It's Tuesday, ya'll! You know what that means - pick up the fugly purple button, write a post with no transitional paragraphs whatsoever, and then leave a link so we can all get a peek at snippets of your life. Ready? Go!
I must not be blogging about zombies enough, because I've had a couple of nightmares about them again lately. I had one the other night about living in a post-Zombie Apocalypse world, trapped inside a beautifully airy, modern architecture house but having to dash out for supplies and avoid the undead. I woke up in the grey early dawn light, heart racing, one hand hovering over Paul sleeping soundly beside me. Part of me wanted to wake him up to comfort me (because apparently I'm six years old) but most of me was afraid to do so in case he rolled over and TRIED TO EAT MY FACE.
A conversation I'm still snickering about, on the way home from the grandparents this evening:
"He's pretty tired. Does he need a bath, or do you think we can just get away without it?"
"He should be fine. It's not like he was playing in mud."
"Huh? Did you say 'it's not like he was playing in blood'??"
"No, MUD. Not blood. He's a little young to be starting a Fight Club."
(pause)
"Although if he did, he couldn't tell us about it."
I'm sure you all have heard the phrase, "Part of this nutritious breakfast", right? When I was a kid I tried to use that to convince my Mom to buy me something like Count Chocula (we were pretty much only allowed our choice of Cheerios or Shreddies. Sometimes, if she was feeling frisky, Honey Nut Cheerios).
She then made a point of explaining to me that "part of this nutritious breakfast" does not equate "the nutritious part of this breakfast". It's all in the italics. You could serve up a bowl of broken glass and rusty bolts beside that toast and OJ and it would still be part of the nutritious breakfast, but it's not going to offer you much itself.
Well, maybe some roughage.
Anyway she taught me to listen for the omissions and the subtexts in advertising. So I thought of her this week when I saw an ad for Fruit Loops on TV, touting the Fruit Loops themselves as "the fruity-smelling part of this complete breakfast".
No kidding? I wasn't aware that my breakfast required part of it to be FRUITY SMELLING. I mean - I could put some Mr. Sketch smelly markers in there to meet THAT condition, but it wouldn't get me much else.
Well, maybe some roughage.
A haiku:
Vacation! Too short
Accomplished little, much like
haiku poetry
Dentists must be really good at charades, huh? I had a filling done this week and while I'm benumbed, have 4 different metal implements in my mouth and what is essentially a blue condom over my face he muses, "I don't know why you have a cavity there. You have good oral hygiene, there's no reason for you to get a cavity there."
I made a gesture with both hands in front of my stomach.
"No," he answers, "Pregnancy would have nothing to do with it."
I shrugged and pointed at the implement he was using, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh," he said, "What is that? It's a liquid filling, because the cavity is at the bottom of the tooth and we want to make sure we get a good seal."
Amazing, huh? I mean, what I was actually saying was "You fat bastard" and "Get away from me with that fucking thing before I shove it up your ass", but he was REALLY CLOSE.
So you know what to do - get randomizing! And make sure to visit Kelly at Baby Boogers to leave your link with her, too! Happy Tuesday!
79 people talked back :
i think we need more blog posts about zombies. especially if that keeps them out of your dreams
The dentist! Good Golly Girl - Warn me, that was freakin' funny. Almost told my kiddo about that it was so good.
I love Mr Sketchy Markers. Good thing they didn't know to check 8 year olds for huffing back then. Or sniffing or whatever it's called. Cause those babies were good...
And thank you Harriet for linking first :) You saved me.
You need to pop right on over to ThinkGeek.com - they have a Zombie Survival Guide.
Should that fail and your face get eaten, they also have The Zen of Zombie, which is guaranteed to help you make the most of your new lifestyle.
No, I don't get paid for these little public service announcements. I'm just a nice person that way.
LMAO at the mud or blood conversation!
I LOVE ZOMBIES!!!!
I love the vacation poem. So true...so true.
Happy Random Tuesday!
oh ah liquid fillings, now this is what I needed tolearn about. I took a 16yr break from seeing dentists, I wonder if I'll get this done? hmm?
UnMom, you have totally ruined my day with those dental explanations. Man.
We weren't allowed to have sugary cereals, either. Now I've turned into that same mean parent!
I hate that contraption the dentist uses when he's filling a cavity. It's called a "dental dam", right? Stupid damn dam. My dentist talks to me when I can't talk back too.
I'm glad X doesn't have his own fight club, toddlers are brutal. So are zombies so keep him away from them.
Have a fruitilicious Tuesday!
i'm thinking about coloring in my cheerios with mr. sketch's markers - it'll pretty much be the same as fruit loops, right? ha!
Zombie blogging never gets old.
Roughage is always good but I prefer to get my from the celery stalk in my Bloody Mary.
We had our own yucky dentist experience yesterday. Sucks! Love the blood/mud conversation.
I just gave my son a pop-tart. That's nutritious, right?
dentist and zombies not good together.
LOL, isn't it like that with every dentist.
I was looking for Super heroes on-line and who thought to make Captain America into a Zombie? It was disgusting!! My hubby said it was a spin-off. I like the original personally.
Are you sure you weren't thinking about waking up your hubby to eat his face off? ;)
Too funny the mud vs. blood convo...
So I'm guessing feeding the Princess Nagger Froot Loop Cereal Straws really isn't all that nutritious... ;)
I feel a little neglected by my dentist - she didn't use the blue condom over my face when replacing an old filling recently... Love the interpretation of the charades! ;)
Keely, am I the only one getting a clue here or am I completely overstepping my own imagination and seeing everyone as pregnant? What did the saying "pregnancy has nothing to do with it" mean? Am I going to have to stalk your comments all day, lady?
(And The Fruity Pebbles slogan I remember from when I was a kid. And it sat near and orange. So, I guess it smelled better than the orange, huh?)
What kind of mom are you? Not letting the toddler have his own Fight Club? Seriously.
Fruit Loops: the colon-cleansing part of this nutritious breakfast. ;)
If Paul was sleeping, it was probably safe to wake him. Assuming he was still breathing. If he wasn't breathing, you should have chopped off his head to be sure.
Ah man! I always thought Lucky Charms was good for me. Crap!
I give my kids a gogurt, a cereal bar and if they eat the cereal bar then they get those 100 pack cookies as a snack. I'm bad!
I love zombie stories!
Sometimes, I think dentist lie.
Happy RTT!
dood, srsly! you have to stop being funnier than me. my RTT's are starting to suffer from abbreviated thought syndrome and then i get all self consious when i come read yours.
I hate going to the dentist. Don't try to talk to me when I am trying to stay in my "happy place" because you are scraping and drilling!
ps. i think you should put your dentist and the zombies in a steel cage match. i think the dentist would win. they're ruthless!
I must be a terrible mom - I let my kids eat Fruit Loops for breakfast or cupcakes or candy - - basically whatever they want! I suck, I know!
What a great list. Oh those monsters better stay away.
Today is the first time since you started RTT that I'm not doing it. I've written a 3 part series on my family and today is part 2. I feel all twitchy missing it.
You are the master of randomness. I can't seem to be random, which is totally weird because when I'm talking to my husband I just say things out of the blue and he says "well...that was random."
But when I write I can't seem to do it. What the heck?
Love the bit about the dentist. Exactly...why is he translating anyhow?
Sorry about the zombie dreams. . .I haven't dreamed of them lately, but I did have one wicked one about big birds trying to get into our porch. No, hadn't watched the movie The Birds either. No idea what my problem was.
Don't even get me started with the Dentist visits this month. $$$$ #%^&.
I'm with ya on the vacation thing.
What the French?! How does everyone get here so dang early?!
Anyhoo, there is not a single random thought of yours that didn't make me laugh out loud. First rule of Fight Club...I love that. Also, I will never be able to buy Fruit Loops again..."fruity smelling" makes me wonder. Although I suppose it's better than "meaty smelling".
Hey girl letting you know I'm not playing along today -- I was at the hospital all night. I have it posted about on my blog! I will be back next week if all goes well.
Yeah, I have the same question about the pregnancy! Is there something you want to tell us?
PS- your dentist is actually wrong. pregnant women are more likely to get cavities... there's some connection between bacteria, extra sensitive gum tissue and being knocked up. don't ask how i know that. ;)
I feel sorry for you not being able to have Count Chocula or Fruit Loops or Lucky Charms or any other cereal taht tastes good. That is terrible.
Funny Haiku. I don't get poetry in general much less Haikus.
you are the light of my day, keely! so funny!
i checked out the book "i am legend" bc i heard it was so different from the movie and curiousity got the better of me. one main difference? i thought in the movie they were zombies! in the bok they are vampires! talk about disappointing.
there's a new-ish book out called Pride, Prejudice and Zombies. Have you seen it? I'm on a waiting list to check it out.
wait a cotton pickin minute here...are you knocked up girl??
I am going back to read EVERYTHING I missed while I was shaking my groove thing at the Mtv Spring Break house last week...
I'll be back!
Man, I hate when dentists pump your mouth full of crap then ask you questions.
Ok, so I found your post about you guys trying for another one and can I say that is fuckingfantabulous! I really would have appreciated a direct email with the news...just so you know... :)
I'm pretty sure you'll want me int he birthing room so give some dates and I'll check out airfare!
Could. You. Imagine? Hahahaha!
i think they teach dentists how to understand phantomiming in dental school.
and i'm glad your husband didn't eat your face. that would definetely be gorunds for divorce.
The "let's chit-chat Dentists" are freaking crazy. It's funny because where else would someone want to talk with you when you have drool slurping out of your mouth. Insane!
It's like the Chatty Gyno~~~~Ummmmm, no I don't want to do small talk. Just do what you gotta' do and leave. Thank you very much. WTF!
The dentist - numb mouth conversations - haha Can totally relate.
Hilarious!
I am so disappointed! All my life I thought Cookie Crisps were good for you. Thanks for popping that bubble for me! Guess I need to change the kid's diets now...
Roughage is always good. As is a cute dentist.
..oh.. yours is fat. Too bad. :)
So, what you're saying is, I shouldn't feed my kids nothing but Fruit Loops all day?
Dammit.
Ok, at first I was a little offended. LOL I had just started reading and thought you had said "pick up the fugly people".
Good think I haven't gotten my cup of tea yet. It would have been all over my screen. YOU cracked me up today.
I think pregnancy had everything to do with it. When I was pregnant with my first, I had a thing for jawbreakers. I made it out the other side of the pregnancy with two horribly cracked teeth. Dang kids.
Ugh. Shreddies and Cheerios. Thanks for bringing back my childhood and the fightclub we had going on under the table at breakfast.
zombies and dentists. both scare me! lol you make me laugh! thanks.
You're never too young to have a near-life experience.
That's what I always want to say to my dentist, too! I think we may be related-my mom only bought cheerios, Rice Krispies and oat squares (which, on second thought, may be why I scarf down Golden Grahams and Cap'n Crunch at the speed of light and spent so much time with my dentist! LOL.
I'm still trying to convince myself that Count Chocula is part of a nutritious breakfast. Italics shmitalics.
Because of you, I dream about Zombies now. I NEVER USED TO DREAM ABOUT ZOMBIES.
I love random!
I went with oompaloompa again
My RTT is random... but not like it usually is... I hope it worked though.
mmmm. smelly markers.
I think the thing I hate MOST about going to the dentist is the conversations. If I could go in, get the work done and leave without talking to anyone it would be a lot LESS (mentally) painful.
Wait, seriously -- the ad said "fruity SMELLING"? That's repulsive. You were recommended for my reader by Mrs. Bear at Outnumbered Two To One.
Holy crap! It's viral!!!
I remember being one of a handful of people doing RTT. Now I can't keep up!
Hub recently watched a movie about zombie strippers, which I thought was odd...
And I have totally had the same notion about my dentist...I can grunt something and he reads my mind or something!
That's amazing that your dentist could tell what you were saying. Next time you should say something like "hey, wanna get a drink after this?" and see if he pretends not to know what you said. That would be hilarious.
Thank God the dentist couldn't understand what you were really saying or you might have gotten a little less novocaine and a lot more drilling ;)
"Accomplished nothing. Much like Haiku poetry."
ROFLMAO!!! I agree!
Love the bit about the dentist. Mine is actually fabulous and removes all objects from my mouth if he asks me a question. I love him!
I had almost the same dream last night but it wasn't zombies I was trying to escape from, it was the Hilton sisters.
I'm not sure which is more scary.;)
Brains....a delicious, um, nutritious part of a complete breakfast...
It never fails, but Chatty Cathy, the dental hygienist, always starts talking to me and expecting me to talk back when she sticks the cleaning instruments into my mouth. Seriously, she always asks questions, and the entire time I'm thinking, "Why can't she ask me these things before she starts poking around my mouth?" I understand the need to fill the silence, but she needs to be careful before she impales someone with the scraper.
Zombies AAAAHHHHH! When the remake of Dawn of the Dead came out, I got nightmares from seeing the PREVIEW of the movie, not even the movie itself, just the PREVIEW. The scene with the little girl standing in the hallway & the dad asking if she was ok right before she ATTACKS him. Scary shit. So your whole thing with the face eating gave me heebie jeebies. But then I laughed, nervously.
I actually snorted when I read the part about playing in blood- I mean- MUD.
Thanks for the RTT!
Ciao
I'm linked! This is my first time!! I'm a Random Tuesday virgin! And I LOVED your post. I'm thinking the "playing in blood" conversation snippet made you dream about Zombies. Either that, or it was the burrito you had right before bed. Yikes! LOL
If your kid starts a Fight Club, my kids would totally join.
jus' sayin'.
Damn. This is my second week in a row missing RTT. I think I'm going through a random withdrawal.. that must be what this headache is from..
OMG I swear I am not exaggerating when I say that your dentist bit made me laugh out loud. Brilliant.
Look at rock star you with 90 participants! Woot-woot!
PS- You have some hip parents. Mine wouldn't know Fight Club from the Joy Luck Club.
And yes, I left you two comments today. Well, now three. Cause I am cra-zay like that.
I guess the biggest indicator that the fruit loops and fruity pebbles are not good for you is that they make your poo green. Too funny though. Happy RTT! my fav day
First time reader ... will definitely be hooked. Linked on over from Shangrila's house at MyBellaFiglia.
Love the bit about "fruity-smelling" ... made me laugh out loud, or ... maybe that's just the punch-drunkness of the evening.
Either way - thanks.
I saw this and thought of you :)
funny t-shirts
Ok I'm back. Instead of doing something useful like sleeping I'm trolling RTTs & watching Tivo'd episodes of Cowboy Bebop when I see an ad for this online game:
http://www.adultswim.com/games/game/index.html?game=zombiehookernightmare
This is going to sound so wrong, but I immediately thought of you (& Captain D. of course)
Great blog. I love your random thoughts. I've had similar conversations with the grandparents as well. I don't dream of zombies but I do have very detailed and vivid dreams (that is when I actually do sleep). Keep up the great writing and feel free to drop by my blog http://www.steelydad.com any time :)
You really are a genius at this randomness. This was so funny.
Love the fight club comment ... and we always debate about "do we really hafta give him a bath?"
And your mom did you a great service in teaching you about lies ... I mean, advertising, so young.
And the dentists thing...way too funny.
Dentists are good at charades! My dad is a dentist and he always won!
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