Don't forget your hammer pants
Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 7:00AM Today's guest poster is our favorite Churchpunkmom from Embellished Truth and Polite Fiction. It takes real skill to weave zombies, ninjas, AND nudity into one story, and I'm in awe. For realz. This woman is going places. Hopefully she always takes her dayglo hammer pants.
Hello, this is ChurchPunkMom from Embellished Truth and Polite fiction. Keely asked me to guest post for her and after doing a happy dance all over my rather large house, I sat down, caught my breath, and came up with this story for all you fine readers of the UnMom. She requested something along the lines of "zombies.. and ninjas.. oh! and nudity!" and this is what I came up with.. Enjoy.
For more Embellished Truth and Polite Fiction, feel free to visit my blog.
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Whoosh..
Keely startled and looked up. What on earth?? she wondered. She peered around the small cabin living room in the early morning darkness. She cupped the mug of hot dark liquid with both hands and let it saturate her face with it's warmth as she huddled close to the glow of the flames in the brick fireplace.
She saw nothing.
She heard nothing.
Keely wriggled deeper into the well-worn leather arm chair, a fleece blanket wrapped tightly around her. It was strangely cold for an early October morning. Not that it was never chilly at this time of year, being so far north, that wasn't strange at all. But this particular morning just felt.. odd. The air was cold, the kind of cold that made your eyes hurt and your fingers stiff. It was cold and still, and oddly damp, giving the pre-dawn dark a heaviness she'd never felt before.
Shoomp..
This time Keely felt the air around her shift. Moving with it, she turned just in time to see the swinging door of the kitchen move ever so slightly.. Her heart jumped into her throat and her breath quickened. She jumped just enough to slosh some coffee onto her lap.
"Shit." she muttered under her breath as she did her best to set down the mug without making a sound.
Keely turned, eyes trained on the kitchen door, and rose silently from her chair, gathering her blanket tightly around her as she padded softly across the wooden floor. Her eyes never left the door and she thanked every last start in the sky for her feet not making a sound as she stepped.
She wished she wasn't there alone.
Suddenly the need for a break was not nearly so overwhelming and she wished she hadn't come a couple of days ahead of her husband. She wished he was here.
Keely reached the door and softly pushed it open. much to her surprise, she was greeted through the darkness by a rather white set of cheeks. Ass cheeks, to be precise.
"What the hell!?" she exclaimed oddly enough that the sound of her voice mad her jump. The stranger, however, was un-fazed by her shock. He merely glance over his shoulder at her with an amused grin as he stirred his coffee. It was then that she noticed what appeared to be a sheathed samurai sword tied to his back with a strip of black cloth that cross-crossed around and across his body like some bizarre combination of a greco-roman sandal and papasan. It was just enough to hold the weapon firmly in place while also covering his.. well.. his man bits.
Keely stood there, unmoving, and drooling just a little, as the stranger turned to face her. He leaned against the counter, crossing one leg in front of the other and said, "Shhhh.." as he raised his mug to his lips, his dark eyes examining her from under a black mask.
"Who the hell are you?" Keely hissed at him in a whisper.
"I'm a ninja."
"Um.. yeah. What the hell are you doing in my cabin at 5 in the morning?"
"Zombies." he replied rather succinctly. "But don't worry, I already killed most of them. " he added, taking another sip of coffee.
"Oh my god.. You've got to be shitting me!" Keely blurted out as she held onto the door frame for fear of falling over.
He just stared at her.
"Oh. You're not. Crap." Keely wanted to pinch herself but was too afraid of not waking up to do so. "Wait.. did you say 'most of them' are dead?"
"Yeah.." he replied casually, swirling the coffee in his cup and taking another swig. "No big. I'm sure they'll all be here shortly with all the ruckus you've made."
"Damn." Keely said quietly , turning a lovely shade of beet red, and biting her lip. "So... um.. Why are you naked?"
"Because I'm a ninja."
"Dude.. Last I checked ninjas wear clothes." she said.
"Lady. Clothing causes friction. Friction causes sound. Skin is stealthy... and sexy." he added with a wink.
Keely rolled her eyes. "But to fight zombies?? Can't they... you know.. smell you??"
"No." Ninja answered letting out hearty chuckle. "Like I said I'm a ninja. Besides, zombies are slow. By the time they catch wind of me, it's to late for them." he explained, making a slicing motion across his neck with one hand.
Just then they heard a loud crash in the living room. Keely spun around, dropping her blanket on the floor and revealing her hyper-color t-shirt and fluorescent orange and black Hammer pants. Three of the zombies that had entered her cabin dropped dead from the horror of her hideous early 90s fashion. She looked back over her shoulder but the ninja was already gone - coffee cup already washed and set carefully in the dish drying rack.
Turning back to the living room, Keely watched the ninja work - or rather watched the effects of his work, as he was merely a blur of skin and sword - as he flipped ans pun through the small cabin, slaying zombies and tossing the now twice-dead carcasses out onto the lawn.
As the final undead villains were vanquished, he slid his sword back in it's sheath and turned to her once more.
"Well, all finished!" he announced.
"That's it then?" she asked, a little taken aback at his brevity.
"Yep. Thanks for the coffee.. and your.. uh.. help," he added as he examined her outfit and wrinkled his nose.
"You're welcome." she answered, folding her arms across her chest. "Never underestimate the power of comfy clothes."
"Um.. yeah. Well, I guess I'll be going then!"
"But... but what if they come back??" she asked, sounding a little uneasy and maybe a tad desperate.
"Don't worry." he answered. "Just.. uh.. don't change."
"Alright." Keely answered. "But please.. get your shit off my lawn."
Reader Comments (15)
Just curios, wouldn't be naked get in the way of the sword, you know the third leg?
Hammer pants and Hypercolor shirt, nice PJ's!!
I LOVE IT. Who knew ninjas, zombies, and hammer pants could meld so beautifully in a piece of fiction to rival the classics.
By the by, hammer pants really do cause death.
hammer pants make me wet myself.
thanks for letting me guest post, Keely!! :)
Wow. Ummm... yeah. Wow. I'm impressed. Keely, have you learned nothing of the evils of the early 90's? Although, if the hyper-color neon orange tee and hammer pants are going to help kill zombies, I say, let's stock up before the zombie apocalypse.
And all you folks who are now in awe of the ChurchPunkMom. I hang out with her. Be jealous of me. I'm jealous of me.
You know... this story is not original... this is the story of how churchpunkmom and I met... I was the one wearing the hammer pants... she was the ninja... i fell in love with her at that moment when i found her drinking coffee...
awe... you're so sweet... and those zombies are still dead.
Naked ninjas and MC Hammer pants? This sounds like giving our LG a bath...
I was mezmorized, captivated. Two thumbs up.
"Strangely cold?" The woman lives on the tundra. Strangely cold is August for her. (It is totally exceptable for Canadians to make fun of other Canadians)
Great post, CPM.
I'm stunned, awed, and amazed! Excellent story! See? All the zombies are dead? Can they stay dead for a while?
Nice work following the assignment and fitting it all in there perfectly! My husband's away this week, should I be on the lookout for ninjas and zombies too?
zombies, nijas, and nudity. oh my!
that was fun
Nice job. Keely can you send the naked Ninja over to my place. I haven't got a zombies I just want to see a naked Ninja. It will be a first.
I've never really been intrigued by Zombies. But Ninjas and nekkidness.... always! Thanks for making me laugh!
Oh, and I love the mention of her outfit. I think it totally fits her! Ha!
Now that was the best Ninja/Zombie story I've ever read! ;)