Supporting athletes should be left to jock straps, not pastries

So I started my first Two Week Resolution, which is to submit a logo design a day to 99designs.com, and I've met my quota for the whole two days I've been doing it so far. It's been taking a bit more time than I thought it would, and yet today when I managed to get one submitted during the toddler's naptime I was all, sweet! I have a free evening in which to play video games or read comics or hell, go to bed early!

Then I was like, oh riiiiiigggghhhht. That blooooggggg thing.

Half of you are probably off at Blissdom anyway, but I will share with you something I spotted the other day. I was at Tim Horton's, which is Canada's answer to, say, Dunkin' Donuts. Except it's WAY more addictive because I'm fairly certain they make their coffee with butter.

Or maybe crack cocaine.

Anyway, they were featuring a donut covered in tiny red candy maple leafs. Ooooh, how patriotic! Except - wait - Canada Day isn't until July, guys. What's with the unwarranted patriotism?

(Canadians don't like to get all patriotic for no good reason. It's ostentatious.)

(It's the same reason we say "excuse me" when somebody bumps into US, okay? We're just inexplicably weird that way.)

Then I realized, oh! It must be for the Winter Olympics, which are in Vancouver soon.

Because...nothing screams "Olympic athlete" like a big fat deep fried DONUT.

Nice one, guys.

Maybe it's because they're shaped like an Olympic ring? Yeah, we'll go with that.

As opposed to a dead clean one, I guess.

(Honestly, I love their products. They're low on chemicals and eco-friendly. I just love their inadvertent juxtaposition of concepts more.)

Mother Nature is a bitch, you'd think we'd hang out more: Random Tuesday Thoughts

Yay! It's Tuesday.

Tuesdays are like my Mondays, since I don't work on Mondays. Except not really. On Monday apparently it was rough going at the office, because I got an email from my boss saying, "You sure picked the right day to be off."

Hello? Mondays are always the right day to be off.

And Tuesdays are always the right day to be random. Got the button? No? Well git it - and git random!

On Saturday it had snowed a fair bit, so I bundled up the whole family and we went out to shovel. We shovelled both walkways and both driveways (front and back). We even shovelled the crabby neighbours' driveway (something I wish I could do more often because, well, they're 85, but I usually have an impatient toddler with me).

Then on Sunday Mother Nature did this:



What a bitch.

I should probably pay more attention to the weather forecast.

I kind of wish I had one of these, to freak out the neighbours for the hour-plus that I spent shovelling snow. But only because they all own snowblowers and are laughing at me anyway.

Can somebody explain what the happy crappy THIS is? It looks like a site that scrapes everyones' feed and replaces a few words (and don't think I wasn't amused that the "cell phone" in my post became "dungeon phone"), but I can't figure out why. There aren't any ads on it or anything. Fame and fortune...?

(If it's a virus delivery system, I'm awfully sorry. But at least we're all going down together?)

Do you think the guy in this pic looks smug because he thinks he looks hawt, or because the pyrex plug is deforming his lips?

I'm finding MMO gaming frustrating lately because I just don't have the hours to dedicate to it that I once did. I love to team with people, but they're not always tolerant of my short timelines or that I have to bugger off because my kid woke up from his nap.

And before you ask, yes, there are groups of like-minded parents who game. They're just really irritating to team with. They never have any time and they're always going afk because of their kids.

Everybody already seen Sleep Talkin' Man? Yes? Good, cause it's freakin' hilarious.

I showed it to hubby, who didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did. He did, however, give me a look of deep suspicion. Then I saw him checking the bedroom for tape recorders.

Because I'm trying to figure out a way to spend MORE time on the computer, on Friday I start my first 'two week' resolution: to enter a competition a day at 99designs.com. I realize it's not a very exciting resolution, blog-wise, but I promise to tell you if I win any.

Unless you expect me to share. Then, um...well, have I mentioned what a terrible graphic artist I am? Really, really awful. Nobody would ever pick my designs. Ever.

A note to the poor lost souls that Google brings here: No, I don't know what you should do for your girlfriend. No, I don't know what to do when your dog swallows an avocado pit either (other than freak out). I don't know how to get rid of a manipulative boyfriend other than the way I did (by punching him in the face). And the rest of you? Are fucking gross.

One day, when I feel like alienating ALL my readers, I'll actually post some of the sick things people google. Til then - there's just random Tuesday. Link up, y'all! And go forth, and visit thy neighbour.

Amen.

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I think if you know me at all, you'll realize these New Years Resolutions are about as "on time" as they'll get

I was so enamored of the "2-week Resolution" idea, I decided to make a list of mine. I'm not sure any of these will help me become a better person, but hey, it might make good blog material. (I realize I keep saying that and not following through, but these are SHORT goals. I've gotta be better at that, right? Ooooh look something shiny!)

...Plus I'm starting late so really I only have to do 24.

Jan 1-Jan 14: Oops, missed the boat. Nobody informed me.

Jan 15-Jan 28: Well, this is half over. So I'll just call this fortnight a total loss.

Jan 29-Feb 11: Design a logo a day for competition at 99designs.com

Feb 12-Feb 25: Do one nice thing for hubby each day. Valentine's and all that.

Feb 26-March 11: Eat vegetarian. This probably will entail learning to cook something vegetarian. Nachos don't count.

March 12-March 25: Go skating as much as possible. Try to learn to 'sideways stop' on hockey skates.

March 26-April 8: Practice yoga each day.

April 9-April 22: Eat one weird thing each day from the "not labelled in english" aisle at the grocery store.

April 23-May 6: Do one thing a day that is charitable or a service to others. Volunteer, carry the neighbour's groceries, donate old clothing, etc.

May 7-May 20:
May 21-June 3:
June 4-June 17: I'm putting 3 of these together and saying "Learn Japanese". Because that's when the high-intensity Spring semester happens at the university. I'm sure I won't really learn much Japanese so maybe I should call it "take high-intensity spring semester class at the university".

June 18-July 1: Walk to work every day. There's a long weekend in here, so win! for me & laziness.

July 2-July 15: Visit 8 parks we've never been to before.

July 16-July 29: Go skydiving.

July 20-August 12: Hoping to go to BlogHer. So...I'm keeping this week free.

August 13-August 26: Learn or make up at least 6 new kids games to play with my son.

August 27-September 9: Go camping.

September 10-September 23: Get on the Wii for 15 minutes a day.

September 24-October 7: Draw a comic frame a day (pencils AND inks, yo).

October 8-October 21: Take a 'photo shoot' every day, whether it's outside or set up.

October 22-November 4: Visit at least 3 haunted locations.

November 5-November 18: Be more social. Go out or entertain at least 8 times.

November 19-December 2: Get a big honking canvas and paint something, a little bit every day. (As much as I can draw, I really suck at painting. So this is a growth opportunity. Or possibly just an opportunity for everyone to laugh at me.)

December 3-December 16: <--I have no idea. Why don't you guys come up with something Christmassy for me?

December 17-December 31: Learn and make a new mixed booze drink every day.


...What? It seems like a good way to end the year, no?

Whimsical design has no place in parenting, thankyouverymuch

This is my 2-year-old's winter jacket.

I know, right?

There's no WAY the cell phone we got him is going to fit in there.

Batten down the hatches

According to the Zombie Survival Guide, I am woefully ill-prepared. I don't have a crossbow. I don't have an armored car. I have a stupid dog that will bark and draw attention to us and my house will suck to defend.

(But where am I going to find a house on stilts for sale on the bald ass prairie?)

I'm sure that when I've mentioned these concerns before, you probably laughed and thought I was joking. But I'm not. I really do worry about what I'll do when the dead walk. I really do lay awake after I wake up from a nightmare, wondering whether it would make sense to build a perimeter wall.

Because if I'm worrying about that, I don't have to think about spending another day in a workplace I loathe. I don't have to dwell on how small my boss makes me feel, when he used to be a friend and all-round good guy but has somehow slowly turned into a selfish, uncaring asshole. I don't have to think about how I might turn into that same person if I can't find another job soon.

If I'm running through the mental exercise of how many cans of food I'd need to wait out hordes of the undead, then I'm not thinking about my stupid broken uterus. I'm not stressing about my self-imposed deadline for baby-making, which is horrifyingly close. I'm not gnashing my teeth about not being able to get in to see a specialist for months, someone who might not be able to fix me but at least could tell me my options.

If I'm considering a weapon for close-range combat with a reanimated corpse, then I'm not considering the range of human horrors this society could inflict upon my son. I'm not stressing about things in his future that are years away, like what school to send him to and whether to drive him everywhere and how he'll react to peer pressure. I'm not letting myself think that his weird toddler quirks might be signs of something more.

If I'm planning and worrying about something that will never happen, then I am not wasting time bemoaning things I have little to no control over.

The other day I ditched on a coffee date with my friend Fashionista, because I was so tired and crabby and I just didn't deserve to be interacting with people. She told me I was allowed to have an 'off' day, I have a lot of stress. I said I didn't think I had any more stress than anybody else.

She said, "I think you do."

And while I still don't think I have any more stress than anybody else, I'm willing to concede that yes, indeed, I do have stress.

I mean, I can NOT find a half-decent machete ANYWHERE.

My mind is elsewhere, but it has yet to send a postcard so I'm not sure where: Random Tuesday Thoughts

Know what you're doing? Why you're here? No?

Me neither.

I mean, in general. But I know what Tuesday means, and that's randomness. So spew a random post, use the fugly purple button (or don't...it really IS very ugly) and link up!

My parents got us passes to the Science Centre for Christmas, so I dragged the family over today only to discover that they're closed on Mondays during the lame winter months.

I don't know who was more disappointed, the kid or me.

What? That place is fun.

This morning on CBC I heard one of the DJs talking about New Years resolutions and how nobody ever keeps them for the whole year, so he had decided to make 26 two-week resolutions. He'd just finished the first (lose weight) and done poorly, so he was moving on to his second, which was a much more achievable "learn to cook 4 vegetarian entrees".

Sheer. Brilliance.

My resolution for this fortnight? "Watch Ice Age 423 times."

Stern, but fair, I think.

Star Wars burlesque. You're welcome, guys.

By survey, the most annoying song ever created. Also by survey, what everybody is looking for in a song. Survey says: the one people 'want' is FAR more annoying than the one that's supposed to be annoying.

My boss, fearful that I'm going to get knocked up and abandon him again, has sort of semi-replaced me already. I'm divided about this turn of events. On one hand, I resent being replaced before I'm even gone (or scheduled to be gone). On the other hand, carte blanche to start applying elsewhere!

My kid just overturned the dog dish full of water. I called him a putz. Who's in the wrong here?

I love Boooooom.com. Though it took me a while to figure out how many Os were in the url. Also, I read about it in the newspaper. That seems wrong, somehow.

Well, that's about it for me. I'm posting early because I have a dinner date with FoN and Politika. Politika visits about once ever 6 months for business, and debauchery usually ensues.

Okay, well, we get about as debauched as a person can get when they're 35 with kids and they have to work the next morning.

So I'm going to go do that. You write a random post and I'll see ya then, ok?

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Nom nom nom, Humble Pie

Since we replaced our prehistoric TV for Christmas, yesterday there was some guy in our basement, his jeans obscenely low (I imagine - I wasn't actually here), muttering obscenities while he installed a high-def line. I'm not sure why we decided to do this, since we don't actually watch that much tv, except that by our tally it would leave us with less switching of cables when we wanted to play the Wii or watch a DVD.

(What it actually did was leave us with one MORE cable to plug and unplug. Which is fucking annoying in the pre-dawn hours when you want to switch it so the kid can watch PBS and not Ice! Age!, because Curious George is less interesting and finite and Ice! Age! just goes on and on and gawd help you if you want to get his coat on before the credits roll so you can get to work on time. And you probably just should have spent the extra 5 minutes fumbling around with RCA cables because now you have a full-blown meltdown AND you're late. Again.)

Anyway.

After dinner I felt chilly so I went to turn up the heat and, lo, the thermostat was completely blank. It no longer had any power, and therefore was no longer telling my furnace to keep me from freezing.

I poked a few buttons and the thermostat did not miraculously start blinking, so I plunked the toddler in front of Ice! Age! (I'm trying to fast track that Mother of the Year award) and spent 15 minute on hold with the cable company. Because surely the wiring and snipping and drilling their tech had been doing, followed by the immediate demise of my thermostat, was not coincidence?

They said they'd look into it and call me back. So I spent the next half an hour peering at the bewildering array of wires and cables that appear to be growing through my basement. This house used to be two obviously very small suites and there are phone cables and wires everywhere that lead to nothing. Which is exactly what I came up with.

Cable dispatch dude called me back and said the tech had declared himself not responsible. Which I didn't really buy, and neither did the dispatch dude, but he said he couldn't dispatch someone on his own say-so, he'd have to escalate it to a manager.

"Okay," I said.

"It probably won't be until tomorrow," he said apologetically. A tiny pointy creature made of Panic popped up in my chest because, hello? My furnace hasn't been running in hours and it's effing cold outside, guy.

"Oh," I said. "Um, okay."

"Is your furnace running?" he queried.

"No," I said in a small voice.

"Oh," he said with more concern. "Is it cold?"

"Not yet!" I chirped with false bravado. And he kind of laughed and promised he'd have someone call me as soon as possible, and I told him I would have someone come and look at it in the meantime and not to worry.

And here is where I'm really glad I remained polite and didn't give in to my Panic and demand "better service" or shriek "My baby could FREEZE, you asshole!!" or something. Because then I called hubby at work and snivelled a little and he came home to see if he could fix it.

Turns out? My thermostat runs on batteries. Which I considered, but apparently you have to be 6'3" to be able to see how the fucking thing actually opens up. Nobody considers us shortasses when they're designing thermostats. Paul changed the batteries and - cue the angels singing - they're not going to find my frozen corpse curled around a Bic lighter after all. The timing of the tech dude was sheer coincidence.

And I'm okay with telling you guys what a dumbass I am because now I'm used to it. I called the cable company back and sheepishly explained that no, their wonderful tech guy with his proper-fitting pants did not, in fact, cut the wire to my thermostat. In fact, there IS no wire and I'm just not that bright, so they don't have to 'escalate' the matter to management, let's all just forget it didn't happen, ok?

Except I guess the message didn't get passed on, because this morning someone in Management called me and I had to explain AGAIN that, in fact, it wasn't their fault. Their tech guy walks on freakin' water, even, and I'm just an idiot. Thanks for calling.

So, yeah. Lesson learned. Always be polite to service companies in the face of a potential frozen fate, lest you turn out to be not dying after all and look like an even bigger asshole.

Or something.

She'd probably write better blog posts, too

Angst via text:


Me: Am stuck doing boring sales calls with boss for self-important government types ALL DAY. Kill me now.

Hubby: Aw :(

Me: I hate my job.

Me: I wish the zombies would just rise up and kill me, already.

Hubby: Who would that leave me with?

Me: Zombie Keely. Pretty much the same thing, just less whiny and a little more bitey.

Hubby: ....

I'll have a dreamscape full of zombified blue cat people: Random Tuesday Thoughts

And it's Tuesday. Again. How does that happen? One minute, you're cruising along thinking you just posted a random type Tuesday post, it's probably only Saturday by now, Sunday tops, and BAM! It's Tuesday again!

The fact that I have to go to work probably should have tipped me off.

Anyway. Write your random, glue it together with spit and the purple button, and link up. Shall we begin?

Best cardio workout ever: carrying your 40-lb toddler while slogging through 2 feet of snow, into a park to use a slide that's been abandoned since October. Seriously, Jillian Michaels has nothing on this. I was seeing black spots. One of them even spoke to me.

(Alternate title: How to NOT freeze to death despite the fact that it's freezing.)

I feel like I've been losing my blogging mojo lately, other than Random Tuesdays. I need something like Stiletto Mom's Shoebox Chronicles. I need topics, people.

Oh, and could you write the posts for me while you're at it? Thanks.

I saw Avatar yesterday. I really liked it, though it wasn't without its faults. The plot was nothing original - it was pretty much Dances With Blue Kitties. And the dialogue wasn't spectacular, though at least it was consistent and didn't try to be witty or anything. But the visuals, holy crap. It's going to be a classic just for that. The way we used to look at closets and wardrobes, hoping that just this once it would open a door to Narnia? That's how this generation is going to be looking at tanning beds.

There was also a trailer for a movie called "Percy Jackson and the Something Something"...which kind of zoomed by but I'm pretty sure was subtitled "Oh Hai I'm Whimsical and Magical and Appealing To The Kid In You That Wanted To Be Special, Can I Be The Next Harry Potter Plz?"

My friend Fashionista gave me the Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks as a belated Christmas gift. I just started reading it today.

I'll call her at 3am to thank her, when I'm wide awake and wondering whether boarding up the windows will wake the toddler.

And that's about it for me. I know, right? But I have a feeling I should go read that book before...well, just before.

So write 'em and make 'em random, and be sure to visit your cohorts in craziness to say hi!

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The family that buys nerdy presents together...

(I bought Xander's from primobambino on etsy, and hubby bought the one I'm wearing a while ago thinking it was actually a blanket. Imagine our delight when we discovered it was actually a cape. OMG! WHAT FUN!)

(Hubby would like to point out that Xander's cape sports the movie logo, while mine has the original comic book and TV series logo.)

(We are beyond geeky at this point. It's okay to point and laugh.)

I'm talking about ACTUAL wrestling, people, it's not a euphemism. Well, it's still fake, but, y'know. (Random Tuesday Thoughts)

It's the first Tuesday of the New Year! The New Decade, even.

I feel like there should be something sparkly here.

That seems like a lot of work, though, so I'll just jump right in.

I'm blogging tonight to the background soundtrack of Bret Hart's "triumphant" return to wrestling.

Yes, I DO live with a 12-year-old boy (who lives in the body of a 35-year-old man). I'm thinking at some point I should have The Talk with him, y'know? The one where I tell him that some things, like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and wrestling, aren't *gasp* real?

Oh, here, I found something sparkly:



What?

You know that needle-scratching-off-the-record sound that they use in movies and TV to indicate an abrupt and awkward end to the action?

How does anybody under the age of 20 get the reference?

Oh, wait. DJs. Okay, never mind. Carry on.

I went shopping today and all the Valentine's crap was already crowding the shelves. Baby Jesus is crying, you guys.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work since before Christmas. I'm crying along with Baby Jesus.

There is a lot of pleather, booing, and bad combovers in this WWE thing.

Best costume EVA.

Sorry for all the very abrupt random thoughts today. They're all I can muster before I get distracted by bad rock music and fake grunting and WRESTLING ANNOUNCER VOICE GUY. Also, I've been off work for a week. I thought I'd relax and do a lot of Nothing. So I did that, and apparently my brain atrophied.

It was probably dangerously close to liquefying anyway.

It's nice to see that political incorrectness is still alive and well in wrestling. They just tossed a little person a cookie for attacking on cue.

I tore through the entire run of Runaways trade paperbacks in two days. I know I read quickly, and comics obviously makes it even quicker, but now I'm thinking about getting some kind of e-reader. I don't read as much as I'd like to, just because I don't have time to get to the library or bookstore. Obviously I prefer actual books - I stare at a screen plenty already - but if I could just download books I'd probably do more reading, which would be a plus. Does anybody have a Kindle or anything? Like 'em?

There, now you have a starting point for your own random thoughts! Got some bits left over from last year, or some shiny new 2010 thoughts that you need to get out there? Write em down and link em up!

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Gauntlet: A short film that will only ever exist in my head*

A heavy steel door opens with a thunk, letting in daylight and silhouetting me a woman standing wielding dual katana blades. Through the opening door we can hear the faint groans of the undead.

Cut to a side view of me the woman. She is wearing heavily reinforced leather gear and a helmet with a face shield. She's almost entirely covered but we can tell she's buff. She's staring straight ahead (out the door). The last thing she does before lowering her face shield is insert iPod ear buds.

The woman steps out of the doorway. The sunlight is blinding; she's washed out. As the door closes behind her, a tune starts up on her iPod, something upbeat but incongruous with zombie slaying, like Gnarls Barkley's Run or You Spin Me Right Round. She begins a choreographed run down a whitewashed alleyway, leaping, slashing, beheading. Zombies swarm her as she keeps moving, killing with precision. Zombie slime splashes across her visor.

As the song ends abruptly she stops at the other end of the alley, breathing hard, and raises her visor. She pauses, then looks down to her own shoulder. The leather has ripped away, showing very clearly a zombie bite. Her expression does not change as she lowers her visor again, and turns back to face the door. We get a close up of her hand tightening her grip on her sword.

A shot past her hip towards the door. It opens again with a mechanical clunk. A blurry silhouette holding two swords steps into view.

Fade to white.



*Though at some point I might draw it into a comic.