SuperKeely vs. the Scale Monster in the Heavyweight Battle of the Century!

When we last left our beloved heroine SuperKeely, she was battling Malaise and was questioning her ability to lose weight fight crime! Despite all her badass moves, the supervillain teamup of SickToddler and StomachFlu were getting the best of her!

Can our heroine get back in the battle, feel the burn, and blast through her adversaries? Is there hope for the rest of us if even SuperKeely can't overcome this dire situation??

SuperKeely lowers her head and calls upon her Super Power of Stubborn. No lousy eight pounds crime wave is going to defeat her! She dispatches SickToddler with a roundhouse kick (no, not really guys) and talks StomachFlu into turning himself in. Some day, maybe he'll even work for the good guys.

After the battle, SuperKeely remembers her sensei's wise words and goes back into training, determined to rid her ass city of the looming shadow of fat crime. One day at a time, she tells herself, one day at a time. There is hope on the horizon in the form of a one pound loss.

And maybe one day, she'll fit back into her tights and fishnets.


(Not sure what the hell I'm talking about? Go check out HASAY)

(Not sure why I'm writing entirely in italics? Yeah, me neither)

There's no theme this week: Friday Fill-Ins

And...here we go!

1. I'm shuckin', I'm jivin', I 'm...not really sure what either of those are.

2. Why do I have a lengthy list of things that should be possessed by me and not one single winning lottery ticket?

3. How does this washing machine work, anyway?

4. Every morning, I put a funny hat on my dog. Then I take a picture. Yeah, she's on medication.

5. I consider myself lucky because apparently if you shove a horseshoe up your ass that makes you "lucky". Um, not that I did that. Don't be silly.

6. One day we’ll see whether or not Christians are right or whether they should have gone with polytheism and covered more of their bases.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching my blog stats fall as the Christian population leaves in disgust, tomorrow my plans include mollifying the Christian population and Sunday, I want to start going to church! No, really....

(Want more Friday Fill-Ins? Check it out!)

(Also, humour me and take the poll in the first sidebar. No, over there. To your right! Over THERE --------------->

Sheesh)

My Beating Heart - not as gory as it sounds, honest

I don't really do reviews, because nobody's ever asked me *sob* that isn't what this blog is about.

(No, I don't know what this blog IS about. But it's not that. Shut up. I'll know it when I see it).

This is just a cool thing that I found and ya'll should know about. Because it's both weird and useful, and what better combination than that?

Unlike me, who can slip instantly and without fuss into a sleep that's just this side of a coma, Paul has issues falling asleep. Combine that with a job where he mostly works nights and a loud toddler that thinks 6am is a reasonable time to wake up, and it makes for a cranky hubby. We try to make it work so that he gets as much sleep as possible, but part of the problem is it takes him an hour just to GET to sleep.

While Christmas shopping online (I do probably 75% of it online now, because hello? Lazy) I came across this little gem at thinkgeek.com. For those of you too lazy to click on the link (you're my kind of people!), it's a "stress relief pillow" shaped like a heart, called - wait for it! - My Beating Heart (ewwwwwwww). It simulates a heartbeat of someone in a deep meditative state. Hugging it makes your own heart want to beat in rhythm, and lo! You're de-stressed.

The geeky yogi in me thought, "Coooooooool", and the practical side of me thought, "If hubby hates it I'll try it on the toddler". So I ordered one. Because it was late and I'd had too much wine.

When it arrived I thought, "What the hell?", followed quickly by, "Oh right. What the hell?". But I'd blown my Xmas budget so I wrapped it up. And explained it for like, 10 minutes to a very skeptical hubby. But he has lots of experience in humouring me, so at the first opportunity, he took it to bed and while holding it gingerly, thought:

"This is stupid. This isn't going to work. Keely is weirder than I thought. This is...sssxzxxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

Then he woke up 5 hours later. It's THAT GOOD.

I've tried it myself, though I don't need help getting to sleep, but there is the very rare occasion that I might get stressed. It's a little bizarre. It feels like it's purring. Whatever's in the pillow actually changes every time you turn it on, so you get a different heartbeat every time. It's kind of like it's alive. And purring.

Before I wrote this I asked hubby if he still uses it or if it's just in our bed to humor me (because if you sleep like me, you don't notice quietly purring pillows in your bed at 3am). He said he did, but said it that way that made it obvious there was a "but" attached to the end of the sentence. So I waited.

"Actually, most of the time I don't even turn it on. I just hug it and fall asleep," he admitted finally.

Yes folks, it's THAT GOOD. You don't even have to turn it on.

Or possibly I just outed my husband as someone who essentially sleeps with a teddy bear.

Either way.

PS - It says for ages 3 and up, but I bet it would work REALLY WELL on a toddler. Not that I've tried that, because mine isn't 3 yet. I'm just sayin'. I bet it would.

Biohazard: Random Tuesday Thoughts

Oh, yeah, baby, it's that time again! I was kind of low on enthusiasm since the whole household isn't feeling well but then I looked back at last week's Random Tuesday and now I'm all jazzed again. Who knew so many people had so many random thoughts in them*?

Okay, okay, it's kind of a no-brainer. Shut up.

So, shall we begin? You know what to do - sit through my inane ramblings, then grab the button and go write some of your own!

Um...not that YOURS would be inane, of course. I'm sure yours will be brilliant. Obviously.

...did I mention the part where thewhole family is sick? Apparently I've also acquired a case of foot-in-mouth.

Anyway.

You know how sometimes restaurants and retail stores will hire "secret shoppers"? Well, okay, maybe you don't know but just trust me, they do. The secret shoppers pretend they're ordinary customers and then send a report on their experience to the head office.

Doctors totally need that. My son has been sick for a while and it was starting to annoy worry me so I called to see if he could get in to see our doctor. Naturally, she wasn't in this week, because this week falls outside of her normal schedule. Which is apparently every third Thursday afternoon, and days of the full moon during hockey season. Of course this meant that the backup doctor was fully booked. So I had to make an appointment with that OTHER doctor.

You know, the one you can ALWAYS get in to see.

BECAUSE HE SUCKS.

He swept in, looked in my son's ears and mouth, announced, "Nosignofinfection - mustbeviraljusthavetotoughitout - ohhe's16monthsprobablyteethingputsomeAnbesolonhisgums", and swept out before hubby could even say, "He's been a phlegm factory for a week now".

I bet you could fit "YOU SUCK" in there before he left the room. He needs to be informed. As a public service.

I don't feel so hot myself today (well, I'm HOT. Of course. I'm totally rocking this no-makup no-hair product look) so I'm sitting here with a hot water bottle on my grumbly belly. Why do hot water bottles smell so bad? Seriously - what exactly are they made out of? The previous one lasted a year or two before spontaneously losing its structural integrity and disintegrating when I tried to put water in it. NASA called - it wants it's experimental Flubber back.

And why do my fingers keep wanting to type "balls" instead of "bottle"?

I didn't watch the Academy Awards so I don't feel qualified to comment on them. Although I did hear about the Swarovski crystal curtain. Ooooh, sparkly.

I think this is going to be a short one because I've been staring at the screen for 20 minutes and all I can think about is how much my house is starting to look like a nuclear test site since we've all been sick. And how I just want to take my stinky water bottle and crawl into bed so that I can successfully ignore the tiny mutant burgeoning life forms in my kitchen sink.

So if you're not feeling sorry for yourself like I am, play along with us! Take the button, randomize your post, and leave your link in the gentle care of Mr. Linky!

<a href="www.theunmom.com"><img src="http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb9/superkeely/randomtuesday.jpg" width="200" alt="randomtuesday" /></a>

*I totally love the way people played on Wednesday and even Thursday last week. But the people who come along much later and leave an unrelated link to their crappy "monetized" blog because they know I can't delete the link after so many days? You people can suck it.

I may even invest in a black leather trenchcoat

I kind of sucked in the HASAY department this week. The week started out really well, but went downhill. I ate out twice (would you like to know how many grams of fat are in a Mile High Mud Pie? No, you wouldn't) and then my son was sick all weekend and up all night so I couldn't make it to the gym. That means I haven't weighed in, which is probably a blessing. I've been running on goldfish crackers and enough caffeine to fell an elephant; I'm guessing it's not pretty.

But! Before it all went south FoN and I did get the opportunity to go to the karate class that we've been meaning to attend. It was actually billed as "Spirit Training", which was a source of great amusement, and we sort of assumed it was going to be a lot of humming. I'm happy to say we were wrong - it was a pretty good workout AND we got to learn how to get ourselves into trouble quite a few of the basic moves.

It was a nice small class and everyone seemed very welcoming and not at all prone to laughing at us. So, in the interest of multi-tasking and doing something to distract ourselves from all this fucking EXERCISING, we're going to try to show up regularly and actually *gasp* learn karate. (This might be a better fit for us than the martial art that Valentina wanted to learn, krav maga, which seems to be less about inclusion and balance and more about kicking your opponent in the throat while he's laying on the ground).

Plus, saying "I know karate" in a stupid Keanu Reeves voice? That NEVER gets old.

Although I'm dying to know what the REAL story is

My oldest and dearest friend FoN has a game going on over at her blog Kids and Daiquiris.

Well, she's not my oldest friend. She's the friend I've had the longest.

Although she IS older than me. Just to clear that up.

Anyway. The game is to make up a story about what, exactly, is going on in this picture:

I bet you all have ideas, but shut up and go play the game yourself if you do. This is my story.

Eddie smirked at me and gestured with the hand not holding the sewing machine.

"Go on," he encouraged, "Take the picture."

"Dude," I pleaded, "We don't have time, the cops are standing RIGHT THERE."

"They won't even notice us," he scoffed. "They're looking for two escapees in orange prison gear, not people in black tie evening wear. Take it."

"Fine," I sighed, raising the camera. "But then can we go?"

"Of course," he said magnanimously. "Don't you feel silly for laughing at me when I packed this handy-dandy miniature Sew and Go for the prison transfer?"

"Whatever," I grumbled, snapping the photo. "What did you make that tux out of, anyway?"

"Tire rubber and prison bed sheets I had shoved up my ass."

"...I'm very sorry I asked. Let's go for pancakes."

Wordless Wednesday: Me and my Mom

(also, that chair? Still in my living room).

People suck and sometimes so do their books: Random Tuesday Thoughts

Wow, I can't believe it's that time of week again. Time just flies by when the highlight of your week is a blogging meme, doesn't it?

Um, I mean, not that this is the highlight of my week. Far more interesting things happen to me, on a regular basis. Daily, even. Really.

*cough*

So - shall we begin?

I almost forgot about this again because today is a holiday. It's "Family Day". It's a relatively new holiday. I think they called it that because "Long Weekend In February To Keep Our Citizens From Committing Murder-Suicide During The Bitter, Sucky Winter" was a little too long and unwieldy. So instead, they apply undue social pressure to have happy family time. It's a very balanced government.

So, um, Twilight. I keep feeling like I have to apologize for this opinion, but: Meh. Seriously. I understand that it's written for teenage girls, so maybe I'm just really out of touch with my inner teenage girl (everyone stop thinking about touching teenaged girls, please), but it was a little boring. Bella started out kind of interesting, but add a dash of vampire and she's all, "Save me! Save me! Even though I'm super self-absorbed and a little whiny!". It took someone wanting to kill her to even pique my interest (possibly because I empathized), and that didn't happen until 2/3 of the way through the book.

So, yeah. I didn't hate it. But there was no "squeee!" factor. I can see the appeal for teenage girls. The rest of you have no excuse.

(sorry)

Is it just me or does a certain circle-shaped cereal taste a teensy bit like...fish? Sometimes when I burp them up I think, "ew, fishy". And this morning when I was chowing down on my healthy breakfast I caught the scent again. Not even good "yummy fresh sushi" fish. More like "3 days in the back of a pickup" fish.

WHY IS THERE SEAFOOD IN MY CHEERIOS CIRCLE-SHAPED BREAKFAST CEREAL??

(trying to avoid a lawsuit here)

(how'm I doing?)

Someone stole my wallet yesterday so I'm grouchy and feeling kind of naked. And not in a good way.

Yes, Cameron, there's a bad naked. Imagine being starkers at maximum shrinkage in front of your grade 7 crush. There, see? Bad naked.

Anyway. I hope whoever used my credit card to go on a shopping spree at least had the decency to use my points card at Best Buy, too.

Also, I'd like my coffee shop punch card back. I had a free bag of beans on that sucker.

I was angrier about this earlier but while I was at the police station filing a report there was some poor woman there hysterical because her ex wouldn't give her 10 year old son back, and wouldn't let her talk to him. Which I think was the universe's way of telling me, "quit whining, you stupid cow, it could be worse".

And your random thoughts could be better! Want to play? Grab the button, cobble a post together with stray thoughts and duct tape, and leave your link in the care of Mr. Linky! Happy Tuesday kidlets!

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Move along, nothing to see here

HASAY update. I had a lame week. Literally. I pulled a muscle attempting a step aerobics class on Wednesday night so I whined a lot limped along through most of the weekend. That and the projectile vomiting from my son earlier in the week meant I only exercised three times. I wasn't too bad with the Weight Watchers, but obviously I have to be even MORE well-behaved, because when I stepped on the scale today there was zero change. Bah.

After the step aerobics class Wednesday night (which we will NOT being doing again, what with the injury and the total lack of coordination and the generally looking like flailing idiots), Paul tried to grab me for a hug.

"Ewwwwww don't touch me I'm GROSS," I wailed, squirming away.

"Fair enough," he replied, but I could tell his feelings were kind of hurt. I mean, I'm pretty sure he'd snuggle with me if I was cracked-out, had been lying in a sewage ditch for a week and had given birth as recently as five minutes ago. He doesn't care. But I felt gross after the workout, two-days-worth-of-grime-and-sweat-and-may-possibly-have-forgotten-to-brush-my-teeth gross, and that doesn't exactly lend itself to closeness.

"Tell me again, why I'm doing all this sweating and stinking and...and STARVING?" I lamented.

"Um...for your health?" he replied dubiously.

For my health, right. Isn't a large component of your health HAPPINESS? Because all these endorphins are nice and all, but you know what makes me happy? Really good food. Great wine. CHOCOLATE.

I'm having a hard time NOT getting hung up on the number on the scale. I feel stronger, I feel good about myself when I eat alfalfa sprouts, I want to maintain an active life so that I'll set a good example for my family. So that I'll be around for my family. And, kettlebell class aside, I'm having fun trying new things and working out with FoN (tomorrow we may try a hula hoop class. Because apparently we have learned nothing from our step aerobics experience, nothing). When we're not trying to kill each other at the gym united in this common cause, we usually only see each other once a week or less. So it's nice.

It's just frustrating to not SEE any progress. All I have to lose is eight pounds to put me at the top of the recommended weight range for my height. It's only eight fucking pounds, how hard can it be?

And if it's "only" eight pounds, why am I so bent out of shape about it?

Now that's love

Some of you mocked me and pretended to be askeered of my Friday Fill-In answers this week. But that's okay. I showed hubby, and he laughed, and then he said, "That's funny, I was just going to change my Facebook status to say 'Paul can't believe how hard it is to get a hooker's blood out of the carpet.' ".

See? We're MEANT to be together.

And in other news, the Un Mom is going legit and is now just http://www.theunmom.com. It's still hosted with Blogger, so I have no idea if this will mess with your RSS feed. I'm not that kind of geek. Ask me which one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse Gambit turned into, or ask me to rant about how Grant Morrison has fucked up the entire DC Comics universe, and I can do that. But my web address knowledge is limited to "Can pointy THIS over THERE". So someone let me know, 'kay?

Friday Fill-Ins, the Love You til Death Do Us Part edition

And...here we go!

1. It seems like it should be easier to hit someone with a shotgun.

2. Wipe your feet when you're done digging your own grave, please?

3. If I thought you wouldn't try to crawl away, I'd take the duct tape off!

4. Formaldehyde is what I think of most when I think of you. Really, they need to market a scentless variety.

5. To me, Valentine's Day means cleaning your shackles without being asked.

6. The loving light in your eyes gives me strength. But I should probably stop leaving my flashlight there.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a quiet night on the couch with you, tomorrow my plans include scrubbing embalming fluid out of the couch, and Sunday, I want to go antiquing!

(What? That last one was too much, wasn't it?)

(This is the part where hubby rolls his eyes at me. And I hand them back and tell him to stop teasing the dog.)

(Ha! Just kidding, honey. You can do whatever you want with your eyes. Happy Valentine's Day!)

Bling blingity bling, bling bling bling bling

Since it's Wednesday, think I can accept these awards wordlessly?

courtesy of

from the lovely Erin at

This little beauty from GreenJello at May You Lead an Interesting Life


And giraffes! from Ane at


And a buttload


from the very generous





I'm probably supposed to list random facts about myself or something, but, shhhhh!! Wordless. Remember?

Thank you SO much you guys. It really does make my day when someone thinks highly enough of my silly little blog to give me a freakin award!! I mean, how cool can you get?

(...oops. That wasn't wordless. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it)

Uh, yeah, still talking about zombies, sorry: Random Tuesday Thoughts

So, I'm taking time out from my busy schedule cataloguing of belly button lint to once again bring you Random Tuesday Thoughts. Ready? Randomize!

I'm mostly done freaking out about the impending zombie apocalypse, but I'm still a little jumpy and prone to eyeing up people's craniums in case I have to puncture them. I think I have to read something to replace this paranoia, so I'm finally - yes, FINALLY - going to succumb to the whole Twilight thing. Only because Fashionista just read it and I begged her pathetically to let me borrow it she is forcing it down my throat. So you either won't see me for a few days, or I'll be back here momentarily ranting about shit everyone else ranted about 8 months ago.

My son was kind enough to distract me from my zombie fears by projectile vomiting everywhere yesterday for no apparent reason. So now I'm worried about possible demonic possession.

I have this stabby head pain. It feels like something shooting straight THROUGH my head. I've had it before, and I went to the doctor to tell her I was probably having brain spasms (what? It's a muscle). She tried not to laugh and said it was most likely my back and neck muscles, and I should go for a massage. So I'll try that, but I'm pretty sure that THIS time it's brain-related.

Okay - I just realized that you all probably think I'm a complete spaz. I'm not, really, in real life I'm the "low-key" person. People have actually said things to me along the lines of, "Um, so...do you ever actually...y'know...REACT to anything?". Apparently I just do a better job of keeping these weird neuroses in my head. And now! New and improved! In blog form!

I'm still quietly seething about my boss ditching me today and making me lead a meeting that I was woefully uninformed on. I totally rocked, but that ISN'T THE POINT. The point is I didn't want to rock. I wanted to sit in the background and take notes. It's easier.

I think the stabby head pains are making me feel sorry for myself. Usually that's Alcohol's job.

Hubby just texted me to say someone at his work had a stroke and the ambulance just left. Um, okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself now.

Unless the zombies show up. Then I reserve the right to throw a small pity party, shortly before being eaten.

Okay, okay, I'll stop.

Want to play? You know the deal - grab the fugly button (I need a new button for this - any design-y volunteers??), randomize, then come back and leave your link with Mr. Linky!

Happy Tuesday!

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In case you weren't worried about me before...

So I feel that I wasn't much of a blogosphere presence this weekend. I've been trying to catch up, but Friday and Saturday were pretty much a write-off for reading and commenting. Want to know why?

I mentioned on Friday that Becky over at Suburban Matron suggested I read World War Z by Max Brooks. So I did. And I spent most of the weekend sleepless, looking over my shoulder, deadbolting the doors, and sizing up every building I saw as a potential stronghold against zombies.

My house? Not too bad, kinda small. How long would it take me to put up a brick wall?

My work? Other than the glass storefront (could be barricaded, already has bars) and the lack of shower facilities, pretty good. No kitchen. Need a hotplate.

Seriously, people, for someone like me, the only thing worse than reading zombie fiction is reading zombie fiction THAT IS SO WELL WRITTEN IT MAKES THE WHOLE FUCKING IDEA SEEM TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE.

It's like...it's like, taking someone who has a deathly fear of pickles into a pickle factory.


(Okay, maybe that wasn't the best example, but Becky? I hate you.)

(Just kidding. Luv ya!)

(No more book recommendations though, okay?)

HASAY update: Meh. And ow.

Hm, so, HASAY. Summary: I behaved, worked out (though not as enthusiastically as last week), and lost the two pounds I lost two weeks ago. Yeah. So - two steps backward, two steps forward? Or something.

I climbed back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon and after starving for the first two days, discovered that grandma was right the whole time: porridge really DOES stick to your colon ribs. So that helped. I did okay, though my "date dinner" with hubby on Thursday kind of screwed me. Lets just say there were three different kinds of chocolate, and hey, I'm an equal-opportunity kinda gal.

I hit the gym a few times and of course FoN, in her ongoing quest to find new and creative ways to try to kill me, signed us up for a "kettlebell" class on Wednesday night. A kettlebell, for those of you not in the know (which I wasn't, until Wednesday, and frankly I could have remained in the dark and been perfectly happy), is kind of like a bowling ball with a handle. Only it weighs about 15 lbs, and you spend 45 minutes flinging it around. Oh! And just for good measure there are plenty of lunges, squats, and pushups thrown in there as well. It works every single muscle you have and creates a few new ones to hurt, too. FoN had to dash to the bathroom halfway through because she thought she was going to puke, and I wasn't far behind.

For some reason she has expressed her desire to attend this class again. I've informed the proper authorities. As soon as she gets back from BC there should be a van waiting.

Also, ironically, someone named "kettlebell_fan" is now following me on Twitter.

Um, dude? I don't know if you actually read that tweet but I am NOT A FELLOW FAN.

Friday Fill-ins, Zombie edition

Questions courtesy of YellowRose this week! And...here we go!

1. Please don't tell my boss I'm blogging at work because I'm actually pretty busy and can't spare the time.

2. Can you function in the morning? I can't. Though I've apparently managed to fool people for years.

3. The color teal makes me want to curl up into a retro-induced coma and whimper!

4. I have a craving for raw fish laid over cold rice. Yeah, sounds gross when you put it like that.

5. If my life had a pause button, I'd pause it every time my son gave me a hug. What? I can be sappy too. Shut up.

6. Eyes are the tastiest part of the body. According to zombies. I imagine.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to stockpiling canned goods for the upcoming zombie apocalypse, tomorrow my plans include reinforcing my windows and installing razor wire, and Sunday, I want to laugh at you fools who didn't prepare!

(Want more Friday Fill-Ins? Go here)
(Want someone to blame for the zombie fixation? Talk to Becky from Suburban Matron, who suggested I read World War Z.)
(And OMG they're making a movie. I'm shaking already)

I guess I'm not the only one looking for a Wii Fit

I will totally give up my Wii Fit to these people, if it keeps them busy enough to NOT PROCREATE.

Fitness & Health Edition, sort of: Random Tuesday Thoughts

It's that time again...and I almost forgot, because I didn't go to work today, because my son was teething or something and crying hysterically for what seemed like hours. And it seemed rather harsh to just leave him in a puddle of his own tears. (He's ONE, people. Maybe if he were two and able to medicate himself. They can do that by the time they're two, right?). So consequently I spent most of the day feeling like it was Sunday, albeit a crappy Sunday, since I don't have helpful hints like football or church to remind me that it's NOT.

But! I remembered! And here we go!

I feel like my post yesterday actually may have unsettled some people. Did I highlight the part where they were JUST DREAMS? They were just dreams, ya'll. FoN didn't ACTUALLY squish any cats, and I haven't killed any babies, my own or otherwise (to get technical, I didn't kill any in the dream either. I was just ABOUT to). We have no control over what we dream, right? I mean, to be that kind of control freak you'd have to be Martha Stewart.

I'm pretty sure she dreams about eating babies ON PURPOSE.

I was disappointed by the scale yesterday. More disappointed than I thought I would be, seeing as I've done this all before and I'm well aware that there are ups and downs and it's all about how you FEEL. Which is great. I feel great.

No I don't, I feel disappointed. Anyway, my disappointment turned into un-motivation and I skipped the gym this morning. Partly because I was unmotivated, partly because I was really tired after being up all night with a possessed teething toddler and partly because, well, I was really fucking sore after last week. But I felt obliged to do SOMETHING, so I fired up the Wii.

And then I got my ass handed to me in Clone Wars: Lightsaber Duels by my son.

Did I mention he's one year old?

Sure, he won by pushing the 'home' button constantly when I was about to slice n' dice him, but still. It doesn't do much for the little pity party I have going on here.

(Which is about as fun as a tricep party).

I will totally demand a rematch when he's 15. And he'll be all, "What the hell is a Wii?", and, "Why are you still in the solid world anyway Mom? Why don't you just upload your brain into a virtual avatar like everyone else? You could be so much skinnier".

Ungrateful kids.

So after my defeat at the Scales of Injustice I decided that yes, I need to pay more attention to my food intake, and I should just suck it up and embrace the starvation go back on Weight Watchers. I track it online, because I'm usually sitting in front of the computer obsessively checking my blog for comments working anyway. The online version gives you a suggested meal plan for the week. Some of the ideas are not bad, so I was checking this weeks out and saw that for one of my 'snacks' it was suggesting "a cup of non-fat broth".

Really? REALLY, Weight Watchers? You claim to be a 'lifestyle change', not a 'diet', and you're suggesting I snack on BROTH? How is that any better than, oh, say, NOTHING??

So I logged off and ate my weight in Goldfish crackers.

*sigh* No, I didn't. I added 'non fat broth' to my shopping list.

What's the ETA on that uploading-your-brain-into-a-skinny-online-avatar thingie?

My thoughts don't seem that random this week. It's probably because I'm STARVING.

Maybe there's some kind of dessert I can make with non-fat broth.

Um...okay, before I eat my keyboard, I'm going to end it there...if you want to play, you know the drill! Grab the button, add it to your post, and leave your name and number link with Mr. Linky!

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Deep philisophical discussions

This is a Facebook chat I had with FoN the other night. I don't know what to write as an intro to this. Really, I'm just as appalled as the rest of you.

(Please come back)


FoN: I dreamt I killed Politika's cat
and then left the squished dead cat on their kitchen floor
Politika's Daughter found it and Politika was mad and asked me to leave
Do you think I have issues?

Me: ....wow.
Well, clearly you don't like cats.

FoN: I do! My head is a weird place

Me: Do you? Do you REALLY?

FoN: I didn't kill the cat on purpose

Me: ....you just left it there for Politika's Daughter to find?

FoN: Well, yeah. Actually, I forgot about it

Me: lol
So you're violent AND you have memory issues...

Whatever, I once had a dream that the end of the world was coming and people were killing their children humanely so they didn't have to suffer and I didn't have children so I just found one to kill. You were REALLY upset with me.

FoN: Yeah, I would take issues with that.

No killing babies.
Adopt that as your motto

Me: You were killing YOURS.

You just thought it shouldn't be my job since it wasn't mine.


FoN: Well, thats my right as their mother

Me: Yes, exactly.

See? My head is a weird place too.

FoN: That's OK. If it happens, I'll let you kill one of my children

Me: Aw, thanks. But I have one now. I wouldn't be missing out.

FoN: Well, I have three, so that would be two for you and two for me!

J is wondering what I'm laughing at

I'm not going to tell her

Me: lol probably wise

She'd always be wondering if I was sizing her up for killin'...

FoN: Especially since she has a friend over

Me: A boy? Way to scare off any potential man-friends

FoN: I just asked her and she would prefer you to kill her.

I'm not sure how I feel about that

Me: LMAO

FoN: Now her and her friend are dividing up their friends

As in, who gets to kill who

Me: omg, your child is just as warped as us

I feel terrible!!

FoN: Clearly. I'm not sure how I feel about that either

Me: I feel like I should blog this whole conversation.

Nobody would ever follow us again.

The book of Exercis, Chapter 15, Verse 2

May the HASAY be with you
(And also with you).

On the first day, she did go out, and go to the gym, and it was good tolerable.

On the second day, she did go out, and go to the gym, and commend herself for her devotion, yet there was no burning bush, and no ray of light, save for that being sung on her iPod. And she was uninspired, and she despaired.

On the third day, she did go out, and join a group of mad people, and it was called Boot Camp. It was strenuous, and it did suck.

On the fourth day, she did rest,
if you can call a full day of work followed by toddler antics "rest"
because what kind of crazy person works out four days in a row?
because she was weary.

On the fifth day, she did worship at the altar of Nin Ten Do, and she did box her virtual enemies soundly.

And on the sixth and seventh days, she did string her racquet with the gut of a cat, and she did join in the feats of sport, and she did get her ass handed to her her best. And lo, whereupon she felt brave enough to try to conquer The Scale of Justice. But the Scale did defeat her.

By two pounds.

That's it. This religion sucks, I'm converting.