Remember when I started my new job (which I still love, thank you for asking), and they told me that International Talk Like a Pirate Day is a big thing for them?
No? How do you even forget a thing like that?
Anyway, it’s a big thing for them. The office was one big Yaaaarrrrr all Monday. There was pirate speak and pirate decorations and pirate costumes and prizes for said costumes. And I forgot to show you mine!
I was trying to look stern. People take you less seriously as a pirate when you smile. I sewed the majority of my costume myself, out of drapes, because I am Maria from the fucking Sound of Music, yo.
(Also? I was wearing Spanx under there. Real pirates wear Spanx. At least, they do if they don’t want their multiple belts to squeeze their fat into several rolls, making them look remarkably like 200lbs of Jello wrapped in drapes and tied with twine.)
Even with all that effort, my costume only took fourth prize. Fourth. There was some stiff competition.
Next year I’ll have to bring in a cannon, or something.
Or…grow a beard.