Do you want rats? Because this is how you get rats.

So remember the "I'm back" and a pithy title making fun of my ability to get sick all the time and never have any energy? Wasn't that funny?

Ha. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

A couple of days ago I got a phone call from my doctor's office wanting a follow-up on some blood work. But...I had already done the follow up on blood work. In which we determined I had way too much progesterone, remember?

"...different blood work?" the beleaguered medical admin guessed.

"Okay," I said, and promised to come in the next day. I figured my doctor was maybe having a senior moment? Even though she's not senior? But I should humor her because she was the one who figured out that I had too much progesterone and I was feeling much better.

Turns out there was more blood work, tests that had to be sent away to...Siberia, possibly?...and hadn't made the long trip back by the last appointment. Turns out that I have auto antibodies in my blood, which indicate an autoimmune disease. Probably lupus, but from what I can tell autoimmune diseases are like one big bad Venn diagram of labels and symptoms, and you might be in 3 of them or you might be in the middle in limbo, and it will probably change by Thursday, so a rheumatologist just picks one at random (I assume. Possibly there's more science involved than that). It doesn't really matter what your ultimate label is, if you have an autoimmune disease it basically amounts to: Your body is trying to kill you.

Maybe not today! But probably tomorrow. And possibly Wednesday. And then maybe it will take a little rest, or even a long rest, and contemplate the next time it tries to kill you. Maybe the kidneys? The brain? Nah. LET'S GIVE HER DRY EYES. SHE'LL FUCKING HATE THAT.

When my doctor told me and made the referral to the rheumatologist, I took the day off and went home and laid on the couch and cried a bit. To be fair, I was probably going to do that anyway because I had an infected tonsil and I was in a lot of pain and kept thinking I was going to choke to death reeeeaaalllly slowly, but the autoimmune thing really didn't help.

I sort of feel like I've been handed the world's worst decoder ring. I hold it over my medical records and it says things like "you had premature ovarian failure because AUTOIMMUNE" and "you have Hashimoto's because APPARENTLY YOU COLLECT AUTOIMMUNE DISEASES" and "you get infections from every little thing because AUTOIMMUNE" and "you get weird green numb fingers when you're cold because AUTOIMMUNE". And you're like, ohhhhhhh of course! This all makes so much sense! Let's hover the decoder ring over the part that gives you answers about how to fix it! And you get

That's all we know.

WE KNOW FUCKING NOTHING.

I'm still processing this, clearly.

In the meantime I'm going to be naming all of my posts with random quotes from whatever I'm watching right now because if I'm going to have psychic, predictive post titles they might as well be interesting.

So this week next time? Rodent infestation. BOOM.

(I'll probably be a bit more selective with my random quotes once I test this theory.)