And...here we go!
1. Angel or not, I will smite you where you stand! Oh, wait. That says 'angel or NOT'. I thought it said 'Angel of GOD'. Alright, never mind with the smiting then.
2.You can prepare me any way you want me. After you've killed me and stuffed me in your freezer to eat later. Which, y'know, good luck with that, because I can scream really loud and SOMEBODY is bound to notice. Also I still haven't lost enough weight to fit in a conventional freezer.
3. As my mother used to say, you're full of date pits and camel shit. *
4. I like to spit after I'm done working out or doing something strenuous. It's not really attractive after having sex.
5. Even in the most crowded of rooms silence will fall just as you announce that you're scheduled for a colonoscopy.
6. Mother's Day is a day fraught with peril. Now that I have a mother-in-LAW.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to offending co-workers, tomorrow my plans include some socially awkward moments and Sunday, I want to schedule that colonoscopy!
* Actually, what she used to say was just "you're full of shit". But she DID announce, "We're off! In a cloud of date pits and camel shit!" at the beginning of each family trip. She also used to say, "We're off like a herd of turtles". She's whacky like that.