I’ve often thought that as an alternative career, I would make a really excellent assassin. I’ve floated this idea to several friends when they complained vehemently about their exes/bosses/neighbours, but so far nobody has wanted to pony up the 10 grand for my first sniper rifle.
I mean, I have to start somewhere. I can’t just take out a loan for that kind of thing. It was hard enough to get an overdraft on my checking account. They would probably ask questions. Especially since I’m Canadian and they don’t even like us using fireworks.
But, I’ve thought it through and I’m convinced it would be feasible:
1. I’m a pretty good shot. At least I was when my Dad let me target shoot with the .22 at the age of 14. I assume that it’s just inherent and will come right back to me.
2. I look hot in black.
3. I’m ridiculously patient, which will come in handy while I wait for my targets to appear in my crosshairs. (Well, maybe it’s less “ridiculously patient”, and more “an excellent time-waster”, but I’m sure all the other assassins have a million apps on their phones too. I’d even be willing to take up smoking if it
made me skinny helped to pass the time.)
4. I can compartmentalize. I’m so awesome at flipping my own emotional switches, that sometimes I find myself wondering why it’s so hard to care, and I realize that I forgot to flip them back. Sure, the trauma of slaughtering hundreds of potentially innocent people might seep into my psyche eventually, but by that point I’ll be retired and sipping mai-tais on a beach with my therapist on retainer.
5. I can rationalize pretty much anything. Especially when it involves money.
6. I’m the last person someone would suspect. I mean, even you guys still think I’m kidding.
My only potential drawback is that I truly suck at geography. If I had a target in, say, Uganda, I wouldn’t be able to tell you if the quickest escape route was through Kenya or Mozilla. But that’s what Google Maps is for, right?
Although I guess my cover is blown now that I’ve blogged about it.
Good thing I really was kidding, right?