As I may have mentioned, I'm away on vacation this week. But it's okay! Don't cry! I've lined up some amazing people to tell you stories while I'm gone. I'm not really sure how this happened, but the theme for the guests this week ended up being teh naked. So if you're easily offended, first off, I have no fucking idea what you're doing here. And secondly, you may want to avert your sensitive eyes.
First guest blogger
on the chopping block is Captain Dumbass, of Us and Them. Coincidentally to this story, it's his anniversary today! So head on over there when you're done here and wish him lots of happy anniversary nookie.
So a week or so ago, Keely sent out this email asking for some guest posts while she's off on holiday. I'm not sure how many of us were on that list, but we were obviously the wrong group of people to ask and leave unsupervised. Somehow the theme ended up as nudity/and or nude blogging. There may have been another subject as well, but I'm not touching that one. Ok.
Picture, if you will...
*cheesy tv special effects*
It's November of 1996, and a young Supreme Leader and Captain Dumbass have finally saved up enough money after their August wedding to fly off to Maui for their honeymoon. (And in hindsight, that worked out well, 'cause Maui in August? What's the point?) Ah...? Where was I going with this? Sorry, left to get some ice cream and now I've kinda lost my train of thought. Actually, that's not it at all. I reread what I'd done and decided I really didn't want to tell it from the third person but I'm also too lazy to go back and rewrite it. Are you a regular at the Un-Mom's and don't know me? Ya, it's not going to get any better.
Anyway, things did not get off to a smooth start. I got to the airport and realized I'd forgotten my passport at home and only had my drivers license for ID. Lucky for me, the US Customs guys took pity on me and let me board the plane anyway, though that may have had more to do with wanting to avoid the paper work and court appearances that would have resulted in my wife murdering me in front of them. So ya, they let me board the plane with only my drivers license. The world was a different place then. After that it was all good. The flight was great and we sat beside an interesting guy, Rob, who was flying over for a wedding. And another aside here, who the hell gets flown to exotic islands for other peoples weddings? Bastards.
So yadda yadda, island paradise, blah blah blah. Our first full day there we find this beach called 'Big Beach.' It's beautiful. Right beside it though, nestled between two old lava outflows is 'Little Beach,' which is even more beautiful, secluded and nude. When in Rome, right? I convince my young bride that we should check it out, after all, not like we're going to run into anybody we know.
Ah... there's nothing like warm sunshine on your bits where the 'sun don't shine' and everyone should swim in warm ocean water naked at least once in their lives and holy shit, is that Rob from the plane? Of course it is! Heh heh, ya, what a coincidence, Rob. Yep, sure is beautiful. I mean, aside from the millions of tiny daggers been fired into my back right now. Hurt? They sure do, probably not as much as they will later. What? Oh no, I put LOTS of sun tan lotion on. Thanks.
But then he left and the sun was still warm and so was the ocean and we were still on our honeymoon so whatever. Until the next day. We stop by a grocery store to pick up some food when we hear a voice yell out from behind us, "hey! It's the nudies!" Oh yes, it's our old friend Rob from the plane again, only this time he's with his aunt and uncle whom he proceeds to remind that this is the couple he'd been talking about the night before. You know, the ones from the plane who were on the nude beach? Yes, Rob, that was us. The Nudies. Ha. Ya, funny. Still. Um, your aunt is starting to creep me out a little. Inappropriate.
So, the moral of the story (moral? Ahahahah) if you find yourself thinking 'what the hell? It's not like anybody knows us here,' keep doing whatever you were going to do. Hell, you only live once. Screw you, Rob.