I'm going to bench myself this week due to hormonal issues. My real-life BFF is stepping in, as she usually does, because she's way more together than me, and also she has 3 children so she doesn't have time to suffer from mental crises. I'll be back soon with the 'good' kind of crazy, in the meantime, enjoy!
Hello Everybody! It’s me! FoN! You have no idea who I am? That’s because I normally live here. I’m just a temp this week because Keely has finally made good on her threat to call in sick and has bestowed upon me the awesome responsibility of hosting RTT today. And I appreciate that because I have really sucked lately and I needed an assignment.
I bet you all have the goods on this already, but if you’re new around these parts here are your instructions – just write down the first random stuff that pops in your head. It’s like the Rorschach test of blogging.
But no one will be able to use it against you at any impending commitment hearings.
It’s Halloween this weekend and with three kids that is a big deal in my house. I have always loved Halloween and usually celebrate it with gusto. Gusto this year means working the refreshment table at my children’s elementary school Halloween dance. Twenty years ago I would have honoured Halloween by dressing up as a kitty/nurse/bunny and getting shitfaced while trying desperately to win the limbo contest at the bar. I was really just secretly happy to have an excuse to go out in public looking like a pre-op transsexual prostitute (who had whiskers/stethoscope/ears).
A few years after my dress-like-a-whore phase ended I did rock a pretty awesome Bride of Frankenstein costume. I found an old wedding dress at the thrift store and covered it in fake blood and then found a beauty school student willing to give me the hair. I spent 8 hours at the salon while she took my long, thick, curly hair and wove it around a basket, teased the living shit out of and then used an entire bottle of hairspray and about six hundred thousand bobby pins to keep it standing straight up. It looked awesome. The part I didn’t quite think through? Getting all that shit out of my hair at 3:00 am while drunk and puking. Trust me when I say it’s not easy vomiting up tequila and hotdog with three feet high Bride of Frankenstein hair.
I remember vividly sitting on the toilet with my head between my knees crying and swearing while trying to figure out how I would explain to my coworkers on Monday why there was a basket on my head.
It’s cooling off here at an alarming rate and it is inevitable that winter is just around the corner. I hate winter. Winter only has two redeeming qualities – the fact I will have no reason to wear shorts, tank-tops or bathing suits for at least eight months and I can use that time to convince myself that This Year! I will finally stick to that whole diet and exercise thing and then by the time summer rolls around next year I will be able to wear those shorts, tank-tops and bathing-suits with pleasure because I will be super thin and fabulous… and Christmas.
I’ve been so swamped at work lately I have finally talked the powers-that-be into letting me hire an assistant. I’m really grateful for the help, but I’ll be working with this person extremely closely and I need to not wish them dead. I can make most ‘work’ relationships positive, but this person will be with me the whole day every day and I need to actually like them. It’s super important, but I can’t tell if someone is cool by their resume. And If I hire someone who annoys the shit out of me I will be in a worse position than I am now. I want to ask them questions in the interview like, “Do others frequently tell you to shut the fuck up?” and “What do you think of Katy Perry songs?” and “If you had to have sex with either Glenn Beck or Satan, who would you choose?”
That last one is kind of a trick question because Glenn Beck IS Satan. Anyone who gets that question right I will hire immediately. I could train them up on the rest.
Alright…. I’ve probably outstayed my welcome now. I’m like that karaoke host who keeps getting up to sing his own songs even though he has had my request to sing Sister Christian for over an hour.
He’s an asshole.
I don’t want to be an asshole, so shuffle up and deal folks!