How to avoid the Zombie Flu, er, H1N1, if you don't trust the vaccine like certain paranoid individuals

This is kind of remedial, but I know people forget to take care of themselves. Especially Moms. I'm pretty sure that's why the H1N1 has been doing away with otherwise healthy women; they were too damn busy taking care of everybody else.

So! Listen up, class:

1. Wash your hands. Sing Happy Birthday while doing so. I don't know why your hands need to be serenaded, but it's in all the literature. Possibly your singing will scare the germs away.

Don't ask me about hand sanitizers, because you'll just get a rant about breeding new supergerms that are going to garrotte us in our sleep. I'm sure they're fine though.

2. Drink lots of hot liquids. Y'know, coffee with Baileys, mulled wine, hot rum toddys.

3. Ingest things that have a lot of Vitamin C. Like Screwdrivers and mimosas.

4. Gargle with salt water. It's okay, I'm sure YOU look totally dignified.

5. Rinse your nasal passages with salt water. I use a neti pot (or as hubby calls it, my "nose flute"), and have for years. I've been trying to teach my toddler, but he screams like he's being waterboarded. He's just not trying, I swear. It's like he wants to get sick.

6. And finally, if you're sick, STAY THE FUCK HOME. Quit trying to be a hero. You'll infect the rest of the office, who will infect the FedEx guy, who will show up at my house with a package see where this is going, right?

Do you want to be responsible for the FedEx guy getting shot in the face because I thought he was a zombie?

No, I didn't think so. Stay healthy, everybody.