Dreamy suburban warfare: Random Tuesday Thoughts
Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 4:16AM 
I thought I'd center the button today. It feels weird and slightly dirty.
So, how's it going? Come here often? Yeah? Well everything you heard about me is a lie and you already know how this works.
New here? Really. Well how YOU doin'? Want to play some games?
Blog games! Blog games! Not any of that other weird shit. Here's how it works: You write a totally rambling and potentially incoherent post, you take that shiny purple button up there, and you use it to justify what would normally make your followers wander off in confusion. Then you leave your link with Mr. Linky and the rest of us can TRY to follow along! Bonus points if you manage to offend people!
No, not really. I made that last part up. Let's begin:
So I know I blog-threatened our house mouse last week, but then with the whole detox/cleanse thing and my son getting sick, I didn't really have time to wage full-out war. I put out a couple of token traps, just to let him know that I knew he was there. Which he promptly mocked by eating the peanut butter from without setting them off. And then, to add insult to injury, the little fucker waltzed across my living room Friday night while I was sitting on the couch, trapped under a sleeping toddler.
The next day, in between doing vomit laundry and providing a cushy surface on which my son could nap, I sealed up the hole under the sink that I suspected he was using to access the garbage. He got in anyway, and as if the chewed-up garbage bag weren't enough evidence, he left his fecal calling card on top of the garbage catcher. Oooohhhhh, he's got tiny steel ones, this boy.
So today, because it was a holiday and my son was feeling well enough to shoo out into the backyard with his father, I launched an assault. That mousey bastard screwed up by running in front of me - now I know his paths. I put traps in likely spots, baited with scant amounts of peanut butter, and removed every other food source I could find, including the garbage.
Good way to spend the long weekend, no? That one's for you, Queen Victrola - don't say Canadians never went to war on your behalf.
What? It's Queen Victoria?
Whatever. I had the day off.
I know a great big bunch of you are going to leave another comment about, "Cat! Get a fucking cat already!". I know, internets, I know. If you can explain to me how to do that without making my dog's head explode, that would be helpful. Dog brains are messy.
While I had the house a boy-free zone, I also broke out the cordless drill and put up some drapes that have been sitting there, mocking me, for months. Yesterday I hauled two dead trees out to the dumpster and did other yardwork. I feel all manly now. Like I should pop a woody and crack a cold one.
Um, no, okay. They were just fucking drapes.
This detox/cleanse thing has revived my bizarre dream life. I haven't had my good weird dreams (ie, no zombies) since pregnancy, and I missed them. They're a little more disjointed now, but last night I was doing shooters in a nightclub while buying teapots and Mexican dresses.
In my dream, I mean. Ahem. Really.
I had a salad, a couple of slivers of chicken, and some juice for dinner and I'm not hungry. That seems....just so fucking wrong.
Okay, now that I've thought about it I'm hungry. Whoops. I'm off to rustle up some celery sticks or something equally enticing. I bet you have some babbling to do - grab the button and make it happen!
Reader Comments (67)
I'm first, I'm first yea!! Elle just had a mouse problem, hers was living under her bed, eating left over Easter candy. I think you sound a wee bit stressed, between a mouse, vomit, and not eating, I'd say you had a week from hell. Way to go with the "manly" chores, you rock!
Damn, that mouse DOES have balls of steel. That must have been so hard not chasing after him since you were pinned under X and stuff. I like feeling manly and doing yardwork. It beats the hell outta scrubbing toilets and vacuuming. Happy Tuesday, may you not accidentally eat a mouse turd in your Raisin Bran.
Great job on the filling food.
HA! Mouse, will die! I know some peopel have both cats and dogs and I don't know how they do it. Our Stupid cat is queen of the house for some reason I've yet to figure out.
I've heard using steel wool to block mouse holes works, although I'm not sure it will work since your mouse already has steel as part of his anatomy. This is better advice than getting a cat, though, isn't it?
I'd have moved out until my significant other caught the damn mouse. No way, no how would I still be able to live with that thing. Kahuntes of steel though this mouse. No doubt.
I went itunes buying the other day and re-found my beloved Cranberries. The Zombie song made me think of you. Though this new dream sounds like a lot o fun!
And as always, you simply made me laugh today, so thank you.
Mice love peanut butter. That's how we caught our little fuckers. It's too bad they were so teeny and cute though.
Great job with the yardwork and lumber. You need to subsist on more than celery if you're gonna do all this gruff stuff! (I rhymed woohoo!)
How does your dog feel about snakes?
Thank you for centering that damn sign, its given me the shakes since I started doing this.
Cats are cool. Really. We have a 12 yr. old house cat who asks every day of his life why he couldn't have been adopted by a family who let him be an outside cat. He caught a mouse once, and earned his keep. Yup, in the house. At first I thought it was one of his Kitty Hooch toys. Nice Kitty.
I would never suggest a cat, my MIL has eleven and they are so not worth the lack of mousiness.
I don't do yard work, ever. But occasionally taking out the trash makes me feel manly, maybe that's just because of the garbage smell. Not on me...in the garbage.
Never knew Captain Dumbass was OCD! I'd uncenter it just to see him shakin'.
Cats are great mousekillers---sometimes. I had one once, a cat that is,and she had no desire whatsoever to go off and kill mice. It just wasn't happening in her world. That was the last cat I will ever have.....
The detox/cleanse dream doesn't sound all that bad. Keep up the great work! You know, if you want to, if you feel up to it, and if you are motivated enough! (Mouse trapping CAN make a girl hungry, dammit!)It always seems the less a person eats the less hungry they are. Makes no sense but I've found this to be true. CAR-RAZY!
Great RTT!
The fact that I never noticed the sign was off center now makes ME shake a little..
Or maybe it's because I need to eat breakfast.
Happy R-T-T, Now E-A-T!
Celery, of course.. :-)
Damn it! I didn't know there was a points system. Now I need to go back to rewrite. Then I read on to find out your were just fucking with me.
Oh I'll get you my pretty and your little doggie too. Baaahhh...
Keep that fiber level up while you trap that mouse. Then you can level a little fecal matter of your own.
I often pop a woody and crack a cold one after doing something manly...if my wife says it's ok.
Happy RTT!!
You get a day off to celebrate a queen? Why can't I be Canadian?
Oh. Right.
We have a cat and two dogs...luckily the presence of a cat hasn't made their heads explode, but I think it's a trade off - the cat has watched a mouse stroll right on past the front of his paws and he just looked at it with disdain. So I'm guessing the only kind of cat that will round up your mouse with the steel ones would definitely make your dog's head explode, so yeah, I wouldn't get one either.
I'm impressed with your manly efforts...and your disjointed dreams sound kinda fun... ;)
Happy RTT!
It sounds like the dreams are totally worth the lack of food. No? Ok.
From now on, you need to keep something heavy close at hand (no, NOT X) to pitch at the mouse next time he makes his appearance. You can at least stun him long enough to sweep him up & throw him out of the house.
Great instructions :)
Bummer about the mouse.
It's kind of creepy though when you pet catches one.
Get a barn kitten from a farmer. They're the mouse killers.
And I say kitten because most dogs will tolerate kittens without explosions, and then are protective about them after they're grown.
I can't go after a mouse alone. I need a team that I direct from on top of the couch holding a broom, just in case it tries to come for me.
Don't be so sure about the cat being any help. My friend had a cat named Tiger. A mouse moved in. She gave the mouse no thought trusting Tiger's anti-mouse instincts. She walked into the kitchen one day to find Tiger and the mouse touching noses and softly pawing each other.
Eat something woman. Oh and those traps where you don't see the mouse after it's caught work really well. I had a little intruder once who ate a whole can of Planters Peanuts before I realized he was in my room.
Happy RTT!
DON'T get a fucking cat. Fuck the dog brains... you think mouse turds are annoying? You have to clean up cat shit too! Don't do it! OK?! Save yourself from something else to clean up. For the amount of money you will spend paying for the cat for the next 10 years on shit-sand and cat food, not to mention vet visits, toys, etc... just hire the fucking exterminator.
Why doesn't your dog do anything about the mouse? I have yet to have a dog that doesn't drag a dead one to my feet like it's a fucking sight to behold. And then they always wants treats for a job well done.
Maybe I'll just start renting my dog out like a canine exterminator.
Doesn't the centering look beautifully symmetrical? Having it off center made me nervous.
We have a dog and 2 cats and everyone seems to get along for the most part. Dogs are pretty adaptable, I think it is harder to introduce a new dog than new cats. If you want to get a cat, the local shelter may allow you to bring your dog to see how he reacts. We did that with our dog, but he fooled us and chased the cats at first. He still chases them occasionally, but I figure it breaks up the monotony of sleeping and eating that is the cats' existence.
you don't need a cat (although cats are lovely) you are a very good cat. i can see you now ...
sitting quietly, watching that mouse hole. then as he sticks his little head out and looks around, he doesn't see you. you get down on your haunches and wiggle your butt. he scurries across the floor and you POUNCE! SCORE!
then your family walks in and you have a bloody mouse hanging from your lips. they take away your ozzy osbourne albums. oh well, you haven't listened to them in ages.