Interestingly, I don’t hold the same hope for my hooking career, though many of the skills are the same
Wednesday, September 22, 2010 at 7:28PM I’ve often thought that as an alternative career, I would make a really excellent assassin. I’ve floated this idea to several friends when they complained vehemently about their exes/bosses/neighbours, but so far nobody has wanted to pony up the 10 grand for my first sniper rifle.
I mean, I have to start somewhere. I can’t just take out a loan for that kind of thing. It was hard enough to get an overdraft on my checking account. They would probably ask questions. Especially since I’m Canadian and they don’t even like us using fireworks.
But, I’ve thought it through and I’m convinced it would be feasible:
1. I’m a pretty good shot. At least I was when my Dad let me target shoot with the .22 at the age of 14. I assume that it’s just inherent and will come right back to me.
2. I look hot in black.
3. I’m ridiculously patient, which will come in handy while I wait for my targets to appear in my crosshairs. (Well, maybe it’s less “ridiculously patient”, and more “an excellent time-waster”, but I’m sure all the other assassins have a million apps on their phones too. I’d even be willing to take up smoking if it made me skinny helped to pass the time.)
4. I can compartmentalize. I’m so awesome at flipping my own emotional switches, that sometimes I find myself wondering why it’s so hard to care, and I realize that I forgot to flip them back. Sure, the trauma of slaughtering hundreds of potentially innocent people might seep into my psyche eventually, but by that point I’ll be retired and sipping mai-tais on a beach with my therapist on retainer.
5. I can rationalize pretty much anything. Especially when it involves money.
6. I’m the last person someone would suspect. I mean, even you guys still think I’m kidding.
My only potential drawback is that I truly suck at geography. If I had a target in, say, Uganda, I wouldn’t be able to tell you if the quickest escape route was through Kenya or Mozilla. But that’s what Google Maps is for, right?
Although I guess my cover is blown now that I’ve blogged about it.
Good thing I really was kidding, right?
Really.
Ahem.
Keely | 28 Comments
Reader Comments (28)
I think I would make an excellent assassin except I would giggle every time I said my occupation. I mean what other job has you saying "ass" twice?
Better be careful smoking while you're waiting to snipe someone - the tip of a lit cigarette can be seen for miles believe it or not. Plus they'd smell you if they got too close :/ Smoking really is a terrible habit and I need to stop; I can never be an assassin for that fact. I think I'll just stick with somewhat Mom and wife, writer and socially awkward reject ^_^
When you make the career change, will you puh-lease put my mother-in-law at the top of the list?
This is such a coincidence! I was just thinking about an alternative career too! Jedi Ninja Sheriff Spy!
I'd be a much better hooker than an assassin because I can lay on my back and do nothing for hours on end. Assassins have to plan that whole get away thang. That might involve running. We all know where I stand on running. "Only when chased"!
If you were wanting to do a little practising first, you know, hone those rusty skills, I've got a few names for ya...
First of all of course you were just kidding. If anyone asks, you were working on the RTT the whole time. *wink wink*
Second of all, I'd like to be your apprentice. I think travelling the world would be a cool job perk.
Do assassins get to sleep in? Because of so then I'm all for it.
You are a ninja warrior in black. I remember the previous post w/picture! My pink and purple cape is due in any day now. Let's go conquer.
I worry you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Assassin work is probably a lot like blogging. At first you think it will be all trips to Africa and thousands of clients right off the bat, expensive guns, etc. In reality, it will probably just be you hiding behind a loras bin with a tazer. Unless you end up being.....whoever the Dooce equivalent to killing people is.
I think the key to not letting the trauma enter your psyche is to only those that need killing like Dexter. Sure once or twice you may get someone who only seemed guilty of horrific crimes but so what, right?
So, if I can just come up with $10K, you'll solve my little "problem?" EXCELLENT.
My dad taught me to shoot with a .22. He would take me bird hunting and if I ran around and scared up some quail, at the end of the day he'd line up the tin cans for me to shoot at. He also told me he would leave me that gun, but apparently he told everyone the same thing and my nephew got it.
I have a couple to add to your list should you find a suitable cover story!
I, too am especially good at #4 and #5--I think they pretty much go together! I'd have to be a hooker though as I've never so much as fired a BB gun. But I'm hell with household cleaner. ;-)
I actually AM a hooker...a crochet hooker, that is, and i think an assassin would be a lot of fun. I too have a few names to add to the list if you want to get some target practice in before you go public....
You really need a new job.
Let's face it, your wardrobe for an assassin is waaaay better than a hooker's. Though I always wondered how one would go to the bathroom in a full-length leather catsuit. I mean, time is of the essence, right? You don't want to spend twenty minutes inching out of a skintight catsuit.
Looking hot in black in the best reason :) I think you should go for it! By the way, I love the way your blog looks and the new header rocks (it's new to me anyway bc I haven't been here in a while...it might be old now...I'm not sure *sighs*)
Hmmmm...now I'm thinking I'd make a good assassin. I'm particularly good at sitting around doing nothing for hours on end and rationalizing anything. That, and I could really use the money. Living on Ramen noodles and veggie beef soup is getting really old. Oh, and I don't like people very much, I'm sure that would help.
Have a great weekend!
Sounds like a great idea. Not a career I could handle as I am sure it would involve physical acts such as running and jumping and maybe lifting heavy things.
You know, now that you've used the word "assassin" you're probably on some watch list somewhere. That's OK. You can chill with me. I made a joke about selling plutonium and black market babies awhile back and I'm sure I've been on one ever since. Pull up a chair.
Well, I wouldn't say your cover is completely blown, not in a reverse psychology kind of way. It's kind of like hiding in plain sight.
So how's your eyesight? That's the one thing that would keep me from being one. Well, one of two. Even with Lasik, I'd still have a dog who wouldn't let me out of her sight. Little hard to use that license to kill when you have to deal with a fat, hyperventilating cocker spaniel with separation issues.
I second the no smoking thing! That's a good way to be a DEAD assassin.
Did you know that there's now a gun that can shoot almost TWO MILES in a straight shot? That's just bad ass.
Well, smoking itself won't make you skinny, but I have found that men (okay, European men) find it sexy and so the related activities can be great calorie burners. Ahem.
But hey - I'm loving the diversity of your portfolio:
Mom
Diarist (blogger)
Advice Columnist
Paid Assassin
Well rounded, my dear. Well rounded.
- B x