What does the Canadian Mafia do when they want to send you a message?

...apparently, they put a moose head in your dumpster.

This week, there was a moose head in our disposal bin behind the office. As in, the severed head of a very large roaming land mammal.

Moose. Head. In our dumpster. What the FUCK?

Now, I know some of you think that we Canucks live it rough up here on the tundra, spearing stray narwhals and clubbing seals on our way to work in the morning, but we do indeed have cities. I happen to live in one of them, and my office happens to be downtown. Not a whole lot of room to be slaughtering animals that are the size of a Buick, y'know? So I can't help but wonder a) Where it came from and b) WHAT THE FUCK?

I'm not going to post a picture of this poor animals cranium here because some of you got grossed out when I posted a picture of a dead mouse. This is one vowel and about 75 pounds different. But I know there are at least a few of you that are going, "OMG ewwwwwwwww WTF that is so gross A DEAD MOOSE OMG well aren't you going to show me?"

No? Just me then?

Well here's the picture anyway. Click or don't click, I don't judge.

(I do check web stats though.)

Anyway, all I can say is - I WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED. I don't care what kind of dead animal you put in our dumpster or throw through our front window*. I've been sick and really busy. You're not getting your artwork any faster, okay?



*Just a suggestion. My work day is pretty boring, barring the odd severed head.

Muzzy headed spam and some internal stabbing: Random Tuesday Thoughts

Oh, yay, it's Tuesday.

Sorry, I have a hard time mustering up any enthusiasm at the moment. My nose is really stuffed up and my throat is scratchy. I'm pretty sure I'm finally getting sick. It's probably the swine flu. So if you all get it (and you really should, it's the hottest thing) you can blame me. Maybe stop licking your monitor, just to be safe.

I know, I'm no fun whatsoever.

I've been getting a lot of anonymous spammy "click this link for viagra" comments, but only on this post from January. Like, probably 20 of them in the last 2 weeks. I deleted them all and closed the comments, which makes me feel all weird. What if someone desperately wants to say something regarding the diet and exercise plan I no longer follow??

We went over to my friend Elle's place for dinner tonight. I brought a sort of taco lasagne, and she added some random elements, including fries, steamed veggies, grilled pork and spaghetti. It was...eclectic. But good. She called it our "ghetto Mexitteranean dinner".

Mouse trap coffins. I wish I'd had these last year when I was hunting the rodent in our house. He was a warrior, he deserved a proper burial.

Still have a lot of work-related rage. Thanks for asking.

Basically I'm using NaNoWriMo as an excuse to neglect my blog, because I'm only up to 17,000 words. But hey, at least I have an excuse.

One of my ovaries is trying to kill me. From the inside. By stabbing itself. Seriously, wtf, ovary? You're supposed to be on my side. I'm pretty sure it's not a tumor because they looked for those, twice already, and I'm at least 75% positive you can't grow a whole tumor in less than a month.

Can you?

It's probably just gas.

Reeeeaaaalllly hard, stabby gas...

...aren't you glad you stopped by today?

Here, maybe you should check to see if your tattoo made it up here. If so...maybe invest in some long sleeved shirts.

Anyway, off to chug Neo Citran and slip into a mini-coma. Ahhhh, sleep, you beautiful little slice of death.

Link up, then use some hand sanitizer, you guys.

<a href="http://www.theunmom.com"><img src="http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb9/superkeely/randomtuesday.jpg" width="200" alt="randomtuesday" /></a>

I tried to picture myself doing this and sprained my brain

On Tuesday I mentioned that I saw Trainer Lady and that she gave me homework. She did this because clearly she hates me I told her I was feeling extremely uninspired, exercise-wise, and that I wasn't motivated by weight loss. Which I'm not. My body seems to like being this size, so I'm going to let it, but I would like to be more fit.

"Okay, how do you define 'fit'?" asked Trainer Lady.

"Uh. Dunno?" I answered wittily.

So that's the homework she gave me. I have to define what 'fit' is to me, so that when I get there, I'll recognize it. Because otherwise I'll just keep working out and working out like a maniac until I keel over in exhausting moaning, "But I never...got...fit....."? Or something. Here's what I wrote:

I will feel 'fit' when I wear my workout clothes with as much regularity as my normal clothes, and when I feel like I belong in them and not like they're a costume. I will feel fit when I think I look 'athletic' in sweats vs. 'schlumpy'. I will feel fit when I am much less jiggly. I will feel fit when I drink a lot of water because I'm thirsty, not because a magazine told me I should. I will feel fit when I have energy until bedtime, but then crash hard and sleep soundly. I'll feel fit when my muscles have the dull ache of being worked properly, not the sharp twinge of misuse. When I choose the salad over the cheesy lasagne because the latter will weigh me down, I'll know I've really made it.

I haven't sent it to her yet, so if you have any suggestions on how I'll get a better mark, let me know. I'm also supposed to come up with a 'backup' plan for if I fuck up my back again (apparently laying on the couch and moaning piteously isn't a good plan), and find 5 drop-in fitness classes to attend. I should probably do that, because as a reminder she sent me this:



She doesn't feed me chocolate, but I guess I'll keep her anyway.

No, I'm not dead, despite those assassins you keep sending: Random Tuesday Thoughts

Oh, hai. So THIS is where I put that blog. I thought it was under the mattress, because that's where I put all my other important stuff, and my life savings. But no, it was out here collecting dust in the internet's tool shed.

Anyway, I have a good excuse - I really was, in fact, writing my NaNoWriMo novel. I have 11,000 words. I'm right on track, as long as November has 5 weeks.

November does have 5 weeks, doesn't it?

I've also been getting my ass handed to me at work. Both bosses are in Phoenix hopefully getting stricken with the Swine Flu and maybe some leprosy golfing, and the Ninja Office Manager is out with the flu.

Though she very kindly diseased every surface in the building before we bullied her into seeing the doctor. Thanks, ever so much. Cue my obsessive handwashing and love affair with bleach.

And someone else is sick and the shop foreman's father passed away. It's not that big of a company, so like 40% of the staff is missing. Guess who gets to pick up the slack?

On an unrelated note, I find it fascinating that I can do 90% of my boss' job in his absence. Yet he could probably do about a quarter of mine if I were MIA. How does that work, exactly?

On yet another unrelated note, I've been feeling a lot of rage lately. Mostly between the hours of 8 and 5, though occasionally it lingers as late as 8pm.

On yet another unrelated note, it's 8pm. I'm having a glass of wine.

I seem to gather more followers when I don't post than when I do. I'm...not sure how to take that.

Oh, no, wait. I lost one just now. Phew. That makes me feel better.

I had a session with Trainer Lady today. She usually focusses on stretches and rehabilitating my gimpy back, but today I made the mistake of saying that my back has actually been feeling pretty good. So she worked me out really hard and then gave me homework.

This is totally not what I signed up for.

I guess if I was paying her to enable my alcoholism and feed me chocolate, I'd...make a really awesome personal trainer myself.

So you're probably dying to know what my novel is about, right? It's just a silly little romantic piece of fluff. I know, because I seem like I have such a strong romantic streak, right?

Although I had to change my character's names from Emily and Eddie because Anymommy stole those.

Just kidding. My romance novel characters are named Crystal Dawn and Blake Stone, like sensible romance novel characters should be.

I haven't checked my Google searches in a while. They're just...too weird. Also, there seem to be an alarming amount of people who really do believe the h1n1 vaccine will turn them into zombies.

(Sidebar: I freaked out after the Office Ninja got the flu and sent hubby down to the concentration camp vaccination clinic to get our toddler immunized. He's the only one who qualifies so far in our province. And I'm allowed to change my mind in the face of potentially watching my kid on a ventilator, ok?)

But for whatever reason I looked at them today, and I must share this one with you, because it is just plain wrong: "caillou's mom porn"

So very, very wrong.

I bet you've always wondered what a shaved bear looks like, huh?

Anyway, I'm off to procrastinate my novel again. I promise to post something between now and next Tuesday. Maybe. If the h1n1 zombies don't get me.

<a href="http://www.theunmom.com"><img src="http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb9/superkeely/randomtuesday.jpg" width="200" alt="randomtuesday" /></a>