Batten down the hatches
Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at 6:05AM According to the Zombie Survival Guide, I am woefully ill-prepared. I don't have a crossbow. I don't have an armored car. I have a stupid dog that will bark and draw attention to us and my house will suck to defend.
(But where am I going to find a house on stilts for sale on the bald ass prairie?)
I'm sure that when I've mentioned these concerns before, you probably laughed and thought I was joking. But I'm not. I really do worry about what I'll do when the dead walk. I really do lay awake after I wake up from a nightmare, wondering whether it would make sense to build a perimeter wall.
Because if I'm worrying about that, I don't have to think about spending another day in a workplace I loathe. I don't have to dwell on how small my boss makes me feel, when he used to be a friend and all-round good guy but has somehow slowly turned into a selfish, uncaring asshole. I don't have to think about how I might turn into that same person if I can't find another job soon.
If I'm running through the mental exercise of how many cans of food I'd need to wait out hordes of the undead, then I'm not thinking about my stupid broken uterus. I'm not stressing about my self-imposed deadline for baby-making, which is horrifyingly close. I'm not gnashing my teeth about not being able to get in to see a specialist for months, someone who might not be able to fix me but at least could tell me my options.
If I'm considering a weapon for close-range combat with a reanimated corpse, then I'm not considering the range of human horrors this society could inflict upon my son. I'm not stressing about things in his future that are years away, like what school to send him to and whether to drive him everywhere and how he'll react to peer pressure. I'm not letting myself think that his weird toddler quirks might be signs of something more.
If I'm planning and worrying about something that will never happen, then I am not wasting time bemoaning things I have little to no control over.
The other day I ditched on a coffee date with my friend Fashionista, because I was so tired and crabby and I just didn't deserve to be interacting with people. She told me I was allowed to have an 'off' day, I have a lot of stress. I said I didn't think I had any more stress than anybody else.
She said, "I think you do."
And while I still don't think I have any more stress than anybody else, I'm willing to concede that yes, indeed, I do have stress.
I mean, I can NOT find a half-decent machete ANYWHERE.
Reader Comments (35)
I know this doesn't help...but whatever is to be, will be. I am the biggest worry wart this side of the East Coast...but sometimes you just have to sit back and stop. It's not good for you mentally, or physically.
What about a pickax? You're in Canada; they must sell pickaxes in the grocery store.
Hang tight, woman.
xo
I was actually thinking about something similar, having seen "Book of Eli" this past weekend. I might take up archery and martial arts as a hobby, just in case.
I also thought about digging an underground bunker- but I suppose that will have to wait until I own some land.
Then I considered storing bottles of water in one of my closets. But that just seems impractical.
So really, I suppose that martial arts and archery will have to sustain me in some fashion.
Take a deep breath. Now, let's take this one at a time.
There is no need for a perimeter wall because you are in the frozen north. The zombies will be too sluggish to climb even a picket fence.
Not getting into to get the uterus fixed; let's call that proper child spacing.
Human horrors? People suck, it's a given. Let's call that a personal enlightenment.
See you can put lipstick on anything and make it look good.
I know none of that helps but if you found it the least bit amusing then my job it done.
And yet even with all that stress (and yes, it does sound like quite a bit), you're still able to make us laugh.
Hang in...
You need a shotgun! Tons of ammo, and aim for the head! That should get you through unmom! Good luck!!!
Potential Armageddon is what got me through adolescence. We grew up Jehova's Witnesses.
Any hope of taking a machete to that loathsome job and finding something better suited? My grandfather has quite a collection, I'll ship you one. He uses them to trim the hedges...
You know, with all this zombie talk, has anyone considered the zombies and how they feel? Or the vegetarian zombies who can't eat meat out of respect for the living? What about them? Sure there are support groups for the humans afraid of being attacked by zombies, but what about the zombies?
I hear you on the job and the boss situation. I would like to find another job, I'm really only here for the health benefits anymore. Which is really sad. My husband doesn't get any, though he did find a job in this econ. When your job is icky, it can really sap the happiness out of you, no matter how nice your home or social life is.
I've not been thinking about the weapons as much as the twinkies. I don't even LIKE Twinkies, but then Talahassee had to go and put that thought in my head and now I'm like, "What if I want a Twinkie and can't find one?" God forbid I happen upon a truck full of nasty Snowballs. I don't mind the coconut, it's the gaggy marshmellow I can't stand.
Ah, such is life!
Let's see. You have a sucky job and an asshole for a boss!! Maybe you could place raw meat around your job building and lead them directly to your boss?? Then while they are engaged...go find that machete. Or better yet..the shotgun someone else suggested. That will get her done!
Best of luck!!
Hugs
SueAnn
Ditto on the frozen north=sluggish zombies. No worries.
The job thing sounds like a real source of grinding, day-to-day stress. It has come through more in your posts lately. What steps could you take to start getting out of that place? Can you envision what to do first?
The other stuff might take care of itself with time, not that it doesn't make you crazy in the meantime.
xoxo
b
At least the Zombies work to get your mind off stuff. I do the same thing, only I'm planning out the perfect underground home to live in if a comet hits earth(too many shows on History and National Geographic). What ever works. Hope things improve soon.
Oh, Keely honey I feel for you and your stress. We should all endeavor to only stress about that which we have direct control over.
BTW, what would you build the perimeter wall out of? Would there be spikes on top? Are zombies deterred by spikes?
One machete coming up:
http://www.lehmans.com/store/Tools___Farm___Hand_Tools___Machete_Plus___48112?Args=
The have scythes and pitchforks, too.
Do wooden stakes work for those sorts of things - or is that only for vampires?! As for your broken uterus...you can always rent one!!
~WM
Isn't it amazing how your mind is trying to shield you from the everyday stress by giving you an "imaginary" one. What won't it think up next.
Also, same situation with the boss. Was a cheerleader and then turned into a selfish, self-centered, punk. He apparently needed to flex his executive muscle and exert his need to show his power and detachment, like that made him a better boss or something.
Kicked him and the job to the curb.
I feel ya. I plot these endless scenarios of what I will do if "this" happens to try to distract myself from what is really happening.
So waking up after a nightmare about snakes is helping me not lay awake thinking about how the rest of the world is sucking the life out of us? Well, now. I never thought of it that way. Thanks.
I'm with Fashionista. You're a little high on the stress list. Just the job thing puts you above most people. You need a vacation. Somewhere zombie free.
That's life when you have kids. The 'what if's' and worry will NEVER go away either, so you need to just live with them. Sorry, I know that's not helpful news.
Focus on the job situation. You can actually do something about that.
Just found your blog today by way of Half as Good As You. I really enjoyed it. You kind of think like I do!
When the zombies arrive just show them a picture of your boss and give them a map to find him. Two problems solved.
The dead do walk, Keely. They all work at my neighborhood Home Depot. They must all be zombi-fied or they would be able to be more helpful...
And it's perfectly natural to sweat the surreal stuff when everyday life makes you want to lose your mind.
Check People of Walmart for the machete. There's probably one there.
Thanks for the great perspective. I, too, will start planning for a zombie attack.