The virus masquerading as anti-virus software is about as meta as a blog post about how my life without the internet sucks: Random Tuesday Thoughts
Tuesday, February 22, 2011 at 2:00AM 
Happy Frozen Tuesday. Seriously, it's effing cold here.
So after a successful 20 years of computing history without encountering any major virus, my laptop has been laid waste. While innocently perusing porn a blog post, urgent messages suddenly popped up informing me that my computer was infected! with viruses! and trojan horses! and possibly syphilis! DOOOOM AND DESPAIIIIRR! And all I had to do to make them go away was enter my credit card number to upgrade my "System Tool".
When I (metaphorically) flipped off the actual Tool that infected my computer instead of handing over my banking information, it took over the wallpaper and continued to warn me in obnoxious purple and pink lettering that viruses could BREAK MY LIFE.
Yes. Well, the virus is an asshole and my laptop is in the gentle care of the Geek Squad, but the "breaking my life" thing might be accurate. I have never felt this...disconnected.
That whole "face time" and "talking to people" thing is TOTALLY fucking overrated. I want my Matrix back, dammit.
As luck would have it, our desktop computer has also been crippled by a broken monitor. So I'm pecking this out on our "backup" computer, which is the one Alfred owned when we got together. It's tucked in a corner of the basement, doesn't have any browsers other than IE and still has Limewire installed on it.
My life, it is painful sometimes.
On the other hand, it's pretty hard to open multiple tabs and get distracted, so I'm staying on task for once.
I'm also not sharing any fun links this week, because OMIGOD you may as well ask me to offer you my own eyeballs after removing them with barbed wire rather than try to STUMBLE something.
This basement smells funny.
I've come to the conclusion (in light of recent events, and yes I'm still talking about that) that the apocalypse probably won't come in zombie form. This is disappointing in a way, since I've honed my decapitation skills for nothing, and also because shambling corpses would probably be easier to fight than what will actually occur - the sudden removal of our internet umbilical. We're all going to go out in a spectacular showing of ethernet DTs and twitching eyeballs.
Well, okay, one link, since you're all so nice and we're talking about living our lives online anyway: The Facebook Breakup Notifier App. Because sitting around waiting for someone to get dumped is a HUGE attraction factor in a mate.
You're welcome. You didn't even have to watch me gouge my eyes out for that one. Though it kind of makes me feel like doing it anyway.
You know what else does? All the Random Tuesday posts that I won't be able to visit this week because the Virus Gods hate me! You should still write one, anyway, though. I'm sure many of the other super-nice, generous and supportive participants (who are kind to animals) will visit.
Random up!
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Reader Comments (40)
I'm first! Yay insomnia! At least I think I'm first, my link hasn't shown up on Mr. Linky yet.
Virus on your 'puter eh? That really bites. Hard. I think there should be a special spot in hell reserved for virus creators where they are dipped in boiling oil, drawn and quartered, set on fire, dipped in boiling oil again and then finally forced to watch Pee Wee Herman reruns for all of eternity.
Hope you get your 'puter back soon!
Viruses and the assholes that code them are lower than low...
Hope to get fixed up soon so you can surf porn again. LOL
Ugh, viruses. Sorry. We have like 3 ANCIENT back up computers (because James Bond refuses to get rid of them) and I would rather fight off a pack of rabid zombies than use one of them. Hope your laptop is better soon.
I so feel your pain. I thought I caught a virus on my computer a few weeks ago, because the screen all of a sudden started flashing every color imaginable, and then died. Turns out the part that controls the lap top screen malfunctioned, and died. I thought I lost everything (I always forget to backup), but some how my husband saved my data. Until my new laptop arrived, I used either our desktop, net book, or his laptop. I never felt so disorganized in my life. It was so odd.
I totally feel for ya on the computer virus. They suck....big time! Hope it gets fixed for you soon. Me and the hubby are shopping later this week to get a new computer tower because the one we have now is slower than molasses. Happy RTT.
Basements always smell funny. I'm not sure why. OMG! No Stumble Upon? My life would be over if I couldn't indulge my ADD.
OMG! I am totally freaked out here! A virus arm wrestled the UnMom and won? WTF!!??!! That totally sucks!! I sure hope they can save your 'puter and restore back to it's original glory? And to have to work in the basement with all the spiders and such! Eek!!
Take care my friend and wear boots!
Hugs
SueAnn
I was just discussing with a friend the other day that 2012 won't be "the end of the world" per se but if we suddenly lost all internet and peoples' comps started to revolt, that would certainly be cataclysmic. And creepy! Sorry you have to use the super old one; our laptop is from, like 2006, and THAT seems like a dinosaur! Happy Tuesday.
I was ok using our desktop until I got my iphone. Now if I go without getting on the internet for a few hours I feel all shaky. Hope the laptop gets fixed soon.
Seems those viruses sneak in at the most inconvenient time...like any time. Thank you for braving the smelly darkness of the basement to keep your lifeline to us sort of open. Hope the Geek Squad fixes your laptop soon!!
I'm not sure what is braver - taking on the virus in a fight to the death duel or blogging from the dark, damp basement! You deserve a crown! Hope the Geek Squad hurries up!
Right now my computer is my lifeline - just moved to another continent where I can't speak the language, so sometimes it feels like my blog is my social life. Damn, that sounded even worse typing it than it did in my head! So the thought of a virus literally makes me want to sob right now...
No internet? That's just cruel.
I'd hate it if my netbook died--the only alternative is the slow as molasses laptop we have. It borders on dinosaur. Hope your laptop gets better soon. Stupid viruses.
I've had that horrible virus. It totally sucks! Fortunately my BIL is on the geek squad and walked my husband through the repair.
Don't despair, the apocalypse could still come in zombie form. You never know.
Man, that stinks! Nothing is worse than trying to survive in today's world with late 90s technology. (((HUGS))) Hope it gets back to the future for you real soon.
ComputerS down is mega-bad...I hope it gets better in a hurry.
Sure you'll miss my RTT, but with the whole eye gauging thing...I think you're going to missing a lot more than just the RTTs.
Keep your chin up (whatever that means)! :)
The day after my birthday last year my website was hacked and I gave everyone computer herpes. It sucked.
We had the viruses last year on all 3 of our computers. I'd rather have eye chlamydia. Again.
Okay, I never actually had eyeball VD, just the worst case of pink eye ever so that they ended up swabbing my eyeball to test it for a social disease, but luckily it came back negative. I worked at the criminal courthouse, apparently people do nasty things with their summons papers.
Sorry. Feeling a bit rambly today. Too much sharing?
I had an HP that got the syphillis one time. It was never the same again. That Facebook app is just wrong. Funny as hell, but wrong.
I'd say, "Get a Mac.", but people would then try and say that Macs get viruses too, which I know is technically possible and pretty easy, but I haven't had a virus or worm or Trojan Horse on a Mac ever. But I won't say it.
Dude, that suuuuuucks!!
Viruses need to go to hell and die!
Sorry for your loss. Luckily, I have my own Geek Squad. Of one. I don't even have to call him. I just yell out that my computer is doing "that thing" and he handles it.
I'm happy.
i hope you survive the crappy internet apocolypse. so sad for you.
What a pain in the ass, man!~ Hope the Geek Squad hurries the hell up!