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    « I swear this isn’t one of those “complaining about my dog” blogs. You know, THOSE blogs. | Main | I’m not sure what charity this 5k benefits, but I’m thinking it has something to do with brains. »

    Oh, hello. Are you still here? Here’s a story about my stupid dog.

    About a week ago my dog greeted Alfred at the door by projectile vomiting.

    My feelings about this were mixed. For one thing, I did appreciate that she gave Alfred this blessing and not myself. But she managed to find the only six square feet of carpet that we have in the house to vomit on, and also, she’s not a big puker. I mean, she’s kind of a equal-opportunity garbage disposal normally, puking would be counter-productive. So, y’know, there was some worry.

    But she seemed fine so the next day we fed her as normal. She woke me up early the next morning by panting heavily in my face and looking panicked. You know, the look dogs normally reserve for imminent evacuation of bodily fluids?

    I let her out. She tried to poop. She ate some grass. She panted. She tried to poop again. Then she laid down and refused to get up.

    “So,” I said to Alfred. “Vet, I guess?”

    “Yeah,” he agreed unhappily. Aside from the cost, the vet techs all remember our dog as “the one who regurgitated an assload of blue play-doh on their feet” and I think he finds that mildly embarrassing.

    So he toted her off and was told it would be a thousand dollars. One thousand dollars. Just to do the tests that would determine what was wrong with her.

    There was no way this was going to end well. Either we spend a thousand dollars, which we don’t have, to find out there is nothing fixable…and then we’re out a thousand dollars. Or we spend the thousand dollars, and find out something needs fixing…and then we don’t have any further money to finance the fix.

    We paid the thousand dollars that we didn’t have, because we clearly don’t make wise decisions under pressure. Then I spent the whole day worrying that there would be something that required fixing, and we wouldn’t be able to afford it, and I would have to make The Call.

    The Call would be all on me, of course. It was my idea to get the stupid dog in the first place. Alfred would probably vote for putting the vet bill on credit, even though we can’t afford it. I am the one who makes the cutthroat decisions in this relationship.

    I would have to be the asshole that made the final decision to kill our dog, because I couldn’t justify paying to get her fixed.

    As it turned out, there was nothing fixable. We won the “slightly less crappy option” roulette. Later that evening I got the second-hand verdict: the dog had a gall bladder attack*.

    Let’s see. Mid-life, kinda overweight, doesn’t really like other dogs, a gall bladder that is trying to kill her?

    She’s a dog version of ME.

    I texted FoN.



    Then the vet tried to sell us special diet food and I just growled and took my stupid canine home as soon as I could. The dog wasn’t terribly appreciative; I think she enjoyed her morphine vacation. This morning she repaid me by escaping the yard and making me drive** really slowly around the neighborhood, shaking a box full of treats out the window. I was late for work and my neighbors think I’m crazier than usual.

    There’s been lots of other stuff going on, too. I’ll probably get around to blogging about it next month. See you then?


    *It was actually a pancreatic attack, but I was told gall bladder originally. I told the vet, "close enough". That made her a little huffy. Probably because I kept saying 'gall bladder' but wouldn't buy her overpriced chemical dog food in a can. Vets are sensitive that way.

    **I gave up running after her on foot about 3 years ago. Alfred still tries occasionally. I think he believes if he’s tired enough, he won’t murder her when he catches up.

    Reader Comments (10)

    Glad your dog is OK, mostly. They say that dogs end up looking like their owners, or maybe is was end up being like their owners. Sounds like yours is doing that really well.
    We got the neurotic collie dog in the doggy roulette. He won't leave us alone if he doesn't have to and running away, so not on his agenda. Keeping us all in one place, yeah that he does as much as possible.

    April 23, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVandyJ

    Pets! or animal companions to be more au courant. My dog (big Australian cattle dog with ice blue clint eastwood eyes) was bullied throughout his life by our evil cats. ( i had to feed him in a room with closed doors so they didn't take his food away.) He died of leukemia. Then my cat (the nice one) got diabetes, so I paid the vet to end her skinny, incontinent life. I left the fat white cat (quite evil) at the 'orphanage'. So now I live with just two cats. Almost like a normal person.

    April 23, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFelechia

    She's just keeping it interesting. She just wanted you to write on your blog. Worked didn't it?

    April 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

    You know, we've been thinking about getting a dog. I'm taking your post as advice.

    April 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMia

    Ugh, talk about my worst nightmare. At some point my beloved cats are going to start falling apart, and our broke asses aren't going to be able to afford to fix them. And then we're going to have to choose between continuing the life of our cats and eating ramen forever or letting our cats die. And while the rational part is like, "Only a retard would spend thousands of dollars on a fucking cat," but then the irrational part is like, "But it's my little kitty!"

    I guess what I'm saying is that I do NOT envy you one little bit.

    April 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMonsteRawr

    The next step for your dog's mid-life crisis would be to join a doggie roller derby team. She could be Wagatha.

    April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGretchen

    I am glad your dog is mostly okay. You can get special dog foods at any pet store for less expensive than what the vet sells. Try to find the same brand or a similar one. It probably needs something with less fat in it. Not sure though - you should ask before buying. :) Good luck.

    April 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKimber

    Wouldn't it be nice if dogs were covered under our health insurance? After all, they are people, too.

    April 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCrack You Whip

    Crap. I hear you! I just paid $800 to the vet because our damn dog fell off the bed and then wouldn't put any weight on her one leg. Turns out she is fine. And that vet bill? Is being paid and then hidden before my hubby ever sees it. Blah...

    May 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLeanne

    ugh. I had to make that horrible-my-kids-will-hate-me-forever-and never-buy-me-another-mother's-day-gift decision earlier this year with my dog for reasons other than unfixable gall bladder issues. And I've just read your most recent post about the sink and the water and your splendid birthday.
    I hope there was cake.

    May 2, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNessa Locke

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