How to eat for free (if you're an asshat)

Dear Old Screechy Hag Women Seated One Booth Away,

I understand that your meals didn't turn out as you requested. Really, I know the disappointment. But it's one thing to have specific preferences, it's quite another to expect five-star dining from a place that specializes in five-dollar breakfasts.

I mean, look around. Are the words "greasy spoon" ringing any bells? Also, did you notice that it's BUSY?

I'm sorry that the kitchen didn't manage to produce your "well-done toast, extra-crispy bacon, half-scrambled eggs half-over easy" order to perfection. But to send it back, have it redone, while the other person waits for you and then complain that the other meal is cold seems a little, well, STUPID.

And then to have your entire meal comped, and be offered free dessert, only to pronounce it "HORRIBLE" so loudly the poor server actually takes a step back? YOU REJECT FREE DESSERT? I mean, you had minor sympathy from me up until then. But that's just plain wrong.

And then - then! - when the server who is clearly wishing she called in sick today goes and gets you "fresher" dessert, you mutter to each other about how one piece is taller than the other?

Can I speak with YOUR manager? Because I'd like to lodge a complaint. Your excessive complaining totally fucking ruined my dining experience.

Thanks,

The Woman Quietly Glaring One Booth Over