Ex-Boyfriend Greatest Hits: A series in, um, let's say 5 parts

So, not having a lot of blogging mojo lately, I turned to my usual muse: FoN.

"I need a blog subject," I whined. Last time I did this, she suggested the masterpiece (snort) that was Are You Dissin' My Man. This time, she did me one better:

"Why don't you do an old boyfriend review, ala High Fidelity? You're getting married now, so you can reflect."

Well that's just...fucking brilliant! And highly embarrassing. Really, her talents are wasted working for the government. She oughta be in show business, pitching ideas for reality tv.

So I'm going to list them in chronological order and kick off this little project with All The Guys I Dated in High School. FoN suggested amalgamating them all into one, globular Highschool Boyfriend, but while I didn't date any of them for long, and they do tend to blend together sometimes, they all played their specific role. There was:

FIRST BOYFRIEND WHO WAS ALSO EVERYBODY ELSE'S FIRST BOYFRIEND. You know the type - targets girls who are new to the scene and just blanket bombs them all with affection until one takes the bait. And then, when they figure out he's kind of an idiot (usually about 3 weeks), moves on quickly to the next one and professes his undying love on her doorstep. My First Boyfriend was also my best friend's First Boyfriend, and the First Boyfriend of another girl in our circle of friends. After First Boyfriend, there was:

FIRST OLDER BOYFRIEND WHO WASN'T THAT GOOD LOOKING OR INTERESTING EITHER BUT HEY, HE WAS OLDER. Like, 5 years older and able to drink legally. I often wonder how badly my mom had to bite her tongue about this. It took me a lot longer to figure out First Older Boyfriend was also an idiot, because hey! He was older. And had a car and parents who were rarely home. He spent a lot of the time his parents weren't home inviting me over and pressuring me to sleep with him. No, thanks. I'm saving myself for:

REALLY HOT CRUSH WHO FEIGNS INTEREST BUT ONLY WHEN HIS SLUTTY GIRLFRIEND IS UNAVAILABLE, REPEATEDLY BREAKING MY HEART. He had warm brown eyes, long brown hair and looked smokin' in tight jeans and hightop sneakers. Do we need more details? No. I would have given it up for him, but couldn't acquire an appropriate venue (satin sheets covered in rose petals) before his on-again, off-again slut girlfriend came to her senses and stole him back. Crushed, I swore off hot bad boys and set my sights on:

THE NICE NEW GUY AT SCHOOL. Actually, it didn't hurt that he was hot, too. He was 6 feet tall and had hair like CC from Poison. Swoon. But he really was a nice guy. A nice, intelligent, funny, caring guy. So, naturally, I kicked him to the curb. Because this was high school, duh. And I was perplexed by a boyfriend who didn't try to stick his hand down my pants at every awkward opportunity.

(Later, when Nice Guy went into Theatre in university, we all nodded knowingly. Of course! Nobody straight was that nice. But now he's married to a lovely woman, and he became a cop. Whoops. That'll teach us for being stereotyping assholes.)

Somewhere around this point I decided that virginity was an overrated commodity, and to hell with satin sheets and fucking rose petals. So I ended up with:

THE "FIRST" GUY, WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE KNOWWHATIMEAN. I dated him for about 3 weeks. At the first available opportunity - the back room at a loud house party - I let him get me naked. I think I saw him twice after that. One of those times was like 3 weeks later, when, after not calling me for 2 of those weeks, he came to my house to tell me I was a slut because he'd heard I was making out with some other guy at the drive-in. Which, y'know, was true. But in my defense, two weeks is a LONG time in the high school dating world. I'd assumed he was dead.

With that pesky hymen out of the way, it paved the road for all kinds of dating opportunities.

So of course I stayed single until just before graduation. THAT guy will be the next in this series. When I get around to it.