Spay and neuter your pets, kids, lest they spawn one like this

Since you were all so highly amused by the tale of my dog's antics last week, I thought I'd share with you the story of the day she came to us.

I got her from the Humane Society, because I personally think thought that paying top dollar for a dog when there are so many in need is ridiculous.

(Now, however, I think I see the wisdom in some kind of predictability of temperament).

Two months after we moved into our house, I announced to hubby that I was going to go get a dog that weekend. It wasn't a surprise to him, as I'd been talking about getting a dog for months, but he was working those days and wouldn't be able to join me.

Animal shelters are horrible places for softheaded hearted people like me. I went on Saturday, froze in horror as 25 pairs of doggie eyes stared at me mournfully, and bolted.

I went back on Sunday. I'd love to say that I saw my dog and knew she was the one, but in fact I had no idea what kind of dog I was looking for and took the recommendation of the kennel technician. I 'met' two dogs; the other was older and had some issues with people touching his back. Our dog was young, seemed gentle enough, and didn't jump up. Much. I signed the contract, they put a leash on her and handed me the other end.

Whereupon she instantly morphed into a lunging, drooling, manic devil dog. She dragged me towards any and every other animal, she jumped up and clawed at me, she pulled so hard on the collar that she was gagging. I stuffed her into my truck and she almost ran us off the road twice on the drive home. She panted, she drooled, she barked at everything.

I got her home, tied her to the kitchen table and immediately texted hubby to inform him that the dog was INSANE and I'd completely ruined our lives.

The dog paced at the end of her leash and barked at every minor sound outside, jumped up on me and chewed on my ankles, while hubby tried to console me (which is difficult, via text) and I tried to hold it together until he got home.

I finally got the bright idea to put her in the backyard, where she began a joyous cacophony with the neighbour dog. Good. She could stay there. I went inside and started doing some dishes to calm myself down.

(I find it therapeutic. Shut up).

Hubby came home shortly after that and went straight to the backyard to meet this rabid canine I'd been telling him about. A little miffed that he hadn't rushed straight to ME, I followed him back there. The dog ran excited circles around him and tried to bite his ass, but was not nearly the hellspawn I'd made her out to be. We chatted with the neighbours about how "she'd settle down" and "she looked like an intelligent one", hubby gave me a hug and I started to feel a little better about our new acquisition.

She was so rambunctious that I had already designated her an "outside dog". So we left her in the backyard and went inside to make dinner, but halfway to the door I stopped short.

"Um - why is there water pouring out of the side of our house?"

We rushed inside and realized I had left the tap running while doing the dishes. While we had been outside. For half an hour.

It had filled the sink and poured over onto the floor, flooding the kitchen and, as we could now see, the house sloped a little so it was leaking out the side of the building.

"It's not that bad - " hubby began to say, but I had heard water running downstairs and gone to check. The water had not only leaked out the side of the building, it had poured into the heating duct in that corner of the kitchen and returned BACK into the house, and was pouring out EVERY SINGLE HEATING VENT ALL OVER THE BASEMENT.

And that was when my head popped off, rolled down the rest of the stairs and came to rest in a puddle.

My headless corpse collapsed on the stairway, my disembodied voice wailing, "WE JUST BOUGHT THIS HOUSE AND I BROKE IT!!"

Hubby rallied the troops, ran to the neighbours for a shop vac, reattached my head and we started cleaning. At midnight, when we finished, we went out for a sub. And some dog food and dishes because, clearly? I did NOT think this whole process through.

The dog barked at everything all night long.

I took her for a walk the next day and she tried to eat someone's poodle.

The end.