Ex-Boyfriend Greatest Hits: A series in, um, let's say 5 parts
Thursday, September 10, 2009 at 6:05AM So, not having a lot of blogging mojo lately, I turned to my usual muse: FoN.
"I need a blog subject," I whined. Last time I did this, she suggested the masterpiece (snort) that was Are You Dissin' My Man. This time, she did me one better:
"Why don't you do an old boyfriend review, ala High Fidelity? You're getting married now, so you can reflect."
Well that's just...fucking brilliant! And highly embarrassing. Really, her talents are wasted working for the government. She oughta be in show business, pitching ideas for reality tv.
So I'm going to list them in chronological order and kick off this little project with All The Guys I Dated in High School. FoN suggested amalgamating them all into one, globular Highschool Boyfriend, but while I didn't date any of them for long, and they do tend to blend together sometimes, they all played their specific role. There was:
FIRST BOYFRIEND WHO WAS ALSO EVERYBODY ELSE'S FIRST BOYFRIEND. You know the type - targets girls who are new to the scene and just blanket bombs them all with affection until one takes the bait. And then, when they figure out he's kind of an idiot (usually about 3 weeks), moves on quickly to the next one and professes his undying love on her doorstep. My First Boyfriend was also my best friend's First Boyfriend, and the First Boyfriend of another girl in our circle of friends. After First Boyfriend, there was:
FIRST OLDER BOYFRIEND WHO WASN'T THAT GOOD LOOKING OR INTERESTING EITHER BUT HEY, HE WAS OLDER. Like, 5 years older and able to drink legally. I often wonder how badly my mom had to bite her tongue about this. It took me a lot longer to figure out First Older Boyfriend was also an idiot, because hey! He was older. And had a car and parents who were rarely home. He spent a lot of the time his parents weren't home inviting me over and pressuring me to sleep with him. No, thanks. I'm saving myself for:
REALLY HOT CRUSH WHO FEIGNS INTEREST BUT ONLY WHEN HIS SLUTTY GIRLFRIEND IS UNAVAILABLE, REPEATEDLY BREAKING MY HEART. He had warm brown eyes, long brown hair and looked smokin' in tight jeans and hightop sneakers. Do we need more details? No. I would have given it up for him, but couldn't acquire an appropriate venue (satin sheets covered in rose petals) before his on-again, off-again slut girlfriend came to her senses and stole him back. Crushed, I swore off hot bad boys and set my sights on:
THE NICE NEW GUY AT SCHOOL. Actually, it didn't hurt that he was hot, too. He was 6 feet tall and had hair like CC from Poison. Swoon. But he really was a nice guy. A nice, intelligent, funny, caring guy. So, naturally, I kicked him to the curb. Because this was high school, duh. And I was perplexed by a boyfriend who didn't try to stick his hand down my pants at every awkward opportunity.
(Later, when Nice Guy went into Theatre in university, we all nodded knowingly. Of course! Nobody straight was that nice. But now he's married to a lovely woman, and he became a cop. Whoops. That'll teach us for being stereotyping assholes.)
Somewhere around this point I decided that virginity was an overrated commodity, and to hell with satin sheets and fucking rose petals. So I ended up with:
THE "FIRST" GUY, WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE KNOWWHATIMEAN. I dated him for about 3 weeks. At the first available opportunity - the back room at a loud house party - I let him get me naked. I think I saw him twice after that. One of those times was like 3 weeks later, when, after not calling me for 2 of those weeks, he came to my house to tell me I was a slut because he'd heard I was making out with some other guy at the drive-in. Which, y'know, was true. But in my defense, two weeks is a LONG time in the high school dating world. I'd assumed he was dead.
With that pesky hymen out of the way, it paved the road for all kinds of dating opportunities.
So of course I stayed single until just before graduation. THAT guy will be the next in this series. When I get around to it.
Reader Comments (32)
FoN is totally brilliant. Mind if I steal/borrow...okay more steal than borrow this idea?
What is it about bad boys that we always fall for them? They are like the sun that all the girls swooned around.
I'm bothered by the fact that I can only figure out who three out of the five on here are. Send me an email with real identities, would ya?
Okay, this is... crap. Women can get away with divulging all this, and tee hee, giggle, giggle. A guy does this and WHAM! Frying pan up side the head.
I deleted any post that referenced my old girlfriend and got rid of all the painting of her that I had done because it was obvious that it bothered her. But she gets a friend request from an old boyfriend on Facebook and it's, "Hey look, I dated this guy." When I make a weird face she says, "But don't worry, Hon, I got you now" in a tone that sounds like she won the board game version of the game show she had competed in. sigh.
PS - I'm totally exaggerating here for dramatic affect.
PSS - Yeah, guys have their double standards too so it's all par for the course.
Hah, I'm so pathetic. I could count the number of girls I've slept with on one hand, and I wouldn't need all my fingers (or my thumb). Strangely enough my first girlfriend was in like Grade 6 or something.
This was incredibly enlightening. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your review.
In fact, I will probably spend the rest of my day determining "Who's Who" within my own history of boyfriends.
Oy!
I have no intentions of releasing my past boyfriends. My MOTHER reads my blog!
So funny! Am snickering to self, which is confusing my cats a lot.
I'm saving my exes for that college novel I always swore I'd write (a first draft exists but it needs a lot of work - like, a literary Complete Makeover with Botox and a full-body lift...)
I look forward to part 2!
2 weeks is like 2 billion years in teen time. I am convinced of this. If only because I see it from my own teenager.
wait a minute, are those MY exboyfriends, or yours? except for the poision hair guy. mine had red hair in one of those asymetrical hair cuts. oh, and my "older guy?" NIPPLE RINGS. two of them. OMG I was FIFTEEN. what was i thinking???
sigh, yeah, i know.
Wow. That is a brilliant suggestion.
I love it.
God, ex-boyfriends are universally so much fun to diss.
Yep, I was one of those "nice guys". The one that none of the girls was interested in, even though I was a decent looking guy. All the popular and attractive girls were into the "bad boys". Or should I say, they were "into" them.
I met my wife much later in life, and she always told me that in her younger years, if she had a choice between a nice guy who was going to take her out for ice cream, or the dude who was going to take her for a beer....it was a no brainer.
Nice guys finish last.
I'm one-upping you Jenni, my Older Guy was when I was fourteen. And he was twenty! (This, by the way, totally disgusts me now.) And, me being such an economical-type person, he was pretty much all the rest of them rolled into one really lame package. (Except for the New Guy, because, well, you know, he was the Older Guy.)
Glad I finally nabbed my nice guy. Even if it did take about six years of suckage to knock enough sense into me first.
Also, my parents read my blog too, so I'm gonna follow SK's example with this one. I don't need to put them through all that again.
I'm familiar with most - especially the older, not-so-hot guy. You were the smart one. I lasted like 17 months with mine. Up until I met the huge-asshole-who-became-my-first-husband. Ew.
Did I say that out loud?
That last comment was from me, and not the lame anonymous Heather. (dang home email account...)
PESKY HYMEN!!!!!!! I might stop laughing before I go to bed tonight! hahahaha!
Ahhhh. High School boyfriends. Oh the memories...... Ok, now let's move on to something else. For me that is. I LOVE to hear about other people's ex boyfriends.
"two weeks is a LONG time in the high school dating world. I'd assumed he was dead."
Hilarious!! I love this post and may steal the idea sometime if the mood strikes if you don't mind. :)
FoN is a genius. I think I dated a couple of those guys too, if not all of them.
Hmm? I wonder if any of my old girlfriends have blogs.
FoN is brilliant! But then, you knew that already. I can't stop laughing on this part:
"two weeks is a LONG time in the high school dating world. I'd assumed he was dead."
Amen to that! The high school dating world measures time like dog years, doesn't it? :)
What an awesome idea. I'd totally steal it, but mine would read:
Guy With A Temper Who Hides Temper For A Full Year (Way To Go Guy's Self-Control) Until I'm Already Madly In Love And Dumb Enough To Spend The Next 9 Years With Him, Including A Year-Long Marriage And, Finally, A Bitter Divorce.
That would be the whole, boring post. I like your love life better.
Holy effing shit. I thought I was the only one who had the "share-a-boy" in my school. We all dated Jeff VanBuren in 3rd grade. That lucky bastard.
I never had a boyfriend named Biff. I always wanted a boyfriend named Biff.
I had the same first three boyfriends as you but you one upped me with the rest. Nice idea, FoN!