Crying fowl
Thursday, April 8, 2010 at 8:27PM My house is a few blocks away from the city park, in the middle of which is a huge man-made lake. It's really pretty, when it's not ripe with decaying algae or your escapee dog isn't taunting you from the middle of it while you scream ineffectually from the shore.
However, for the last three nights, I have been roused from my precious slumber at 3am by ducks. What sounds like hundreds of ducks, or geese, having a waterfowl rave. Or maybe an orgy.
(A whole new meaning to the phrase "fuck a duck".)
What is the most disturbing part of this is that I can't get back to sleep again. Any kind of sleeplessness is highly unusual for me; I can sleep anywhere, anytime. But something about the nasal honking of hundreds of ducks (with maybe a couple of screaming seagulls thrown in) gives me anxiety. They sound...French.
(Uh, nothing against the french, of course. Though if thousands of them converged on the lake in the wee hours of the morning, I probably wouldn't be pleased either.)
I complained at work this morning and got informed that they were returning from their winter migration. So I guess they all have to talk about their vacation? Whether they got the all-inclusive or just did the hostel thing?
Do they have to do it at 3am, though?
I asked hubby if he would mind slaughtering the ducks on his way home from work. He works the night shift and he's driving right past there; it's not like it would be out of his way. He said he'd consider it, and then on his way out the door he said, "So what am I doing on the way home? Hitting ducks with the car?"
Because I'm not tired ENOUGH, now I have to lay awake worrying about whether he's going to drive our car into the lake while trying to be chivalrous.
Inconsiderate fucking ducks.
Reader Comments (25)
OMG, maybe it's the double dose of Miller Hi Life talking, but that was HI-larious. Find you some good duck recipes girl! And don't let the husband have any Hi Life or he might just drive the car into the lake afterall. Nighty night!
I had no idea that ducks were nocturnal. Odd.
And I'd be pissed. I love me some sleep.
When we lived in winnipeg our house backed a forrest. I would have fucking CROWS outside my window every fucking morning. Morning being 4 am. I vividly remember lying in bed trying to think up ways to slaughter massive amounts of crows.
Yeah, birds just generally suck.
Asshole ducks. Fuck 'em!
Couldn't he just napalm them?
Presumably the lake was STILL pretty with your dog in it.
Ha!!! I can see the news now. Man drives into lake trying to slaughter waterfowl. Man almost drowns but is pulled to safety by town drunk.
Or something to that effect. LOL!
Not only are ducks loud; but they are messy too!
Good luck with your ducks. Hopefully they will leave or you will get used to their honking and quacking.
Be well
Hugs
SueAnn
Invest in a good set of earplugs. Maybe that would be enough to block the sound.
You could just have X throw giant loaves of bread at them.
Oh that would piss me the fuck off too.
Perhaps you could poison the water?
Oh, you made me laugh! I hope you're not wiping feathers off your car this morning...
You have my sympathy because your returning ducks have been down here all winter doing the SAME FRICKIN THING lol...we have a lake in the back of our apartment and you hear them fighting all the time!
ROTFLMAO! I'm never going to be able to say or hear fuck a duck again without thinking of this! Thanks for that :)
We had a crow problem until hubby took out the lead crow with his bb gun. Best thing that ever happened as they haven't been back. Hope the damn ducks move on soon so you can get back to sleep.
So how does this compare to the moosehead?
While the pond in our neighborhood is not next door, apparently the flight path to the pond is right over our house. So I feel your pain.
We apparently also have the backyard that is the direct line to the moose feeding area and regularly have giant piles of moose turds in our backyard. My biggest gripe about that, however, is that they are never out there when I am home! Those I would like to see. :)
You made me laugh too hard! Maybe poison a loaf a bread to throw at them?
Lydia
Boy have I missed you! Perhaps some white noise would help?
Here's what you do:
Step 1: Order a whole Peking Duck from your local Chinese food delivery.
Step 2: Tie a string to it.
Step 3: Hang it outside in view of the ducks with a sign saying 'Yum!'
That aughta do it.
It could be worse. They could be migrating kangaroos. I'd imagine they'd fight back.
Big, noisy birds really suck! The worst around Michigan might just be the Canadian geese. Not only are they loud & crap all over everything, they are protected. You can't even shoo one away as it is against the law. I think someone once got fined because their dog was chasing one. Hopefully, the ducks will find elsewhere to chat!
Hope the husband and the car made it home okay.
And hope the ducks get back to 'business as usual' and stop talking so much...
I've found generally ducks are assholes. We have flocks of them that live near the lake on the next block, they shit on everything and congregate in the middle of the street usually during rush hour. Maybe yours will hush up once they get their buddies caught up on the vacation details, share photos, maybe a slideshow or two.
Very clever post. :)
And now I am reminded of this book about a college professor. There was some issue with a duck in the novel. And the duck made it onto the cover art for the book. And I remember reading it and thinking that I would never, ever be able to consider my college professors the way I once had.
But I can't remember the name of the book. And it's driving me insane. Your ducks are just genius at pissing people off.
Your lucky, I have a bird in my attic that wakes us before we are READY to wake up!
I'm sorry for your loss of sleep but glad the fucking ducks finally left to go home. They're mean and annoying.