How I amuse myself when I’m left alone for the weekend

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this the (Keely’s last name) residence?”

“Yes….”

“My name is (mumbled) and I am a Web Traffic Controller.  We have been receiving much traffic, filled with viruses, to our servers, for the past eight months.  We have determined that is coming from your computer.  Are you the legal owner of that computer, ma’am?”

“Yes…”

“Okay, I will need you to turn it on, and I will walk you through the steps to correct this.”

“Oh, I’m not allowed to turn it on.”

“I’m sorry?  Who has told you this?”

“They told me that when I bought it.  I always do what I’m told.”

“Ma’am, are you the legal owner of this computer?”

“Yes.”

“And you have not…turned it on?”

“No, they told me not to. They said something like viruses could happen.”

“Um, well, if you could go turn it on, I will help you get rid of the viruses.”

“I can’t do that. They told me not to.”

“…Ma’am, have you…taken anything today? That may be…upsetting you?”

“Well, I had some coffee.  (whisper) I’m not supposed to.”

“I do not think that you should drink coffee again, ma’am.  Now, if you will go to your computer and turn it on, I will show you what to –”

“I have to go.  The voices are telling me I have to go.

(click.)

 

Pfft.  Scammers.

 

(Read more variations on this scam here.)