What to get your nerdy practical girl for the holidays

(a.k.a. What Keely Wants for Christmas)

I find that I don't actually want many tangible things for Christmas this year. Unless it's "a really good OB who can troubleshoot my uterus" or "a volunteer vet who wants to fix my dog for free" or "a contractor performing random acts of kindness who wants to reno my bathroom". See? I'm horrifyingly practical now that I'm somebody's mother. I mean, your average fangirl is super easy to shop for: just get her a Buffy Season 8 trade paperback or a plush Harry Potter Monster Book of Monsters or a Star Trek original series replica Medical Tricorder. Or if you're in the money (and trust her not to turn it on you), Saruman's staff of power.

All of those things would have thrilled me in years gone by, but now it's just more crap in my tiny house. Really cool, well-made crap that will be instantly destroyed by the thresher that is my kid.

But, do not despair, there are still things that women in my situation covet. To wit:

1. A Brown Coat. But not just ANY brown coat, a browncoat's brown coat. Totally useful, stylish, and if you're lucky it still smells like Captain Malcolm Reynolds.

2. A Keurig single-cup coffee maker. Countertop real estate in my kitchen is not plentiful. So I would set this baby up next to the computer and game all night, always telling myself I was "just having ONE cup".

Well, or, at least I could have a cup and dream about doing that. Sigh.

3. Star Wars Lightsaber Chopsticks. The people who run the sushi restaurant we frequent (and I mean frequent) already laugh at us for showing up so much. This would just be icing on the cake. Er, sushi.

4. The motivation to get back to working out.

Oh, that one's not tangible either, is it? My bad.

5. A Dawn Simulator Alarm Clock. Now that I have to get up in the cold pre-light hours again, I'm lusting after one of these. Although, unless they have a companion "coma simulator" for hubby, I'll probably just have to keep on lusting. Having the "sun" come up 2 hours after he's hit the pillow seems a little cruel and unnecessary.

6. A snowblower. Oh, shut up. I have two driveways this winter, since we're finally able to use our garage for, y'know, parking a car in. So I need something to make my life easier so I can...make my life easier.

I know, I don't ask for much, right?

Also I'd like world peace and a big mug of mulled wine. But I'd settle for household peace, and a big mug of mulled wine.

What do you guys covet?

When kids books get a little too obscure

("Aaannhh-urgh! Aaannhh-urgh!" pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately. "Aaannhh-urgh! Aaannhh-urgh!", you guys.)

Maybe National NOG month: Random Tuesday Thoughts

Oh hey! It's Tuesday! That kinda sneaks up on you, huh?

Anyway, you know what Tuesday means around here - time to get random! Spew some lyrical bullshit, let your mind out to roam, or whatever, then grab the button and call it a post. Easy peasy - especially for those of you struggling with the last few NaBloPoMo posts!

Shall we begin?

My parents finally (hallelujah!) got highspeed internet, which means that my Mom can now read this blog regularly. Because apparently it's too graphic-intense for dial-up? I think binary is probably too graphic intense for dial-up these days, but anyway.

Everybody wave to Mom and hide the dildos, okay?

(Man, it's just like high school all over again.)

I'm having a rum and eggnog. Because I'm fucking festive, y'all. Nothing says Happy Holidays like a bloated eggnog muffin top, y'know?

(It's not even the 'lite' stuff, because that isn't available yet. Apparently it's too early in the season for people to be feeling nog remorse.)

I think I've just created a new activity - the Nog n' Blog. Want to partake? It gets way more fun if you say it out loud a few times.

(Also, if you've had a few nogs.)

Nog nog nog nog nog. Nog nog.

Have you heard about this woman who had her long-term disability benefits revoked, because she was diagnosed with depression but posted photos on Facebook of herself (gasp!) smiling and going on vacation? I mean, how dare she? The NERVE. Everybody knows people with depression wear nothing but black, attend random funerals and listen to The Cure all day. I'm pretty sure psychiatrists have published studies with that exact medical terminology!

Shoes, made out of bread. Most entertaining about this is the comments. Especially the indignation of people pointing out that H.R. Giger did it already in the 70s. Um, I love me some Giger, but someone ripping off a crappy idea means you should probably pity them, not condemn them.

The novel thing? Yeah, not happening. I really did get pretty sick last week and I've been basically sleeping it off ever since. Maybe I'll do DecNoWriMo.

Y'know, because nothing else really happens in December.

Anyway, you got some random smack to talk? Grab the fugly button and link up!

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What does the Canadian Mafia do when they want to send you a message?

...apparently, they put a moose head in your dumpster.

This week, there was a moose head in our disposal bin behind the office. As in, the severed head of a very large roaming land mammal.

Moose. Head. In our dumpster. What the FUCK?

Now, I know some of you think that we Canucks live it rough up here on the tundra, spearing stray narwhals and clubbing seals on our way to work in the morning, but we do indeed have cities. I happen to live in one of them, and my office happens to be downtown. Not a whole lot of room to be slaughtering animals that are the size of a Buick, y'know? So I can't help but wonder a) Where it came from and b) WHAT THE FUCK?

I'm not going to post a picture of this poor animals cranium here because some of you got grossed out when I posted a picture of a dead mouse. This is one vowel and about 75 pounds different. But I know there are at least a few of you that are going, "OMG ewwwwwwwww WTF that is so gross A DEAD MOOSE OMG well aren't you going to show me?"

No? Just me then?

Well here's the picture anyway. Click or don't click, I don't judge.

(I do check web stats though.)

Anyway, all I can say is - I WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED. I don't care what kind of dead animal you put in our dumpster or throw through our front window*. I've been sick and really busy. You're not getting your artwork any faster, okay?



*Just a suggestion. My work day is pretty boring, barring the odd severed head.

Muzzy headed spam and some internal stabbing: Random Tuesday Thoughts

Oh, yay, it's Tuesday.

Sorry, I have a hard time mustering up any enthusiasm at the moment. My nose is really stuffed up and my throat is scratchy. I'm pretty sure I'm finally getting sick. It's probably the swine flu. So if you all get it (and you really should, it's the hottest thing) you can blame me. Maybe stop licking your monitor, just to be safe.

I know, I'm no fun whatsoever.

I've been getting a lot of anonymous spammy "click this link for viagra" comments, but only on this post from January. Like, probably 20 of them in the last 2 weeks. I deleted them all and closed the comments, which makes me feel all weird. What if someone desperately wants to say something regarding the diet and exercise plan I no longer follow??

We went over to my friend Elle's place for dinner tonight. I brought a sort of taco lasagne, and she added some random elements, including fries, steamed veggies, grilled pork and spaghetti. It was...eclectic. But good. She called it our "ghetto Mexitteranean dinner".

Mouse trap coffins. I wish I'd had these last year when I was hunting the rodent in our house. He was a warrior, he deserved a proper burial.

Still have a lot of work-related rage. Thanks for asking.

Basically I'm using NaNoWriMo as an excuse to neglect my blog, because I'm only up to 17,000 words. But hey, at least I have an excuse.

One of my ovaries is trying to kill me. From the inside. By stabbing itself. Seriously, wtf, ovary? You're supposed to be on my side. I'm pretty sure it's not a tumor because they looked for those, twice already, and I'm at least 75% positive you can't grow a whole tumor in less than a month.

Can you?

It's probably just gas.

Reeeeaaaalllly hard, stabby gas...

...aren't you glad you stopped by today?

Here, maybe you should check to see if your tattoo made it up here. If so...maybe invest in some long sleeved shirts.

Anyway, off to chug Neo Citran and slip into a mini-coma. Ahhhh, sleep, you beautiful little slice of death.

Link up, then use some hand sanitizer, you guys.

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I tried to picture myself doing this and sprained my brain

On Tuesday I mentioned that I saw Trainer Lady and that she gave me homework. She did this because clearly she hates me I told her I was feeling extremely uninspired, exercise-wise, and that I wasn't motivated by weight loss. Which I'm not. My body seems to like being this size, so I'm going to let it, but I would like to be more fit.

"Okay, how do you define 'fit'?" asked Trainer Lady.

"Uh. Dunno?" I answered wittily.

So that's the homework she gave me. I have to define what 'fit' is to me, so that when I get there, I'll recognize it. Because otherwise I'll just keep working out and working out like a maniac until I keel over in exhausting moaning, "But I never...got...fit....."? Or something. Here's what I wrote:

I will feel 'fit' when I wear my workout clothes with as much regularity as my normal clothes, and when I feel like I belong in them and not like they're a costume. I will feel fit when I think I look 'athletic' in sweats vs. 'schlumpy'. I will feel fit when I am much less jiggly. I will feel fit when I drink a lot of water because I'm thirsty, not because a magazine told me I should. I will feel fit when I have energy until bedtime, but then crash hard and sleep soundly. I'll feel fit when my muscles have the dull ache of being worked properly, not the sharp twinge of misuse. When I choose the salad over the cheesy lasagne because the latter will weigh me down, I'll know I've really made it.

I haven't sent it to her yet, so if you have any suggestions on how I'll get a better mark, let me know. I'm also supposed to come up with a 'backup' plan for if I fuck up my back again (apparently laying on the couch and moaning piteously isn't a good plan), and find 5 drop-in fitness classes to attend. I should probably do that, because as a reminder she sent me this:



She doesn't feed me chocolate, but I guess I'll keep her anyway.

No, I'm not dead, despite those assassins you keep sending: Random Tuesday Thoughts

Oh, hai. So THIS is where I put that blog. I thought it was under the mattress, because that's where I put all my other important stuff, and my life savings. But no, it was out here collecting dust in the internet's tool shed.

Anyway, I have a good excuse - I really was, in fact, writing my NaNoWriMo novel. I have 11,000 words. I'm right on track, as long as November has 5 weeks.

November does have 5 weeks, doesn't it?

I've also been getting my ass handed to me at work. Both bosses are in Phoenix hopefully getting stricken with the Swine Flu and maybe some leprosy golfing, and the Ninja Office Manager is out with the flu.

Though she very kindly diseased every surface in the building before we bullied her into seeing the doctor. Thanks, ever so much. Cue my obsessive handwashing and love affair with bleach.

And someone else is sick and the shop foreman's father passed away. It's not that big of a company, so like 40% of the staff is missing. Guess who gets to pick up the slack?

On an unrelated note, I find it fascinating that I can do 90% of my boss' job in his absence. Yet he could probably do about a quarter of mine if I were MIA. How does that work, exactly?

On yet another unrelated note, I've been feeling a lot of rage lately. Mostly between the hours of 8 and 5, though occasionally it lingers as late as 8pm.

On yet another unrelated note, it's 8pm. I'm having a glass of wine.

I seem to gather more followers when I don't post than when I do. I'm...not sure how to take that.

Oh, no, wait. I lost one just now. Phew. That makes me feel better.

I had a session with Trainer Lady today. She usually focusses on stretches and rehabilitating my gimpy back, but today I made the mistake of saying that my back has actually been feeling pretty good. So she worked me out really hard and then gave me homework.

This is totally not what I signed up for.

I guess if I was paying her to enable my alcoholism and feed me chocolate, I'd...make a really awesome personal trainer myself.

So you're probably dying to know what my novel is about, right? It's just a silly little romantic piece of fluff. I know, because I seem like I have such a strong romantic streak, right?

Although I had to change my character's names from Emily and Eddie because Anymommy stole those.

Just kidding. My romance novel characters are named Crystal Dawn and Blake Stone, like sensible romance novel characters should be.

I haven't checked my Google searches in a while. They're just...too weird. Also, there seem to be an alarming amount of people who really do believe the h1n1 vaccine will turn them into zombies.

(Sidebar: I freaked out after the Office Ninja got the flu and sent hubby down to the concentration camp vaccination clinic to get our toddler immunized. He's the only one who qualifies so far in our province. And I'm allowed to change my mind in the face of potentially watching my kid on a ventilator, ok?)

But for whatever reason I looked at them today, and I must share this one with you, because it is just plain wrong: "caillou's mom porn"

So very, very wrong.

I bet you've always wondered what a shaved bear looks like, huh?

Anyway, I'm off to procrastinate my novel again. I promise to post something between now and next Tuesday. Maybe. If the h1n1 zombies don't get me.

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Is anybody even bothering to take bets on my novel-writing abilities? (Random Tuesday Thoughts)

Okay! So here I am again, quite obviously not writing a novel for NaNoWriMo. But I do have an outline now. In my head.

Anyway, I can't disappoint you guys on Tuesdays, especially this month when a good many of you might be counting on this meme to get you through another day of NaBloPoMo.

What is it about writers and silly abbreviations? You'd think we don't take ourselves seriously, or something.

In case you didn't notice, Captain Dumbass and Middle Aged Woman have conspired to create The Zombie News Network. Now, I know why the Captain might hate me, but I don't even KNOW you, MAW!

Weirdest Wii accessory ever: Baby and Me.

My dog has gimpy knees. My dog food supplier lady just recommended Recovery SA as a supplement, she said it's worked miracles for her dog and many others she knows. They make it for people, too. Anybody ever heard of it or tried it?

I bought candy I'm not really fond of for Hallowe'en so that I wouldn't end up eating it all. I really should have known better. Now I'm still ingesting the calories, but not even getting to enjoy it.

Casey totally owes me one. In possibly the weirdest bloggy pal move ever, I bought a ceiling fan for her at Home Depot here and am flagrantly mis-using company resources to ship it across the border. It's mostly weird because I've run into stuff being available in the US but not Canada all the time, but never the other way around.

I'll take the favor in the form of a pass from this months HASAY weigh-in, because, uh, yeah. It's not pretty. See above re: Hallowe'en candy.

I often write blog posts to the soundtrack of my son chatting himself to sleep. Tonight he's making 'whooshing' noises, like maybe he feels like he needs some ocean sounds? Or a spa day? Kids are weird.

And now I'm going to slink off into a sugar haze and play video games try to write a novel. Cheers, y'all.

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I'm judgy that way

I'm supposed to be writing a novel, because clearly I'm insane and signed up for NaNoWriMo. Just as clearly I'm NOT writing a novel, I'm letting you know what I think about some stuff. But quickly, so I can get back to not writing that novel.

An Echo In The Bone, by Diana Gabaldon: I think she's trying to make up for the fact that she's been dragging the Outlander series on for SEVEN BOOKS NOW, and that the last two were kind of 'meh'. Because this one is full of action and plot and lots of juicy bits, and I was actually anxious for the characters a lot. But then she kind of tacked a plot device onto the end in very abbreviated fashion, something that could have been much more interesting and extended, and left another part completely hanging, which she's never done before. Usually she tidies everything up and leaves her characters poised on the edge of a brand new day. So if you hate cliffhangers, wait until the last one is out so you can keep reading.

President's Choice "Spelt with Red Pepper" side dish: I don't know what made me decide my family was lacking in spelt, but I bought this a while ago. Hubby finally cooked it this past week, and by 'cooked' I mean 'added the obscene amount of water as directed and then obsessed over how long it was taking to boil off, finally gave up and made Stove Top Stuffin''. It did, in fact, absorb all the water eventually and was pronounced as 'um, well, not bad'. I thought it was gross. If you are medically required to ingest more spelt, for some reason, then it would be tolerable, but when you're perfectly able to eat something more palatable (like Stove Top Stuffin'), I would recommend doing so. Sorry, PC, I normally like your stuff, I guess I just don't dig spelt.

The E.N.D., Black Eyed Peas: I keep waiting for this album to grow on me, but it's not, really, other than a few songs. Also, BEP has never had to 'grow on me' before, it just grabs and shakes. I'm saddened by this, but perhaps I'm just not their target market anymore?

Chic Gamine, Chic Gamine: This, on the other hand, has TOTALLY grown on me. It was released in 2008 but, they're Canadian so maybe not too many people have caught on yet? Anyway, beautiful vocals and happy music.

Relator, Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson: I thought, really? Scarlett Johansson? But this tune is endearing and her voice is sweet and bluesy. I haven't listened to the whole album yet (Break Up), so I can't pass judgement, summary or otherwise.

Wiped! (Life With a Pint Sized Dictator), by Rebecca Eckler: I'm probably late to the party on this one. I got it from my Mom, who got it from her cousin with the comment, "Keely's blog is much better."* Which, y'know, made me blush and mumble something demur-ish. I'm half way through it, and while I don't make any claims to be a better writer, I can kind of see what she meant. It's not exceptional - it says nothing regarding new motherhood that a thousand women haven't said before. It's, at best, mildly amusing. Also, it's hard to feel empathy for someone who has a full-time nanny and two months in Maui, y'know?

The 2009 Hallowe'en Event on City of Heroes: Every year my fave MMO has a 'Hallowe'en Event', which usually includes trick-or-treating for loot and badges. This year they added a zone event for more badges, which is cool. It's okay. I just wish they'd do something, y'know...spooky.

Help I'm Alive, Metric: Help, I can't get this song out of my head.


That is all. I got this 'summary judgement' idea from Becky at Suburban Matron. You should try one, it was very cathartic.