a gospel choir
    62. See the Mayan/Aztec temples.
    63. Visit the Purdy's chocolate factory
    64. Learn to whistle really loud (I have been trying, and failing, at this for years)
    65. Sleep on a foreign beach
    66. Have my own darkroom
    67. Take a basic mechanic's class
    68. Learn to play poker
    69. Go whitewater kayaking
    70. Go surfing
    71. Go spelunking

    And I'm officially adding:

    72. Get published (like, by someone else, not
    73. Escort my child(ren) through to their teens with all limbs & eyes intact

    So what's on YOUR list? And what do you guys think I should tackle first?

    Also, if there are any sponsors reading this that want to help me out with any of these - say, the trip to Italy - I'm down with that. Because I'm a total money whore. I'll wear your logo all around Europe like I'm a friggin' NASCAR driver. Plus, I have the fake sincerity thing down to a science. Just puttin' that out there.