Never say never (except for that one thing)
Sunday, July 17, 2011 at 2:53PM This past week I purchased two of the unlikeliest pieces of apparel. These are things that if you’d asked me about as little as 6 months ago, I would have laughed and rolled my eyes.
The first was a football jersey. The local football team has a rabid following, which has never included me. I mean, I feel some sort of distant affection for them since they’re local, but it’s football, I could give a crap what the score is. Sometimes I like to go to a game if it’s sunny and the ticket was free and there’s beer involved, but that’s about it. Other people, however, have team-themed jerseys and bandannas and sunglasses and license plate covers and photos of themselves with the mascot and green-and-white pedicures, for chrissakes.
I caved and bought the jersey because on game days, practically the entire city wears green. Dressing to show your support is big around my new office, and I was starting to feel left out. So I bought it, and I wear it on game days, even though I don’t care what the score is, so I can participate in my new workplace and feel included and omigod, don’t judge me.
The second item was shorts.
I don’t wear shorts. Ever. It can be hotter than the 3rd circle of hell, and I’ll wear a mid-length skirt or capris, but you will not find me in shorts. I have chubby knees and cellulite and a big honking varicose vein that glows through my pasty white skin. No goddamn shorts.
Except. It actually IS hotter than the 3rd circle of hell, and while I’m very pleased that summer has decided to put in an appearance this year, it’s not boding well for my running.
(Which I’m still doing. Aren’t you proud of me? I’m proud of me. Rest assured that I am not being smug, however, because I still hate every single second of it, save for the few seconds after I’m done.)
So in the interest of continuing to run without expiring from heatstroke, I made up some justifications in my head – I’ve been running at night, there’s less chance of me scaring small children, I’ll wear knee braces so you can’t see the chub, really, I can rationalize anything – and went off in search of running shorts. My one requirement was that they have pockets, because I need somewhere to put my phone for tunes, and I absolutely draw the line at wearing a fanny pack.
Well. Did you know that there’s apparently an embargo on pockets? In any type of athletic apparel? What the fuck, clothing manufacturers, do you think we’re all so obsessed with how our ass looks in those yoga pants that we won’t accept a visible pocket?
(I think I blame lululemon for this.)
I looked EVERYWHERE. My last resort, the actual store dedicated to runners, where I only venture once a year to purchase shoes, where there are lots of very-fit-looking salespeople hawking complex and mysterious-looking “performance enhancing” gear, resulted in a shrug and an apologetic, “No, sorry.”
Shorts with pockets no longer exist. I’m not sure how this alarming erasure from existence happened, but it did. Right under our noses.
So I sighed.
And purchased a water bottle holder with a side pocket in it, the kind that buckles around your waist.
BUT IT IS NOT A FANNY PACK.
(Has anybody seen my dignity? I swear I had it when I was younger.)
Reader Comments (26)
You can get yoga pants and running shorts with pockets at Gap, dear.
Phew!
I thought this post was going to be something along the lines of you purchasing depends or some nonsence like that. :)
I also have mashed potato thighs and knee caps (I blame my children). I figure if they did this to me, then I can publicly embarrass them in my shorts. All is fair in Love and Mom.
A few thoughts:
1) You are running. That automatically makes you and your kneecaps superior to everyone not running in the immediate area. It also means that you and your kneecaps can wear whatever the fuck you and your kneecaps like because you're running. This is my philosophy, anyway.
2) My running shorts actually do have pockets, and I wish they didn't because they're soooooo annoying. They came from Khols, and while I know they tend not to carry the same thing from year to year, you might have some luck there.
3) I would also recommend getting yourself a Spibelt. Yes, technically it could be considered a fanny pack, but it holds tight to the body and doesn't bounce around, and if you're wearing anyone looser than the tightest of tanks, you can't see it under your shirt. Besides, you're running, remember? Fuck 'em.
This kinda read like a RTT to me, was it? ;) I can't see you wearing a football jersey, you're really growing as a person.
You're right about the pockets, unless you go with men's shorts since they apparently are cool enough to get pockets. Rock on with the running, I'm puh-roud.
I notice that you seem to be running a little farther every time. My heartfelt congrats. Perhaps you are being too hard your knee caps. Show them some LOVE. Pockets? I notice people at the gym wearing armbands, in which are inserted i-phones, i-pods etc. Like you, I wear things with pockets or do without. Football gear. hmmm...that green is bilious. Most of the team is transplanted Yanks. Canadians cheer for HOCKEY teams. (Well I don't care about hockey either, but my antipathy to football is bottomless and usually silent, given my current address.)
Men's shorts are where it's at! Especially the longer ones they call "basketball shorts". I actually prefer the men's since they're longer and you don't have to keep pulling them down.
Can't you just label this as an RTT? For old time's sake??
Greatful!Just apply to my interest!Thanks you for sharing with all of us!
runescape gold
Ha! Yep! What dignity? And what the hell...fanny packs carry a lot of stuff...so I use one when I walk. If people are staring, I don't care....my stuff is with me...so there!!!
Run with pride Hun!! You are doing good!!
And you crack me up
Hugs
SueAnn
Big thumbs up for continuing to run. I'm very proud. I would have stopped long ago because I couldn't find the right gear. Or at least that is what I'd tell everyone. The real reason is that I hate it. I'd rather get my exercise putting up my new bar area. Much more satisfying.
Bike shorts never have pockets. I've resorted to sticking my iPod into the back of my sports bra. Sigh. Congrats on the sticking to running, thing, though.
Absolutely NOT a fanny pack, no. *pats on back*
Luckily I found some joggers with pockets for the treadmill, but like you said, it was hard going. Maybe pockets aren't aerodynamic enough. A girl needs pockets otherwise where does one keep candy bars when it all gets too much?
Ugh. I HATE workout clothes that don't have pockets. Doesn't EVERYONE listen to music when they work out? Where the hell do they expect you to put your iPod (or whatever)?! I'm glad I'm not the only person who's had to deal with this ridiculousness.
This could have been so much worse. You don't want to know where my brain went.
Your football fans are crazy. We have lots of them here. So many that it sometimes feels like the game is in the wrong city.
What about those arm band thingys?
Haha, office fashion peer pressure. That's intense. Well, at least now you're doing your bit to support the local team!
I'm a new follower of your blog. Cool banner, love the superhero mum concept!
xx
Becks
This was a FANTASTIC post! I love your sense of humor, and your writing style is awesome. And hey I say you have more dignity than ever! Great blog, am a happy now a happy new follower :).
http://marleeindebt.blogspot.com
What you need is a running skort. Yep, a uber sexy skort. I've got a Nike one that had a little pocket in the back, zips and everything. I mean I've never actually used the skort but I hear it's awesome.
Its gotta be better than the fanny pack. Err, the 'I'm not a fanny pack.'
I have the same issues and still wear shorts. People may clear my path more, but I consider that a benefit.
It's so good to know that I'm not the only one with chubby knees. I never wear shorts - capris are my thing, even on a scorcher of a day (like it's been since May, because Mother Nature is a bitch like that sending our normal August heat early...and constantly...this year). You're my hero for embracing running, though - running and I have never gotten along. I blame my knees and my Swenson Thunder Thighs - and probably from playing soccer in high school didn't help. :)
Nope - not a fanny pack...you're good! ;)
I wear a fanny pack (but the fanny part on the front) when I walk the dog. Poop bags. Cell phone. Misc crap. It's all in there. My 22 year old daughter won't look at me when I have it on.
I never wear shorts, either!!! Curiously, though, I have a few pairs from some years ago that I won't get rid of. I don't know why. I guess I think somehow my vericose veins will disappear and I will magically want to wear shorts again.
I am baffled by the lack of pockets.
Fanny packs. It's only OK to wear fanny packs in Europe. If they're made of leather. And you're gay. And European. And still then it's really not OK. Run like the wind. With your water bottle attached to your side in your non-fanny pack. Function non fashion is what I'm screamin!
I thought there is a deep story behind the title of this post.. but it make me smile. nice post.
I was just having a conversation with a friend the other day about the lack of pockets. I don't run, but I do (occasionally) walk. I kind of like to have my key with me, and maybe my iPod... I guess that is too much to ask.
Hilarious. I have not posted (let alone READ) on anyone's blog, including mine, in months.. and am so glad I took this in tonight. So, if we get to see the pile o' dirt, don't we get to see THE SHORTS?