In lieu of

I'm posting one from the archives today, because I'm afraid if I start writing you will either get the ever-popular Post About Why I'm Not Posting, or something along the lines of "My uterus sucks my doctor sucks you all suck I just want another baaayyyybeeeeeeee whine cry gnashing of teeth". So. You're welcome.

This is actually not a post from my archives, this is a guest post I did over at Casey's place. It was a post for Club HASAY, the weight-loss club I've quietly dropped out of, mostly because Juliet thought it was a poor use of my time.

(Juliet is what I've christened my expanding ass.)

I suddenly remembered this post today while choking down my umpteenth celery stick for my 2 Week Resolution. Something about "I have done weirder things"...

Recently Casey made the comment that she thought HASAY was losing some people, as they hadn't updated in a while. I'm one of those people, but I'm still on the HASAY bandwagon. I just haven't accomplished a friggin' thing.

I've maintained my goal of working out at the gym 3 times a week, and they've been some pretty killer workouts. But that scale ain't budging.

Obviously I have to do something about the food front of this campaign. But here's the thing: I don't eat that badly. In fact, I eat pretty healthy. I have a healthy breakfast every day, a sandwich or soup for lunch, and chicken or steak with vegetables for dinner. There's very little snacking, and while I love dessert I only indulge once a week. Once a week I also have junk food for one meal - like pizza or take-out pasta, nothing deep fried. My one bad habit is a cup of coffee with cream and sugar every day. One. Cup. I am not convinced that my eating habits need changing. I could eliminate my few treats but I'm never going to maintain that as a LIFESTYLE.

So I started thinking that maybe there is some magical combination of WHICH foods I should eat. Somebody else's blog mentioned the Blood Type Diet. Hm. Maybe if I just eat more tomatoes and less pickled herring, I'll start dropping pounds? I looked it up. For my blood type (Type O), I am supposed to avoid breads and grains, severely limit dairy, only eat lean meats and fish, and drink nothing but water and green tea.

Well, no kidding. Fucking WHALES would lose weight on that diet. Actual whales.

South Beach, the Zone, Atkins - they all want me to drop an entire food group. That's just not going to happen in the long run.

To be perfectly honest, I would just accept that I'm not SUPPOSED to weigh 10 pounds less, except that my clothes don't fit.

So I was moping and eating my breakfast of Cheerios and a grapefruit (see??) and I saw that the newspaper was open to a full-page ad touting something called Eurowave. It offered an introductory session for $10 and guaranteed inch loss. It had 'before' and 'after' pictures and assured you that all you had to do was lie back and relax. It sounded like a ritzy version of the as-seen-on-tv zap-your-abs thingy. It sounded like a crock of shit.

So I called and made an appointment.

The "body sculpting" "clinic" had no sign and was in the back closet room of a hair salon, perhaps as a motivational strategy. Walking through a room full of skinny, stylish young blondes in heels certainly made ME feel like crap. It was at least a nice salon so even the back closet room had a spa kind of feel to it, which was relaxing. Although I gotta tell you, 'spa' does not say 'feelin' skinny' to me. It says, 'sit down with a glass of wine and have some dark chocolate while someone does your nails'.

But anyway. The technician, we'll call her Collette (because that was her name), had me fill out a form that basically swore I wasn't pregnant, mutated, an undercover FBI agent, or harbouring any kind of metal within my flesh. Then she asked me what part of my body I wanted to 'work on'.

Well, I was going to say 'my ass', except then I wouldn't have had the guts to ask her to take a picture:

I look a little freaked out.  It's because I was a little freaked out

See those yellow things? Those were sponges. As she was wiring me up it occurred to me that they electrocute criminals that way. Also, I look like a suicide bomber. Happy thoughts.

Collette cranked on the juice and since she had a captive audience, spent the next 18 minutes trying to sell me on a package of Eurowave sessions ($50 each, or $400 for ten, or $699 for 20, a freakin' bargain!). Every two minutes she would turn it up a notch.

"How is it feeling?" she asked me at one point.

"Like things are trying to crawl out from under my flesh?" I guessed at the right answer. (That, apparently, wasn't the right answer because her eyes got really wide and she didn't say much after that).

When my shock treatment was done she measured me up again and claimed that I had lost 1-3/4" around my waist. "You did really well!" she bubbled, impressed.

Um, yes. I'm a total pro at just LAYING THERE DOING NOTHING. I have that shit down to a science, which is why I'm here.

She made another stab at selling me a package but I think she could tell she'd lost me. (Although, to be honest, if I have to go to hubby's company Christmas party I may just be calling her up because every little bit counts when you're stacking up against 20-year-old waitresses). It just doesn't feel like I accomplished anything, no matter what her tape measure said. I had really high hopes of walking out of there and being mistaken for one of those rap wannabe teenagers whose pants are staying up through sheer will alone, but such was not the case.

My abs DO hurt a little now, though they're not supposed to (I guess I did it wrong? Can you do 'nothing' the wrong way?).

Maybe I'll give acupuncture a shot next time.

Or hypnosis.

"You are getting skiiinnnnny...."