Don't get drunk and try to be sexy and light a firecracker with a match in your teeth, or anything. Not that that's something I'd do. Often.

Happy Independence Day, my neighbours!

(That's the day when everyone who needs one receives a free motorized scooter and a handrail in your bathtub, right? And then you eat hot dogs and light fireworks to celebrate? Yours is such a great country. All we get is an influx of moose and maple-syrup orgies. Sometimes at the same time.)

Love, your backasswards Canadian cousin.