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    « I've got this AND the crack habit under control, thank you for asking | Main | The future would appreciate it if I didn't take up quilting: Random Tuesday Thoughts »

    How to avoid the Zombie Flu, er, H1N1, if you don't trust the vaccine like certain paranoid individuals

    This is kind of remedial, but I know people forget to take care of themselves. Especially Moms. I'm pretty sure that's why the H1N1 has been doing away with otherwise healthy women; they were too damn busy taking care of everybody else.

    So! Listen up, class:

    1. Wash your hands. Sing Happy Birthday while doing so. I don't know why your hands need to be serenaded, but it's in all the literature. Possibly your singing will scare the germs away.

    Don't ask me about hand sanitizers, because you'll just get a rant about breeding new supergerms that are going to garrotte us in our sleep. I'm sure they're fine though.

    2. Drink lots of hot liquids. Y'know, coffee with Baileys, mulled wine, hot rum toddys.

    3. Ingest things that have a lot of Vitamin C. Like Screwdrivers and mimosas.

    4. Gargle with salt water. It's okay, I'm sure YOU look totally dignified.

    5. Rinse your nasal passages with salt water. I use a neti pot (or as hubby calls it, my "nose flute"), and have for years. I've been trying to teach my toddler, but he screams like he's being waterboarded. He's just not trying, I swear. It's like he wants to get sick.

    6. And finally, if you're sick, STAY THE FUCK HOME. Quit trying to be a hero. You'll infect the rest of the office, who will infect the FedEx guy, who will show up at my house with a package see where this is going, right?

    Do you want to be responsible for the FedEx guy getting shot in the face because I thought he was a zombie?

    No, I didn't think so. Stay healthy, everybody.

    Reader Comments (29)

    LOL, very funny... and true. My son (2 yrs old) just got over zombie flu. It wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, it's my turn and I will stay home and refuse to sign for any fed ex packages. Wouldn't want to infect the pen.

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrachel

    Your two year-old screams when you try to pour salt water through his nasal cavity? I can't imagine why.

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFoN

    Great advice. If I follow it and still get it, I'm blaming you. ;)

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

    you actually tried a neti pot on a are a brave woman!~

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTamis

    What if you can't sing?

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGillian

    I'm really sick of Swine Flu. This is different from being sick WITH Swine Flu. I just saw Cathy Lee Gifford read a graffic on the TV that said "even your hair would hurt" if you got Swine Flu. Having to see Cathy Lee again is bad enough! She should leave my hair out of it!

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJoeyRes

    This whole H1N1 things is so troubling to the neurotic (I prefer neurotic to paranoid - sounds more endearing.) I'm such a fucking worrier and in situations like this, my worry dial is off the screen. I mean, I'm worried about H1N1 (becuse Miles is so small and Oscar has a history of breathing difficulties with COLDS for crying out loud) but what's up w/the vaccine? It's being rushed and I don't like that and hasn't been widely tested. Now I have to decide which worries me more, vaccine or H1N1. My peditrician has run out of the vaccine though, so I have a couple more weeks to decide.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenni

    Whew, I really feel armed now to fight the flu. Thank you, thank you.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFrogs in my formula
    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Mother

    For #4 could I add a little tequila and lime?

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichele

    Love it! Esp. the last one. Why do people feel the need to be out and about snotting on everyone??

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkys

    I've never understood why people go to work sick. You aren't a hero. You are just making the rest of your coworkers hate you.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

    I've always heard that 2 repetitions of the Happy Birthday song is the length you're to wash your hands to effectively kill bacteria.

    Also, a woman my husband works with came to work feeling ill after she'd been taking care of her daughter who HAD SWINE FLU. I wanted to slap that bitch. So we're on lockdown until tomorrow to ensure that we don't have the pig flu. O joy. So far, so good, so I really think we're in the clear.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCaitlin

    I am headed to the liqour store right now to hang out with the wine-os so I can get my dr Keely reccomended medicine choices...

    I do not want to be responsible for a harmed fed-ex guy!

    Great Post

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter♥georgie♥

    Remember when I said Thor stayed home from school? Yeppers H1N1 epidemic at school! Neighbors had it too. Oh joy joy! Guess who's gonna be it's next f-in victim??

    Where's the thermometor?

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBlogging Mama Andrea

    I wish that they would put my school on lockdown, We have had 6 cases, they have canceled the classes of the kids who had it for a week, but the rest of us who could have been infected bu sitting at the desks, or breathing the same room air there is no concern for.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngel

    I know a FedEx man's death is not something I want hanging over my head. Haha

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIce Queen

    we are all sick here except hubby!

    great tips!! you are sweet and funny!

    I was told my little guy had the flu a few weeks ago, but they didn't test him. Why didn't I make them test him! Now I'm wondering if he had it or not. I work at a community college and let me just tell you how many freakin' times I've had to hold my breathe while running to get away from the germ cloud some unhygienic student just created because he is apparently unaware of the whole "cover your f-ing mouth" concept!

    Yeah, Ethan's not getting the H1N1 vaccine or the seasonal. For one, there is no seasonal to be found anywhere...for two, by the time either of them are available/had time to work, the H1N1 will be on it's way they say. No one knows. Whatever. Stupid swine flu.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBaby News

    AMEN! I'm going to link this.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

    I'm putting on my professional biologist hat here (one of many I wear). Hand sanitizers that have alcohol as the active ingredient are fine. Bacteria and viruses have yet to develop immunity to alcohol. Avoid hand sanitizers that have triclosan or benzalkonium chloride. EHow has a great recipe for making your own hand sanitizer.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNeCole@Eclectic Ecstasy

    My plans for not working my ass off are my best defence. I'll only work on computer and run the world and santa's sleigh through my now legally throttled internet.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkyooty

    How is it that effin New Brunswick get the N1H1 vaccine before BC does when we have more cases of it than anyone and have had 8 deaths already? Screw you, NB!

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCaptain Dumbass

    I always wondered about washing your hands after peeing? They say that urine is sterile and that if you were ever dying of thirst, that you should drink it, so what is the big deal if we get a few drops on our Big Mac?? LOL!

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterotin

    I'm printing out your instructions .. 'cause I don't want to be responsible for the Fed Ex guy getting shot in the face .. er .. wait .. my Fed Ex guy is a jerk ..

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDivine Chaos

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