My Secret Garden is not very secret
Thursday, May 7, 2009 at 6:55AM You know that saying, "Good fences make good neighbours"? I'd like to add a clause. Chain-link fences, despite their appeal for people like me (no maintenance! Can potentially be electrified in the event of the zombie apocalypse!), do not have the same effect.
Don't get me wrong. I really like our neighbours and their massive selection of tools that they lend freely chattiness. I really don't mind shooting the breeze when they're outside, except that they're the sort of leathery specimens who are outside all. the. fucking. time. Seriously. Unless there's hail or it's 40 below, they are outside from the asscrack of dawn until wee hours of the morning. And that chain link fence leaves me nowhere to hide.
"Oh, hey, how are ya? I mean, any different than when I saw you 20 minutes ago? No? Um, I'm just going to weed my garden here then and try not to provide you with any cleavage shots or blatant plumber butt, okay?"
"Oh, yeah, well, all those leaves...from last fall...I feel awkwardly obliged to comment on those, and how I swear I will be removing them soon, because normally you wouldn't see them at all but because of this fucking see-through fence they're providing a stark contrast to your immaculately manicured lawn. It must be nice to be retired, huh?"
Having said that, I'm really going to miss those people and their encyclopaedic knowledge of gardening friendly ways. Because as of next week, we get NEW neighbours. And I know practically nothing about them, except that they're a man and a woman who are just friends (this was relayed with a meaningful cough) and have some form of progeny (Age? Gender? Quantity? Potential to be hanging around the back alley with their thug friends? No idea). I hope they're not whackjobs.
I especially hope they're dog people, because my dog...is a dog. She doesn't "think she's people". She's well aware that she's a DOG, and that by definition she is obliged to bark at strangers, other dogs, the garbage truck, and stray scraps of paper. She enjoys her job. She also shits in the backyard, because I can't seem to get her to flush the toilet, and I get around to picking that up like, twice a year. Whether it needs it or not.
The existing neighbours are dog people, and have two dogs of their own. Theirs are better behaved (a rabid wolverine would be better behaved), but they're a lot more tolerant of her canine shenanigans than NON dog people would be. With the leaves and the dog poop and the generally dishevelled state of my yard, we're already perilously close to being those neighbours.
Think I can put up a new fence in a week?
Reader Comments (39)
I wasn't going to torture you with more nightmare material, but since you brought up zombies, just wanted you to know about "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" (http://www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejudice-Zombies-Classic-Ultraviolent/dp/1594743347)
I also thought of you the other day when my best friend said that she'd know when she'd met her soul mate because he'll be able to respond to the question, "What's your zombie contingency plan?" with detailed instructions and maps.
I feel your pain - especially when we literally have an invisible fence so there's no escaping the 'small talk' from the neighbors. Not only are they outside all the time (and becoming more leathery looking by the year), but they'll have a gaggle of friends all congregating over there during the summertime - raucous and loud...and muscle cars galore...I try to time my gardening to when it seems no one is around - you know, like the wee hours of the morning...heh, heh!
Hopefully your new neighbors will be dog people - I'll be looking forward to any blog fodder they provide you! ;)
Hope the new neighbors aren't a-holes. There is always that possibility. The old folks that used to live in our house before us were a bit on the jerk-wad side - he walked around with a pistol in his pocket and was prone to threatening unsavory types and their pets with certain death. Our welcome to the neighborhood was more like relief. "We're so glad you people aren't a-holes." Mostly, we're not. Although we do have a wood fence to avoid the unnecessary chit chat.
LOL My dog is a DOG, too. She barks at air sometimes when she feels the notion.
You can put a new fence up in a week. Privacy is a beautiful thing!
When you mentioned your secret garden, I thought you were talking code for your va-jay-jay garden. I roll with the classic French triangle.
great friendly not to friendly but personable new neighbour vibes.
Well, look at it this way - if the new neighbors are of the cohabitational type with offspring, chances are they are the exact opposite of the current, retired folks with nothing better to do than tend an immaculate lawn (you've just described our next door neighbors, btw).
Maybe in the near future your dog, dog poop and leaves are going to be on the classy side of the fence.
Not that you're not already classy, or anything. Of course you are. Maybe I should just pry my foot out of my mouth and go about my business.
Yeah, I think so too.
you know, I always totally forget you are from canada until you do something quirky like toss a "u" in "neighbors." I know it's terribly American of me, but I just think that "u" is so gratituitous.
Good luck w/the new neighbours.
I, too, thought this was a vajayjay convo. Though, I'm kinda glad it's not. Yeah... I'm kin to the perfect neighbor... immaculate yard WITH lots of gardening experience that are dog people who don't care what your yard really looks like until you try to rebuild your house from scratch and don't clean up the mess. Without contractors. :) Or if you have plumbing paraphenalia in your yard (and by paraphenalia, I do mean the commode).
I hope your new neighbors put up the privacy fence so you don't have to do the work and mind their own business, but will lend tools freely, and are dog people. :D
I would also much rather have a privacy fence. However, those are expensive and I'm not rich! I just took to planting scrubs to hide the neighbors!
I say roll with it. I mean, if they are evil and nasty, you guys can just pretend not to understand English or that you are deaf. It works.
Ha! This will be interesting!
My goal in life is to live in an isolated area with the nearest neighbor at least 3 miles down to road! Good luck with the newbies :)
You dog is a DOG. My dog is a Lizard. It picks a spot in the backyard and stares at the air waiting for a fly to snap at. Then he chews it, swallows it, and shines his doggy smile while he waits for another.
Move the chain link in a few feet and plant explosives between it and the new fence. And while you're doing it you may as well electrify the chain link now.
I thought the Secret Garden was going in a totally different direction.
Three words for you: FAST GROWING VINE. Plant one.
a rabid wolverine! twice a year whether it needs it or not! you crack me up!
this is a good time to mosey over to lowes or the Canadian version of lowes and buy some bamboo reed fence. its cheap, easy put up on your side of the chain link and private. although it might fall over in the winter.
Good luck with the new neighbors. We are the neighbors with the horrible yard and the very loud dog (in fact, a large part of the reason we have the horrible yard is because of the very loud dog). Our neighborhood all pretty much try to get along with each other. It makes things much easier.
I love my neighbors and would be so sad if they moved. Don't move, neighbors, okay? Stay. Good. Wanna treat?
I once had a dog who thought she was a cat. Her excessive attempts at purring freaked out our neighbors.
Wow, yeah, exciting and scary at the same time. It's funny that you don't miss someone until they're.. replaced by non-dog people.
If they do turn out to be whackjobs, I'd just move. To the country.
::Sigh::
I wish I had a backyard!
And yeah, I'd probably put up a fence. I wonder if there's a screen you can attach to the chain fence to give more privacy without the expense of a new fence?
New neighbors are always a challenge. I mostly worry if they are saner than I am. I would rather not be the freaky one on the block.
I send good vibes for people who like rabid dogs...