I've got this AND the crack habit under control, thank you for asking

Todays post is brought to you by everybody's favorite beverage, COFFEE. Why? Because Blissfully Caffeinated just gave birth to the beautiful and perfect baby Half Caff, and it sounds like she had a bit of a time of it. So Jenni and Sprite's Keeper suggested we all post about coffee, to let Bliss Caff know we're thinking of her.

I have a love-hate relationship with coffee. I'm madly, passionately, in love with it. I love the enticing aroma, the fragrant beans, the whole OCD process of making the perfect cup. I love it black, with its sharp edge and impenetrable depths, and I love it sweetened (brown sugar or honey). Add cream and it's practically a fucking dessert.

At one point in my life, however, I loved it a little TOO much. It was college.

Don't the addictions always crop up during college?

I would get up in the morning, have a couple of cups of coffee, and get on the Skytrain to go to school. That took, like, an hour, so by the time I got there I really needed that triple mocchacino from the coffee cart. Then I had a really boring class or two, so I needed another triple after that.

But I never had any coffee after noon! Hey, you have to make rules sometimes.

About halfway through my second year of college my stomach went into revolt. It told me I had to cut out the caffeine or the booze, one of the two, or it wasn't going to let me eat any more of those chocolate-chocolate-chip cookies from the cafeteria, and oh yeah maybe make me throw up some blood.

Clearly, I had to decaffeinate. So I did it in what seemed the most reasonable manner - cold turkey.

I slept for 3 days straight.

I stayed decaffeinated for about a year, at which point my stomach and I came to a tentative understanding. I would only drink one cup of coffee a day, two MAX, and if I ever felt it get out of control I would quit.

I've danced back and forth over that line over the years, but for the most part I stick to that rule. I only have one cup of coffee a day. I mean, it is kind of a BIG cup. When I offer it to guests at my house - "would you like the big mug or the little one?" - their reaction often includes bulging eyes. So maybe it counts as two cups.

Well, and sometimes I have two of those. So, four cups.

Hm.

Excuse me, I'm going to go see if the detox centre has any openings. And maybe throw up some blood.